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lonely life in a v small town, what to do?

9 replies

ExpatAgain · 07/06/2010 09:10

hi- am struggling 5 years on with where we live, feel v alone and not one good friend where I live although I have tons of acquaintances, dp has several good friends. I got off to a rocky start here and felt homesick for where we used to live, missing friends, city life so think i gave out negative vibes at the important first impression stage with people.

I feel v wary as feel a bit "stung" having trusted a couple of people here about v private, tricky things re dp/family issues and it nows seems to be a barrier, used against me almost. We seem to hang out/have kids same age as a v competitive, rather superficial crowd with whom I don't feel at home, although dp is desperate to find a way in and admittedly has good friendships with the guys. I don't feel comfortable with the women in this group and only want to do the bare minimum, preferring to spend time with old friends from before our move. It's a v small town and feel there's no-one really left to try to be-friend. What to do?? Dp won't entertain moving and we'd be selling at a loss if we did.
sorry if i'm sounding paranoid here, i realise this may not sound serious but it's affecting the kids/my relationship with dp and i feel trapped, lonely and in danger of sinking here.

any tips from any one who's been here??

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 07/06/2010 09:14

We live in small town. We've been here for over 20 years! And although I have a lot of very agreeable acquaintances, I can honestly say I have only a handful of good friends. But that might be partly me - I am not good at friendship so I have to find people who are as hands-off as me - people who won't take umbrage if I don't contact them for a while.

Can you join a class or a group of some kind - maybe in a neighbouring town if not in your own? Or maybe make the most of the 'superficial crowd' for every day socilaising but your old friends for real stuff. SOme of me best friends are from university and I rarely see them in the flesh.

ExpatAgain · 07/06/2010 09:23

thanks, orm. You were never tempted to scarper off to pastures new or a bigger town??
I should join a class but tricky with dp away alot so can't commit to regular evening out. I find it hard to hang out with superficial people, maybe i just expect too much of friendships. Maybe i'm not "good" at friendship either! I expect a lot I guess and am crap at smalltalk, jostling for position in group/pecking order call it what you will..

OP posts:
werewolf · 07/06/2010 09:31

Could you use Sitters to guarantee you a night out, even when dp is away?

ExpatAgain · 07/06/2010 09:35

we're rather rural, have a few local sitters on hand but only really at w/e. No Sitters service here!

OP posts:
werewolf · 07/06/2010 09:39

Could you join a class anyway, even if you have to miss the odd week when dp is away? If you choose something you like doing for its own sake, anybody you chat to/make friends with at class, will be a nice bonus.

I know what you mean about small talk - I'm rubbish too!

ExpatAgain · 07/06/2010 09:56

i could I guess, feel i need to do something more drastic and sooner than sept though before i go mad! dp cross with me about all this, thinks i should try harder, doesn't help

OP posts:
werewolf · 07/06/2010 12:30

What sort of drastic step are you thinking of?

You could start up a book group, say at your library. Then invite people back as you become more comfortable with them. I find smaller groups of people easier.

Join a choir? A friend of mine does this and she finds mixing with a wide variety of people (who perhaps she wouldn't normally meet), very enjoyable.

Join the WI?

ZZZenAgain · 07/06/2010 12:38

do some kind of community service, charitable work.

Is there a church or some organisation that visits old people, be a guide leader (couldn't myself but you may be better equipped!). Do some voluntary, charitable work that benefits the local residents. If you are doing something for their kids, grannies etc, they will need to be nice to you in return (as a pay-off).

The main thing though is it may give you a sense of purpose and happiness.

cheesesarnie · 07/06/2010 12:45

how old are your dc?if they are school/nursery age how about trying to get together with some parents?although im sure youve tried that!

i live in a small town too(19 years since left the bright lights aged 13)it can be hard to be 'accepted'.i found when we stopped trying it was easier oddly!

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