If you thought someone's lifestyle was affecting their health?

[wonderingwondering]

Would you say something? To a man in his mid-thirties, overweight, drinker, not particularly active, poor diet. Father and mother both suffer heart disease. Showing no signs of changing his ways, doesn't see a problem. But unable to stay awake past nine thirty, very inactive during the day, constantly got low level illness - cold, flu etc.

Would you say something to them? And if so, what?

It would depend on what my relationship with them was. If it was someone who was a close friend or close member of family then I might catch them at a quiet moment and ask if they're ok.

You know my DH

If it is your OH yes, yes I would. I do.

But in the context of we're both too fat, we both need to do more exercise, the kids will learn their habits from us, I don't want either of us to fall ill etc.

However he is a damn sight bigger than me and my family medical history isn't so chequered...

Is it your OH?

It is my best friend's husband, who was a friend of mine before they got married. So I know him quite well, but kind of stepped back from the friendship a little, when they got together, so I wasn't the pushy female friend!

My friend is very defensive of any criticism of him, or of their lifestyle. They have both put on lots of weight since getting married a few years ago, and much of the lifestyle/diet stuff applies to her too, so saying anything might upset both of them.

Ooh that is a hard one.

TBH in that situation I'd probably leave it. they must know they are too fat and inactive - most people do - and if you say anything they will not react well. IMO.

Unless.... (thinks)

Could you say to him that your have noticed his DW has put on a lot of weight and you are a bit worried as you've read a lot in the papers recently about links to illness etc etc. If you can make him worry about her, and he tries to do something about it, that would have a positive effect for both of them.

Only you know how he would react to that though.

You can't say anything they don't already know. It's up to them to look after their own health.
I'd go no further than mentioning in passing how much you are enjoying your weekly exercise class. Might give them an idea but it's not really your business, tbh.

I just said "weekly exercise class" as an example btw.

no i would not. they would not listen, and likely think of it as being rude ie they will only hear 'overweight, unhealthy etc' rather than the concern behind it.

I now have image on mind of OP jogging up to fat mates, attired in 80's style sweat gear complete with headband, touching her toes a few times, lightly saying "I really enjoy my weekly exercise class" and then bouncing off again, leaving fat mates standing there biscuits in hand with their mouths hanging open

If someone I know well came along to me and said that I was too fat and they were worried i would be pretty TBH and I can't actually imagine anyone doing that.

If someone came along and said DH was too fat and was I concerned I would say yes and have a chat about it.

As with all other lifestyle/addiction things, people don't change unless they actually want to. As pavlov says, it wouldn't do anything, I'm sure.

Mind your own business. I think it sounds very arrogant of you to presume that you know far better than them what is good for them. They will not thank you for interfering. They already know what is good for them, unless they live in a bubble.

I would keep out of it as hard as it is. If it was your own DH then fine, nag away. But this is their marriage and thier lives/family. You don't want to offend them, and a subject like this is likely to.

If you ever see this man on his own, you could mention it in a very lighthearted way, but leave it at that.

Exactly I'mSo, that's the approach I am advocating .

My DH is diabetic (type 2) and so is my friend's DH but mine manages his really well, has spot on blood readings, does exercise, moderately eats sweet things, whereas friend's Dh doesn't. We chose to talk about what we were doing to be healthier, both of us eating well etc, to try the 'setting a good example' route, as generally people do what they want to do and whatever good advice you give directly, they will only take notice of it if they're ready. Plant some seeds of thought as wukter says above.

no, stay out of it. everyone knows the risks with smoking, obesity, drugs etc etc and they take their choice. Saying something to them is rude and interfering.

I smoke, i know all the risks, i would like to be a non-smoker, but the last thing i need is someone telling me it is wrong. I know that.

Agree with Pavlov. You might be better joining something yourself as an example or asking one of them if they 'd like to come along to something with you for a bit of a laugh - dancing might be less daunting for example.

I'd say nothing - they'll already know that their lifestyle is unhealthy - its their choice

wukter i reckon it's the way forward.

rombouts can I recommend allen carr if you would like to quit.

Mind your own business. FFS telling your friend to tell his wife she's too fat is the most ridiculous, arrogant, nasty thing you could possibly do. That's going to do their marriage a fuck of a lot of good, isn;t it 'Listen darling, my best female friend that you are alreadyd a bit uneasy about says you;re a porker and she's willing to help you go on a diet.'

eightieschick you run the risk of looking smug if you do that though. Not saying you were being smug, but it is so easy to casually say how you are doing this, that and the other to improve something, in the hope someone will take a hint, and what it can look like is 'look at how great i am'. If the person in question has low self esteem, they may well think that person is being smug, rather than it being aimed at them. And sometimes, people who are overweight, eat too much, do little exercise, fall asleep early, are suffering from low self esteem.

ROFL SGB now you put it like that...

The next time someone points out my DH is a big lad (no not like that I mean his tum) I shall pick him up and lob him at them. That should make them think twice about doing it again.

(i say that, as i beleive i did this on my postnatal thread. Someone said they were having a worries about their older child, and I said what I do, to give some support and suggestions. What it came across as was, you are finding it hard, and i am not, i do ALL this wonderful stuff with my children. When it so was not the case or the intention, i find it as hard as the others. On re-reading it, i sounded smug, and what i feel the post did was make others feeling bad, feel even worse as i came across like some supermother which i am not)

Thanks all. The smuggery thing, as well as the hurt feelings, is what I was concerned about [wishes I could touch my toes/do cartwheels...]

The reason I thought maybe I should say something was that the DH's health seems to be suffering - much more lethargic and sleepy than he used to be, even six months ago. He's always been a bit overweight, but we spent a weekend with them a few weeks ago and I was really shocked at how unwell he seemed. But they don't see a problem, just say 'oh, we're going to get to the gym more'. But they don't.

I know my BFs mum has spoken to her about the weight and lifestyle thing. But this isn't 'you're looking a bit porky' it's more - I think your DH might actually be ill.

I know it is none of my business but to put it bluntly, I don't want to keep my mouth shut then see my BF widowed in her mid-forties, as her MIL was. And yes, they know they are overweight. But they seem to be in denial about the cause and the consequence: my BF will swear she doesn't over-eat, but when we were with her, she ate a cooked breakfast, two courses at lunchtime, cake mid-afternoon, three courses at dinner, and the best part of a couple of bottles of wine (plus peanuts, crisps etc).

And yes, I know this sounds like I'm watching, judging, perhaps being catty. But I'm genuinely concerned. Esp for her DH, given he lost his father at a very young age. And the fact he seems very unhealthy, whereas in their twenties, they were a bit overweight, but pretty fit and active.

Then, if you feel very very strongly about it, then maybe you should say something, but don't try to be subtle. You will need to say what you have said here pretty much in your last post. It might even be that he is unwell, lifestyle or not, and it is that which you should address. And you will need to be blunt and direct. Just say it like you think it, or not at all.

'best friend, is DH ok? I am really worried about him. When we visited last time he seemed quite unwell and I am concerned about you both'

Thinking someone's lifestyle is not great is one thing. Thinking they could actually be unwell and at risk of serious illness/death because of it is different. But they might not see it that way so be prepared for that.