Making an effort with a 'friend' for the sake of the children?

[PavlovtheCat]

I have an old friend, we have known her for over 10 years, DH even longer than that. We have drifted apart over the years, but kept in touch with her, with us making all the effort because her DS aged almost 5 gets on brilliantly with DD aged almost 3.8.

They have moved out of the area and we used to visit them a lot so the children could meet up. DD would sometimes stay but this stopped as friend has an alcohol problem and drinks heavily while looking after the children. I have stopped going as I have found her to be increasingly hard work to be around. Dh gets on well with her DP so he has continued taking DD up to theirs without me probably once a month or so. This costs around a fiver a time in petrol, but the cost has not really been an issue as the kids get to play.

They never come to visit. They have not been once in a year to see us. They have arranged several times to come, and have waited in for them and DD has got excited and seeing her little friend, and it has never happened, leaving DD crestfallen. So we have not asked them again to come and visit as it wastes our time and upsets DD when they don;t show.

DH has become fed up with the one sided effort and slowed the visits to almost a stop.

We met up with them recently at a mutal gathering and the children really do love each other. They hold hands, and just run together like they are joined. It is so lovely to see and we feel bad they do not see each other now.

Should we continue to make an effort, for the sake of our children, to keep their friendship going and just deal with the lack of effort on the part of our friend?

WWYD?

Oh, and to get an idea of lack of effort - at DDs last birthday she had a party at around 4pm. Before that, we drove all the way to friend's house to pick her DS up, and took them both back in the other direction to visit a farm for the day. We paid for him to get in, did lunch for them both, treated them to ice creams and a toy each. Another mutual friend lives close to them, and they came to the party in the evening with their own DS. Rather than catch a lift with them (she does not drive), she asked them to collect him for her and bring him back home when they returned themselves. Not one little bit of effort from her, but we put ourselves out in time, effort and cost, so that the children could experience DDs birthday together.

Personally wouldn't bother. Children are pretty fickle creatures. Can you even remember any friends of your at that age? I can't. It just sounds like too much upset and heatache for your family, not worth any rewards IMHO.

smacka no i don't ! You are right, we should not bother.

It just seems a shame, that a long long friendship which has reached a point where we have children at similar ages moves in such different directions. Thing is, she does not seem to see it. She thinks the friendship is still good . She calls up and invites us up for dinner. Said to us at this gathering 'oh you have to come for dinner soon, its been a while', she does not get the lack of effort bit!

She sounds like a very unhappy woman. What you say about the heavy drinking is definitely not good. If she's a raving alcoholic you can't really expect her to turn up on time and make commitments, etc. If your DD loves their DS I'd try to forget about getting together as families and instead just focus on taking her child out now and again to let the children enjoy their time together. It obviously gives your 'friend' a break and probably her son too, and that way you'll avoid a horrible confrontation. If you don't expect her to reciprocate or thank you you might feel more relaxed about the situation.

barba she is indeed an unhappy woman. She certainly does not need a break though! She does not work, her ex-h has him every other weekend and he is at school in the week now. She has more money than sense so i would not take him out from under her feet at our expense. I was happy to do it for DDs birthday, as it was her birthday treat. And unfortunately taking him out means driving up there to get him and then taking him back. Its time consuming and costs us money.

Her heavy drinking is a problem. but alas it is only one she can do something about. And that is most likely why she buried herself in the middle of nowhere with her DP.

But, then, as you say, it would be nice for the children to spend time together, and they would love it, which is what matters.

There won't ever be any ugly confrontations. She puts her foot in it spectacularly most of the time as only alcoholics can, and DH and I are used to it, and generally just hold our breath and smile/laugh

and her lack of commitment/not arriving somewhere is i guess drink related in that she will change a plan to get home and drink or forget she has made plans at all. Her DP does not have a drink problem though. It is not being late that is the problem I have. It is the not bothering to call to tell us that they did not have time in the end as they had to go and buy a new guppy fish or whatever they are before the shop shut [one reason!] and only told us when we called to find out where they were.

I think you already know that if it wasn't for the DC you probably wouldn't see them again. You've obviously put in enough effort to be able to walk away with your conscience clear...

... Now if you'd be kind enough to walk back over the the thread on Money Matters concerning Mat Pay I'd be sincerely grateful