WWYD - if your DH/DP was impotent?

[Jacksmama]

Just want to get some opinions.

Was told that a mutual friend is/ has been/ was (not sure which) cheating on her DH because her DH has a condition that has made him unable to have erections.

Was told the DH most likely either suspects or knows this.

They had been having some marital problems (related or unrelated, I don't know), separated for a while, are now back together.

This is not a close friend, we have drifted apart since I had DS and I now barely see her. She is child-free by choice (not due to hubby's condition, he has children from a previous marriage) and I always knew that if/when I got pregnant we would most likely not see much of each other.

BTW, I didn't ask for this information, and I really wish I didn't know. But now that I do, I'm trying to get my head around it and not be judgmental.

One the one hand... I really disapprove of infidelity.

BUT.

I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. What if my DH suddenly developed erectile dysfunction? What if I were facing the rest of my life with him, without being able to have penetrative sex? Of course I know that there are lots of ways to be intimate that don't involve a man's penis. But over the course of years, would that be enough?

I don't know. And because I don't know, I don't want to judge her.

BUT.

I believe that cheating is wrong!

I'm not likely to see her for a while, as I said, we're not close (and we're both obviously fine with that), and before I see her again, I'd really like to resolve in my mind how I feel...

Help?

if i loved my dp then i woukdn't cheat just because of that. there are plenty of ways they could sitll have a healthy sex life. and there are drugs etc that can help with erectile dysfunction

it's no excuse for cheating at all.

not an excuse to cheat

unless the DH was fully aware and in agreement with it

but then, that isn't cheating

it would be kinder to end the relationship if she/him or both were unhappy with the situation as it is

Well, my understanding is that if ED is caused by diabetes, then the blood vessels that cause erections are permanently f*cked... pardon the lousy pun...

As long as my partner was still happy to have sex with me, albeit without involving an erect penis, I wouldn't go elsewhere, no. If he lost all libido as well? That's much harder. No pun intended.

WRT your friend, or ex-friend, what you should do is mind your own business. You don't even know if what you have been told is true.
IN a general way, there is quite a bit that can be done medically for erectile dysfunction, so if it was a DP of mine I would send him to the GP. If nothing could be done, then I would do some rummaging on line and try various sex toys (there are penis extenders etc that can help). But the most important factor would be the DP's attitude - does he expect me just to put up with it? is he willing to look into everything that can possibly be done to help? Is the relationship good enough without sex to persevere with and/or is it stable enough to at least discuss the possiblity of making it non-exclusive?

SolidGold, I plan to mind my own business... I'm not ever planning on mentioning it (God forbid), what she does is her own business, or hers and her DH's. Telling me to MYOB isn't remotely helpful to me though, because I'm trying to figure out how I feel about it.

What I am trying to do is get my mind around the whole issue so I don't become a judgmental old cow and when I do see her, carry on friends as before, having resolved it in my mind.

I suppose what I'm asking is, if I can't necessarily be supportive of extramarital sex, can I find a way to be accepting enough of it so I don't find myself pulling away from the friendship? No, we're not close anymore, but a friend is a friend.

I think I'd feel quite differently if she was cheating on a fully capable DH. In that case, I'd have to say "get out of the marriage if you're that unhappy". But there is the ED thing... so does that change the "wrongness" of cheating, or doesn't it? I don't know, and that's what I'd like some input on.

Thing is, why don't you just forget about it? Because it has nothing to do with you and you are not aware of the full facts of the case anyway. And your opinion is of no relevance to her.
Thing is, monogamy is not compulsory and how a couple choose to define the level of monogamy within their relationship is not something other people need to judge, or accept, or even know about. Different strokes and all that.

If my DH developed erection problems I would encourage him to seek medical help, but then I love my DH and can't imagine looking elsewhere for sex.

what SGB said. Absolutely.

I mean really...how can people presume to judge what is going on in someone else's relationship. it seems to me that people are obsessed with infidelity and look for evidence of it everywhere. If it upsets you so much think about something else!

NO. ED does not legitimise cheating. there is alot that can be done. or she agrees to leave dh. not cheat. there is no excuse for cheating. we all know that. especially not ED.

Thanks for your extremely helpful responses. I shall no go mind my own business .

Remind me next time, when I care about someone, not to bother asking for advice.

CheersFromJMWhoIsClearlyObsessedWithHerFriends'SexLives

You don't know how her and her partner feel about monogamy as SGB states.

Me and my OH are quite young and he had/has an ED. We were long distance and when we did see each other we rarely had sex just because it was so hard (excuse the pun!) to do anything. It has improved slightly in the six months we've been living together but now I find that my libido is at an all time low just because of how long I put up with the lack of sex!

I don't think that you could put yourself in her shoes without having experienced it, not properly anyway. It destroys your self esteem completely and it's extremely difficult to try keep a happy face and not bring one another down after trying and failing to have sex. And the problem is, the more times ou try and fail the more likely it is that it'll fail next time as well. You start to resent the idea of having sex with your partner because of how shite you feel when it ends badly.

I can sympathise for her because I know how horrible it is and know how unattractive I felt as a result and I will admit to thinking about looking elsewhere in the worst moments. I've only been with my OH a year and a half, she's put up with it a lot longer by the sounds of it!

sorry JM I didnt' mean to come across so bitchy. I have personal issues with 'infidelity hunters' and didn't mean to imply you are obsessed with friends' sex lives. And I am in a foul mood today

on the whole though, probably best not to investigate especially if what you find out will upset you...compassion called for I think rather than blame/ostracism for 'cheating'