Facebook friend request (tho' I know these have been discussed and discussed....)

[WingedVictory]

I have joined Facebook, following the news of the death of a friend's baby. Since I had not even known about this poor child, I was even more horrified to hear she had died (cot death). I decided that I had had enough of being out of touch with people, but in joining FB have set my privacy settings as high as they will go.

I have just had a friend request from someone I used to work "with", who evidently saw me from the account of another, closer workmate whose years-ago request I have accepted.

I don't intend to have a huge FB circle, definitely want to limit work-related contacts (I am planning to ignore other Facebookers for this reason), and have also set myself not to be generally searchable. However, this girl has suffered from depression, and I would very much welcome advice on how other people have tactfully turned down "friend" requests. I'm not so much of a coward that I want to just reject her impersonally; I'm willing to say something about it.

(BTW, I have considered accepting her request, and then limiting what she can see, but there are two problems with that: (1) privacy settings seem to be re-set quite arbitratily on FB, and I don't really trust the site to "keep" the settings I want; and (2) if I add her, others may see me through her, and I could face this situation again. I'd rather deal with it straight away, and properly.)

Many thanks for any suggestions you might have, and apologies for the long post.

Is it really that big a deal? Just accept the request. Would you tell someone in rl that sorry you'd rather not be friends? Of course not its not a very nice thing to do and I'm sure you would be very unhappy if someone did it to you. Why does it seem that people seem to think that rl etiquette doesn't apply online?

I don't think there is a tactful way to do it tbh - they probably will take offence. I can't bear to be pleasant to a school mum 'friend' who ignored my friend request - damn cheek! (but then I can be uber petty when the mood takes me )

Agree with PPB - you'll also find that accepting a friend request is not akin to a proposal of marriage. Some of your so called friends will be quite 'dormant' in your facebook world (you'll tend not to post much on their wall and vice versa), so best to accept the overture unless other person is unhinged or grossly objectionable in some way

Oh you are too nice. I'd just ignore the request then block her so she can't find me or see me on any mutal friends walls etc.

I only add people to my FB that I will actually talk to and want to share personal stuff with so my block list is fairly high.

You must be talking to PPB, I have never been accused of being too nice before (lol)

I meant you all.

Jot down on your calendar: Momentous Day - someone thought I was too nice.

I'm now looking at half a dozen friend requests, and some "suggestions", and am beginning to feel harrassed. I didn't join Facebook in the first place because I hate being insincere and am not good at it (I hope).

I know this sounds ungrateful, and am feeling a bit guilty, because I always feared joining Facebook would be like this. It's sad to have my suspicion realised....

Sigh. Suppose I will have to "suck it up", as it's now no longer a question of hurting just one person, the girl I originally posted about.

your opening para is really weird. (Sorry). If you wd only have known about the baby by joining Facebook you're not really that close are you - being in touch on Facebook is more boring details not momentous life events. Maybe dejoin Facebook and use the phone more!

Hello. Sorry it's taken a while for me to draft this reply, and in the meantime, Facebook has got people to "suggest" all sorts of other people to me, so I'm feeling rather harassed, and annoyed that it's not possible to take it at a slow pace. It's no longer a mystery how people end up with 200 "friends".

I suppose I will have to deregister at some point, grumpypants! In the meantime, I'm going to set up a separate list to filter what people can see, so I can have an inner circle of the people I wanted in the first place.

It would just be nice to know whether people asked me to be "friends" in the first place because they were interested, or because FB has thrust me upon them. There is a lot of scope here for misinterpretation. (and don't worry, LeninGrad, I have no intention of saying anything I don't want bandied about a lot of people!)

Thanks for your responses.

I have been on FB actively for over a year now, I ignore most requests - any from people I never talk to in rl - no big deal. I think you are over thinking it.

People make friend requests, but they don't (surely?) usually sit waiting and wondering why someone hasn't accepted them.

[I have 41 "friends" - I might be a little antisocial but I like it that way] ?

Ignore on the first occassion (they don't get notified.) Accept if she asks again.

Have a friend 'cull' every few weeks. If they haven't had any interaction with you in this time they won't notice anyway.

You don't have to pay any attention to the "suggestions" - it's just trawling your email contacts.

I ignore without actively "ignoring" any I feel I don't actually know.