So here I finally am with the opportunity to finally note down what occupies so much space not only in my head but in my heart; but where to start? DS has fallen asleep and DD is with her grandmother for a couple of hours so here goes...
Each day I question whether the way I behave, think, feel and look is normal and have come to no conclusion. All I know is that most of the time I seem to lose my internal battles and feel defeated and then begin to wonder how what my end will look like. I wonder whether it will be by my own hand (if I ever finally make up my mind) or by some freak accident or perhaps a long and painful demise...I know only this, that lately I frequently wish it were soon...
I know it sounds terrible, doesn't it? Especially as I look at these words myself. Although I love my children (or at least I think I do) I cannot help my mind from wandering in this direction...I have tried, so very hard and yet I always come back to this feeling of emptiness and pointlessness. I cannot give to others what I would so much like to and I cannot engage with my own children or provide them what they need be that on a financial or emotional level.
It would appear that all round I am a significant disappoint and cause so much trouble to all. My parents' don't understand and truthfully, I feel, never have understood me; perhaps the same is true of my siblings? My poor husband looks worse each day as though his heart is about fail him most likely from stress and coming home to me and an abode in disarray and screaming babies.
I don't want to go to a doctor...so perhaps it's time to call it a day? I have no one to confide in about this.