if a family member shows a massive preference for one dc over the other?

[LovelyBertha]

Just interested to know how antyone else in this situation has dealt with it.

We see this person on a faily regular basis.

The favourite is 3yo DS. They are very careful to be 'fair' when it comes to xmas pressies and stuff like that, but DS is treated like he's the second coming, whilst DD (8 mths) is virtually ignored.

I'm sure it is not a case of 'not being interested in babies', I think it is more like boys are seen as better than girls.

It is difficult not to seem like I have a pref for DD in their company - I'm conscious of over-compensating iyswim. I'm convinced the situation wont change, so how do I deal with it? (Especially once DD is old enough to pick up on it herself.)

wwyd? or what have you done?

I could have written this!!

Dp's mums fav is my ds1, and boy does it show! Since dd was born (and to some extent ds2), the favouritism has only gotten worse. Im a bit like you though, in that i know its not going to change, and I overcompensate. And I have decided to just roll with it, as its not worth the aggro! If granny is giving her attention to ds1, i make sure that dd has mine, that way she doesnt notice too much, though i know she does

In the past we have actually spoken to dp's mum but she cant actually see that she is doing anything wrong, and she has actually not spoken to us and been very snidey to dp in the past. In fact id say that at times she has been quite childish about it! This all came to a head when dd asked if she could stay at her house overnight, and she was told no. Ds1 had been staying over since he was 2 (hes now 6!) and dd (who is 4) had never stayed, it really wouldnt have killed her now, would it!?

Has your dp noticed it? And have they mantioned it to you also? Some might think its all in your head, but if others are noticing and your feeling brave, just bring it up, not flinging accusations though. They might not even realise that they are doing it. Certainly when dd was first born, some people were concerned about ds1 not being put out, which is fine, and when it was pointed out to them, they were apologetic. (apart from dp's mum)

I think just accept it and forget about it.

"They are very careful to be 'fair' when it comes to xmas pressies and stuff like that"

What more can you ask. There must be adults you like more than others. In the case of a gp there is a bit more need to appear fair, but it sounds like it's not a gp in this case.

1981 - you're feeling my pain!

(it is their gp btw)

I'm trying really hard not to let it get to me - accept that there is not a lot I can do about it. As they are so 'fair' with material stuff, confronting them with the issue is far, far more trouble than it is worth.

My choices are:

Ignore it, and in the long run try to make light of it if dd ever notices.

Try to engineer some one on one time betweeen dd and her gps.

Indulge dd with lots of treats and attention when we see them.

wwyd?

Sorry, I don't want to be blunt but TBH, a 3 year old is far more interactive than an 8m old and therefore, more likely to attract more attention. I wouldn't be surprised if when your DD is that age, she becomes the wonderful and perfect "baby" girl to be cherished by all the family. That was certainly what happened with my little sister and she continues to be so almost 40 years later!

However, don't over compensate, more so at this age, the only thing you will get is for your DS to know that this relative adores him but his mum prefers little sister. Which is worse. Your DD will not even notice anything of this.

I think people do favour some children more than they actually let on-my own ds's of which there are 3 are each preferred by different people for different reasons .....

so long as its not obvious you just have to 'suck it up'....

I think the worst example i have of this is when i went back to the nursery taking ds2 with me - all day wed be there and hed be as good as gold as soon as dh and ds1 arrived to collect us everyone would say ' ohhhh look is here' and ds1 would be fussed over and spoilt.

lovelybertha- i am indeed! It actually really upset me to when she was a baby, as there were days we went round and she was never picked up by anyone but me. Yet when ds1 was the same age, i never got a look in!!

option2 sounds good to me. its important that you get time with ds too, and that is a perfect reason to ask if they could look after your dd for a little while,even if its just to go to the park (although its still a bit cold right enough!).

Hi,

When I was growing up we lived with my maternal grandmother who made no secret that my older brother was golden boy, whereas me and my younger brother may as well not existed (it was a cultural thing, on my Mums side of the family, boys, in particular the oldest, are everything. My brother didn't really count because he wasn't perfect - partially sighted and I am a girl - enough said!).
Throughout her life with us she gave him everything and when she died every penny of her money went to him, not even my mother.

She never made any secret of it at all, in fact going so far as to actually ensure that my older brother had evertything and we had nothing. Amongst other odd behaviour, she actually used to hide my toys away so that I had nothing to play with (and i would get a smack if i tried to find them) because she didn't want me to do anything apart from sit still and be quiet (I'm talking about for years here, not just for a few hours if I was naughty).

Anyway, I'll put my violin away now but what I remember is that as a child I accepted that she was in the wrong. I knew there was nothing I could do about it but learn to accept and live with it even though it meant I really didn't like her. Shame considering she was my own grandmother.

I've grown up to be a balanced person who gives my children as much love and affection as possible and equally. What was important to me growing up was that I needed to feel that the people who I loved most and who loved me most i.e. my parents, did not feel the same way. As long as you give your children equal love and attention I think they will be fine.

Good luck.