Need Advice

[fifi24]

Found out in December that DH had been flirting by text and email with his PA...I found a text, challenged him and he admitted that it had gone too far but not crossed the line (he kissed her twice after nights out). I believed him but couldn't stop snooping - found more emails and texts which made very unsavoury reading but showed that he was telling the truth about how far things had gone.

For 3 months I have been coping really well. W'd been getting on badly for a couple of years and this seemed to be the kick up the backside we both needed to get back on track. We totally love each other, always have, and I felt we could get through it.

But the last week has been hell, I keep going over everything I saw - I can't eat, I can't sleep, I have stomach cramp constantly, can't stop crying and am being vile to him which he can't understand because I think he was expecting this at the beginning not now. We love each other so much, we have 2 children and there is no question that I am going to throw the towel in, but I just can't cope with this pain.

They still work together which makes it so much worse. There is no question of him leaving as he is on career highway heading to the top, company is not so big that he could ask for her to be transferred (nor does he seem to think this is necessary as he said it was nothing).

Oh and he is 41 and she is 22....

Please help

Hmm - I think the main, and most important thing, you need to consider is whether you can fully trust he won't carry on flirting/kissing like this with her (or someone else)again.
I don't mean to sound harsh but why would he do something like that if he completely loved you? However that said, perhaps he's hitting the midlife crisis point and if, as you say, things haven't been great over the last few years, perhaps he's being honest and you need to be too and say assertively what you will and won't stand for. If you think the relationship has just become boring, think of ways to spice it up and get deserved time to yourselves. If he's trying to work his way up in the company, he's probably fairly stressed at work and then if he's coming home to tension between the two of you and the monotony pf fmaily life, then it might have seemed a bit of a release to be texting this girl. You may love each other completely but are you both showing each other how much you love each other - cinema, dinner dates etc.

what did you see exactly that is making you feel so ill ?

didn't you say they only kissed twice ?

do you think he is telling the truth about how much realy happened ?

you sound all over the place, love...is he understanding at all about how much this has devastated you ?

oh, and he is a pathetic twat, btw...what a fucking cliche. I am so sorry...what an awful situation to find yourself in.

I'm going to say something that will sound harsh but is the best piece of advice anyone ever gave me: Get a life.

I understand everything you're feeling and how easy it is to get stuck in a self-pity hole like that. By getting out and doing stuff for you you will incidentally take your mind off the nasty images, get perspective, make new friends, find new things to talk about with your DH. Start thinking about what you want and if he does the same you will both remember why you fell in love.

BTW you are totally entitled to feel sorry for yourself and mourn the marriage you thought you had but life is short.

He's going to have to work hard to win your trust back, and he won't do it by sweeping what he's done under the carpet.

He's trying to minimise his bad behaviour, but in doing so he's denying your emotional response to the situation. This is probabaly almost as hurtful and destructive as the initial betrayal.

He should be prostrating himself in front of you. You have every right to feel hurt and angry.

I hope you work things out but I think you need to talk more, and he needs to allow you to express how you feel. He needs to be able to take it, otherwise you'll never work through your feelings and it will keep coming back to bite you on the bum.