big decision time

[sortoutmyhead]

test (namechanger)

Ok this is going to be quite deep so bear with me. I am a name-changer, but have been around for the pooey pouffe, people helping trinity, moldies......

If you are feeling depressed, this might be triggering, so best not read it.

I really don't know where else to post this, so sorry if it is just too bleak and you have no idea what to write. But I needed to ask.

For the last 7 years I've had fibromyalgia really badly. I've mostly been bed bound. I had to give up a job I loved (my career was great even if I wasn't massively successful) and have lost a lot of friends along the way. I have watched a lot of friends get married and have children and don't think it will happen to me as I just feel too ill.

To cut a very long story short, after trying every treatment going I think I want to end my life. Not now, this evening, so don't panic. That's not going to happen. I mean I want to set a date, say 6 months in the future, have a great time between now and then and then say my goodbyes.

I'm so unbelieveably tired of being unwell. I get lots of pain which nothing touches. I've had a good life (am in my late thirtes) so lots of good experiences behind me from my healthy days.

I have one sibling - a db, who I know would be devastated if I did this. We have talked about it (I haven't told my elderly parents) and he has begged me not to. But ultimately it is my life and no one can live it for me and put up with the illness. Of course I don't want to die, I want to be well, but that isn't really going to happen.

I genuinely don't want to hurt the people I love and I know any suicide is devastating. But I've wanted this for a long time and I think I would have a great 6 months knowing the pain is almost over. The only problem would be having too good a time, going through my meagre savings and then deciding that life is bloody amazing and not going through with the decision in which case I'd have no money left but be very much alive - not very practical.

I have felt like this in the past and going away for a bit has sorted out my head. A friend has offered me her timeshare in Spain for a week which is very kind and would really help. But that's just going to patch me up. The feelings of wanting to die would still be there I feel.

So - and cheers for reading if you got this far. Wwyd? I appreciate if you haven't been in my situation you'd have no idea, but I still want to hear. There are so many clever people on this site. Thanks for listening.

Oh and I have had counselling, by the way. It hasn't ever helped, in fact I had one counsellor suggesting that my idea was a good one and what she would do if in my situation, which shocked me a bit.

In the gentlest way possible - it is your life. You must do with it what you feel is right.

I'd like to think that you give yourself the 6 months. Do all the things you want to do.

As you come to the end of that period of time you'll do a lot of thinking.
Maybe you'll want to give yourself another 6 months after that?
Maybe you're not quite finished doing all you want to do after 6 months?

Can you live your life in 6 monthly segments?

Do you have children?

My mum was very ill for 25 years with lupus, which affected her joints/ lungs/ heart/ brain. She struggled on brilliantly, and for years remained positive about a cure (or even a miracle)

When she finally did die, she had had enough. Her body dictated it, in reality, but my dad and I are sure her mind played a part- she just didn't want to go on with the hospitals/ treatments/ pain. My dad still thinks we could have done more, made her live, and we both wish she was still here and healthy, but I can understand that she just couldn't do it any more

Having said that, she had some really low points and then recovered to go on to create some great memories- rock bottom is not always as it seems, so allow yourself a bit of hope. Even as someone who was very ill, my mum seemed to manage a full and happy-ish life, despite the pain. At her funeral, I made up a board of photos of her in various places and at various events in her life, smiling. I wanted people to remember the good stuff she had, rather than be sad for a life cut short. Is it not possible you could have some good times ahead that you might miss out on if you take this decision?

I wouldn't presume to understand how you feel, but I know as someone living alongside it, every day my mum had was precious to me. The future isn't set in stone. Is there not some other way you could take control over your life? I wish you well, I really do, and I can't help hoping something comes along to change your mind

Thank you so much for your replies. It is so helpful, you have no idea. This is a very emotional issue for me and it is hard talking about in RL.

I don't have any dcs.

But my db has three children and so whilst I'm not responsible for them, they love me and would be affected by my death and that is something I have to factor into the equation. I don't want them to have to deal with something like this at their age. But again, I can't carry on just for them.

Im so sorry to hear all this - I dont know anything about your condition. Is it anything that may get better/ease/get worse.

What a terrible situation and you sound very resigned to it.

Are there are support groups that could help? Others in similar situations

It seems such a desperate and sad thing to do - have you spoken to your GP/Consultant about feeling like this

Of course it is your life and your perogative to do what you want - but i would feel very sad that you hadnt exhausted all the options maybe those you havent considered yet? You have a brother - could you live closer to him or with him?

Do you have close friends you can confide in?

I sympathise with you enormously and cannot imagine how terrible you must be feeling to be contemplating this but I really do wholeheartedly feel that MN's WWYD board is not the place for this decision. MN's collective opinion should not be responsible for making your decision for you.

I'm sure you know the number but here it is anyway.

SAMARITANS

08457 90 90 90 in the UK and Northern Ireland

1850 60 90 90 in the Republic of Ireland

I'm really sorry you feel so desperate, I don't know a lot about fibromyalgia , but a close relative has it and although she spent over six months off work at one point she is now running her own business. So I think what I'm trying to say is just because you hurt today and will no doubt hurt tomorrow, there could well be a much better period ahead.

Have you spoken to your doctor and I mean really spoken to him/her and got across quite how awful you are feeling. I think there is a tendancy to be polite and say thank you and not say the painkillers are rubbish , I still feel awful etc. Not saying you do this but just thinking aloud. If your doctor is unsympathetic get a new one!