Do I stay or do I go?

[Andrea67]

Recently discovered that my husband of 3 and a half years has not been paying any of our bills. He has built up £8000 worth of debt, shredded all the paperwork and warnings,and went to court last year without me to a possession hearing! I was called up too but knew nothing about it.
We've been really struggling for the last couple of years and I've been constantly asking if everything was ok, if bills were paid and up to date, and each time he lied and told me that everything was paid.
I've also found out that the mortgage company issued 3 eviction orders against us and I had no idea.
Luckily, my parents have stepped in and helped out and my husband had a big payment which has just about covered everything.
It was a real shock and I don't feel that I can believe anything he says any more. I certainy can't trust him with money. He doesn't think it's a big deal now that it's all sorted!
I really don't know where to go from here.
Help!

Bloody hell that a massive abuse of trust, personally I would go I could never trust him again after that.

Why were the bills not being paid?? Aside from the huuge issue of trust being broken, that would be my second concern. In your shoes it would depend on the cricumstances around him getting into such a huge financial mess. For example was it a losing his job and being too proud situation or are there other issues such as secret gambling/drinking/other costly addiction?

What would he have done if you were evicted when would he have told you??

IF it were me and I were to stay I would hold all the financial controls right down to having all the debit cards. TBH after leaving a man who could have 'financial fuckwittery' as one of his bad traits, and feeling the weight that has lifted now I don't have such anxieties about finances, the mortgage getting paid, etc I know I would never choose to live like that again. Sorry you are in this situation OP.

My DH and his exW had huge financial problems. She got into massive debt without him knowing about it. (Like, MASSIVE).
The relationship did survive for a few years after that ( they had kids together).
I also know another couple where the DH ran up huge debts and that all came to a head eventually.
Relationships can survive this type of trauma, but you will both need to dig deep.
Also, in both cases, there was a reason (sort of) for the debts, so I think you will need to investigate WHY he got into debt to move forward...

E.G if all the money went on Thai LadyBoys then, See Ya.
If all the money went on paying his senile Granny's care home bill, then, possibly excuseable.

(Don't mean to be flippant, but we only get little snapshots of people's lives on MN, I would seek professional help, try CAB)

Good Luck.

DH ran up debts twice, Both times about £5k not hugely his fault, the first we were living apart and he was using CC to pay for food etc, I had enough to pay them off but have taken control of all the finances.

Actually the first one I was really miffed at, he did hide it but was oaying it off, I just didn't know how much, but i used money that i had set aside to do a course to pay it off. Second one I knew as by then I was keeping a tighter control.

Thanks for that, everyone!

It's good to know I'm not alone.

He runs his own business and basically didn't have enough income to top up mine to pay the bills. It's the fact that he said he had that is so frustrating. We could have got help much sooner. My parents are fuming. I'm just disappointed and I really don't want to have to be in control of everything. It's like having a child - you don't know what they're up to behind your back!

I suppose I've got a lot of thinking to do!:{

My Exh had run up almost 100k of debt before I found out.

If I had found out at 8k the outcome would have been the same for the marriage but a lot better for my heart rate and finances!

I would NEVER allow myself to get into that position again.

surely its better to have control than not know whats going on and as for the fact your parents were able to help is another "why worry" for him. If you really love him and he you and he doesn't want to get into debt then its best you hold the reins. And it will be good for you to be in control did you never think of calling utilities to see if they were being paid???????

Like everyone has already said there are huge issues of trust here. For every lie he told you he had to tell half a dozen more to cover his tracks. Your relationship was built on lies and it begs the question what else was he lying to you about?

Things are very raw, and the best thing is not have a knee jerk reaction. The ball is now in your court, you hold the balance of power in your relationship now but things will not always be this way. You need to take your time and decide what is best for you and the family. What is best for him takes a low priority.

Go seek legal advicand find out your options. An initial consultation is often free of charge. There is useful free information on our UK based website to browse at your leisure.

The important thing is take your time, make the right decision and don't look back!

diyfamilylaw