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if you were asked to be a living donor for your dad?

14 replies

lynniep · 16/02/2010 19:25

I was talking to DSM (stepmum)on the phone today - she's at the hospital with my dad, who is not well, and hasnt been for a long time - but he plods on (he's 73).

Theres a list of things wrong with him, but the doctors told her today he may need dialysis, and she's got it into her head he needs a new kidney (I dont know what the docs said about that - but shes a nurse so she knows whats going on) and as shes not a blood match and I am - she told my dad that I would be a donor if he needed it, whilst I was on the phone. I had to agree really, put on the spot like that (but I could hear him going 'no way' in the background.)

Now the thing is, I dont know if I could be his donor. I love my dad. He's wonderful, witty, clever and wise and I cant bear him being so ill. I dont want to lose him either. But. I have two young boys. If it turned out I was a match - well to be honest I'd worry about my being ok, I'd worry about them needing a kidney from me in the future. Chances are that wouldnt be necessary, but should I take that risk?

I totally understand where my DSM is coming from - she's heartbroken that she might be losing him and she'd give him anything she could - and so would I - if I didnt have my boys to think about.

I dont know what to say if she brings it up again. DH (and I havent asked him but I know) would say absolutely not. So will my dad. I'm 75% sure it would be a bad idea. But I dont want to hurt DSM. I just dont think she cant think rationally about it right now.

This is still hypothetical - like I said I dont know what the docs have actually said. I rarely see them, because they live 3.5 hrs away and he's too ill to travel and DS2 is only three months old, so dad hasnt met him yet because its a long trip for a newborn and the weather has been so bad. But we're going up next week.

WWY Do/say?

OP posts:
WorzselMummage · 16/02/2010 19:29

I would in a heartbeat

BariatricObama · 16/02/2010 19:31

i don't think you should. and i don't think it is the sort of thing people should ask

LadyGaggia · 16/02/2010 19:32

I understand where you are coming from. I love my dad, but have mentally already donated my body to the kids should they ever need parts IYSWIM

I would as a parent refuse to take parts from my kids to keep me alive and I'm sure your dad feels the same way.
Its all about protecting the next generation in my way of thinking

Bicnod · 16/02/2010 19:32

I'd do it. My dad is my hero.

But I can understand where you're coming from.

I don't think this is a decision anyone else can help you with really - it's far far too personal.

Hope it all works out.


FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 16/02/2010 19:35

I wouldn't piss on my dad if he was on fire so no, I wouldn't do it.

However, I get what you are saying about your worries about being okay for your children and I would feel the same. There is nothing to stop you talking it all through with the doctors and you can ask them any questions you have.

If you decided not to do it it is your right and don't let it become an issue and split the family apart.

RubysReturn · 16/02/2010 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everylittlebeat · 16/02/2010 19:36

So hard to say.... I'd like to think I would, but at the same time my main responsibility now is to my own children.

I think rather than trying to decide now, you should wait until you've spoken to both the hospital and your dad. Your stepmum might be getting ahead of herself a bit, and it's possible you wouldn't be a good enough match, or that he's not a suitable candidate for a transplant for some reason.

I assume the hospital would be able to offer lots of information to help you make the right choice for you and your family.

coldtits · 16/02/2010 19:38

I would, actually. But my dad wouldn't let me.

heQet · 16/02/2010 19:39

I think it would be totally pointless for me to say what I'd do if it was my dad. What matters is you have your - very understandable - concerns.

I think that you should not allow your stepmum to think that you will do it, so say to her things like "Let's see what the doctors have to say about Dad's situation before we start to think about things like that"

And is it really true that if you have the same blood type you will be compatible anyway? I seem to recall something about tissue match? Or am I wrong? So you might not be a match anyway? I don't know.

Lulumama · 16/02/2010 19:41

I would for my dad, in an instant, you can live well with one kidney , and there is no history of kidney related illness in our family, so i would have no reason to think i would really compromise myself by doing so

my dad is a constant source of support and care (as is my mum!) i am so so lucky, that if i could do something as amazing, and give him more years on this earht, then i would instantly.

it is something though, you cannot and should not be rushed/ guilt tripped into

surely there would be counselling etc to ensure that it wast the righ tthing?

HerBeatitude · 16/02/2010 19:42

I wouldn't.

I wouldn't dream of asking either of my children for a body part to keep me alive and if they offered, I'd refuse. I'd give my child a body part though.

EdgarAllenSnow · 16/02/2010 19:54

being a donor can limit your life in many ways - it is major surgery, you won't be able to drink as much, and you have to be much more careful with your body.

You have two little boys to think of - you need to be strong and healthy for them. I think both my parents would tell me to put my children first, rather than risk making their GCHs Mother sick.

JackiePaper · 16/02/2010 19:58

i would do it without question, my dad has done so much for me over the years. But it is for you to decide not us, i wish your dad all the best x

CantSupinate · 18/02/2010 14:29

If all my dad needed was a kidney I'd do it in a heartbeat (even when he's 73+). But it sounds OP's dad has a series of severe problems, the kidney is just one of many issues.

OP, can you sort of placate (a little) your DSM (I have one of those, too) by just asking her to find out more specifics about his problems? It sounds like she is just desperate to do Something, and she needs someone to help her channel her anxieties productively. And then IF doctors recommended a transplant, IF they think he's actual a good candidate (unlikely, from what you've said), then you can find out if you're even a tissue match (quite likely you're not).

There are a lot of hurdles in all this, you see, your DSM is probably not aware of them. And any one of those likely obstacles would relieve you of your moral dilemna.

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