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I am not blessed with lots of friends....but should I still ditch this one?

8 replies

Greythorne · 02/06/2010 13:46

Just got back from a week's holiday with DH and our 2 DC and an old friend, her DH and her 2 was mostly good but I felt like my friend was very critical and snippy with me and my DC. Lots of tiny, silly "slights" (as I see them) or "jokes" as she perhaps sees them mean that here I am, back at home and instead of reflecting on a lovely family holiday, I am just going over and over lots of conversations and my mind is racing.

Probably a bit pointless to list the slights as there are mostly petty, I know that. My DH says I take things too seriously, and I accept this. I always have.

But my question is:
not to be nasty towards my friend, but for my own mental peace, should I distance myself from her?

The mild comments were things like:

  • "your DC 2 [age 16 months] needs to start using her words, she is frustrated not being able to speak, she needs to use her words"
  • when her DC had a strop over sharing toys: "to be fair, they are his toys, so I think it's a bit much to ask him to share"
  • when after a long day on the beach, I put the kids to bed, had a bath and came down in my dressing gown to eat a kitchen supper with the other grown ups, she said:

"ooooh, look at you, what a classy look, supping wine in your dressing gown, nice!"

Her kids were real daredevils on the beach whilst mine are more reserved and there were lots of positive comments from her about how fab and outgoing and "mad" her kids were and a few about

The more extreme comments were thi,ngs like:
  • "why do you dress your daughters in Boden-esque pretty outfits if you consider yourself a feminist?"

"why do you read Cinderella / Snow White type stories to your DC when this is anti feminist and bound to cause her nightmares about wicked witches and evil step mothers when she gets to about 5 or 6"
and a great big full on row about the school we have chosen for our DC, along the lines of sate vs private vs faith.

I know these examples do sound petty and as I said, I accept that this is more of a reflection on my own thin skin. The point is, can I afford to lose a friend (we live abroad and don't have loads of friends in the country where we live or back in England) or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
Greythorne · 02/06/2010 13:48

Sorry, meant to write:
Her kids were real daredevils on the beach whilst mine are more reserved and there were lots of positive comments from her about how fab and outgoing and "mad" her kids were and a few about how mine were timid and scaredy cats etc.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 02/06/2010 13:54

I think you shouldn't go on holiday with other families, unless you know them extremely well and know that their attitudes mesh very well with your own. She probably isn't so bad normally, is she? I don't know anyone outside immediate family that I could be with for a week solidly without ending up pissed off about something.

I don't think you need to distance yourself from a normal friendship from her, just lay off the holidays!

Greythorne · 02/06/2010 13:57

yours is a good point but the slight problem is that as we live abroad, by definition, we only see these people for weekends or holidays, we can't just see them for a bbq or lunch because of the distances involved.

OP posts:
werewolf · 02/06/2010 14:02

It sounds like you don't fit together very well as families. Can you see them without the kids ever?

She'd upset me too.

Greythorne · 02/06/2010 14:58

The thing is, I know she doesn't mean to be nasty; we left the holiday with them saying how much they had loved it and how we should do it again next year. She even suggested a business opportunity for us to go into together. I just think she doesn't realise that the things she say can be upsetting.

I am not very good at having the mickey taken out of me but because of this, I doubly compensate and pretend I can take it in my stride because I don't want people to know how sensitive I am. So she probably doesn't know that she gets to me at all, in fairness.

But one thing strikes me now I am putting it all out on MN....during the holiday, one of her DC was discovered to have worms. Ok, it could happen to anyone. So she had a quiet word with me and I found a pharmacist open on Sunday, drove her and her DC there, translated to get the right medication for her DC and all the children in both families. The kids all took their medication without a fuss being made and none of the kids were any the wiser. But now I am starting to wonder what would happen had the boot been on the other foot? I really would hate to have been the one whose DC got worms because I am pretty certain she would not handle it with discretion but use it as another chance to take the mickey.


OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/06/2010 15:05

Then tell her. When she says something - challenge it. "What do you mean by that?" "I am not sure what you mean by that." "What are you saying to me?"

And her comments - the dressing gown - "I am relaxing in my dressing gown. It is not a problem." firm.

People treat you how you allow them to treat you - I have learned after YEARS of being everybody's doormat and punching bag.

lidofabiro · 02/06/2010 17:47

She probably has no idea you are offended or upset by her comments, if she just sees it as her sense of humour. Would you be able to tell her, or send her what you wrote above?

jellybeans · 04/06/2010 00:25

I had a friend abit like that, I dropped her and never missed her. She was simelar to described in the OP and also I felt she disrespected me, she let her kids pee all over my carpets repeatedly etc and wouldn't let my kids play with certain of her kids toys yet her kids came and trashed my whole house. She invited herself for dinner and made comments about my miscarriages amongst other things. She was bossy basically and I left after a visit feeling angry and annoyed. I dreaded her calls. I would rather have no friends!!

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