Should I lie..?

[ErikaMaye]

I went to a teen ante-natal group as I was 17 when pregnant (DS now 11 weeks). They were great, and I still go to the post-natal group in the same building.

The age limit is 19. I have a friend who is 21, though you wouldn't guess it to talk to her - she acts and looks about 15. She is pregnant, although she can't remember when she's due (), and is in a very bad situation. Without going into details, she is living with her partner and his family. They are controlling to the point of taking her clothes and shoes away to prevent her from going out when they don't want her to, telling her she is a lazy bitch for sleeping during the day, but making her tidy the house during the night. She was told she was having the baby after an unplanned pregnancy ended in miscarriage last year. She has now been told that she will have another baby when this one is six months, that it will be called X if its a girl, Y if its a boy, and she's not allowed to breast feed because she will do it wrong, and she can't express because he doesn't want to handle bottles of breast milk. He is drinking from 3am every morning. I could go on.

Anyway - she will be allowed to leave the house for ante natal classes. She thinks she due at some point in the summer, so the classes are a long way off. Would it be wrong for me to lie about her age to get her into these classes? They're every week. I'm hoping that her getting out of the house once a week might give her some confidence, and the class on healthy relationships they do every few weeks might make her realise what a bad situation she's in.

[Portofino]

It sounds like she is in a very unpleasant situation. Could you not explain to someone at the group - they might be sympathetic and bend the rules. You should also try to persuade her to contact Women's Aid I think.

[GothDetective]

Cab you talk to your HV about your friend's situation and see what they suggest. Your friend is suffering domestic abuse and needs help.

[Orangesarenottheonlyfruit]

This sounds beyond horrendous. This sounds more serious than a mums group could deal with. A second vote for Women's Aid.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Oh my god EM that's one of the worst things I have ever heard. If she's being abused and forced to have kids etc etc, surely the police/social services would be the best people to talk to? Think of the atmosphere that baby will be born into. She doesn't sound like she's in a fit state to talk to women's aid herself. Not sure if it's ok to call WA on someone else's behalf? Poor girl.

[ErikaMaye]

I know its terrible, and I think she knows its not okay. But she insists that he loves her. We can't keep telling her to leave for fear of her not telling us if something seriously bad happens. Her younger brother is looking to move out so she can go back home, but there's no guarantee she would stay. She needs to get the hell out of there but she won't I'm trying to do all I can - I bought her a few clothes last week (When I saw her - she'd been "allowed" out as she was going for lunch with her mum, but got three texts asking when she would be home) as she was wearing a light cotton mini dress with thin trainers and jacket. No tights or leggings. She's coming here tomorrow to raid my pre-pregnancy clothes as she's much slimmer than me. Again, she's "allowed" as her mum is picking her up, and my DS allows her to practice...

I really don't know what more I can do. These classes are the only other thing I can think of in the hope she'll realise its not okay.

[ErikaMaye]

Sorry - meant to say that she is now registered as living with him which is covered by a different council to me, so the HV can do nothing, though I did ask her. She says she's happy about the pregnancy, but admitted she had considered termination because she doesn't think its safe for a baby there, though she decided she wanted to keep the baby.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Sounds like her P thinks her mother is "safe" i.e. will return her back to him. Have you talked to her mum? What does she think? I would be surprised if her P wasn't hurting her or at least threatening to - she sounds terrified. Have you asked her about that?

She sounds very young for her age, esp the "but he loves me" thing. You sound like a great friend btw Erika.

Maybe repost on relationships topic as there are lots of regulars over there who will have better advice.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Meanwhile have a look at Women's Aid - there's a search for local services that you or she could maybe contact.

[ErikaMaye]

I think he knows she'll get back there one way or another - her mum refused to take her back on time after she'd picked her up in tears, and she walked it. Its a good hour and a half walk. Her mum is terrified, but as I said above, none of us can really turn round and say all of this to her, in case she closes off to us. I don't know if he's hurting her physically, but he's certainly affecting her mentally, even if she doesn't realise. I know his younger brother is due in court soon for several charges of violent crimes, and regularly hits her P and their mother, and has pushed her up the stairs on one instance, under the influence of drink and drugs

I may well post in in relationships - do you think maybe I should show it to her? Or would that be totally contradicting my cautious approach?

[lisad123wantsherquoteinDM]

who is running the group?? I run a teenage mum/bumps group once a week, and we have a limit of 21yeasr BUT if a slightly older mum or some of our girls who have been coming for ages want to come, I really dont mind. Can you speak to whoever is running the group about it, and im sure they will make a change for you HTH

[DorotheaPlenticlew]

Jeez, this sounds bad. I'd be really concerned about a baby being born into that situation too.

I think it's a really good idea to get her involved w the group if you can it sounds like anything that gets her out of the house is a good idea but agree that more needs to be done as well. Hopefully relationships thread people will have practical suggestions. I don't know about showing it to her; I guess it really depends on her state of mind, and that's hard to judge without knowing her.

Anyway. You're being a really good friend to her. Watch out for yourself too, though; I mean, emotionally, energy-wise, etc. Anyone who has a baby the age of your DS is bound to be pushing herself hard already just to get through the day & stay awake (or maybe that's just how I'd be ... ) Taking on the anxiety and worry of her situation too is very selfless of you, but I do hope you're not alone in making this effort to help her.

[ErikaMaye]

Thanks for an insiders view, lisa, I might ask them next time I go (didn't make it yesterday). Dorothea - nope not just you! Thanks for your concern.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Will see how it goes today so I have an updated situation then post in relationship I think.

[ReneRusso]

This is domestic abuse. The ante natal classes are a good idea, but I would be thinking about more drastic action than this. Sounds like your friend might be described as a vulnerable adult, given her immaturity, so police might be interested. And I would definitely call Womens Aid.

[DorotheaPlenticlew]

yy police even if you just ring them for advice in the first instance they could perhaps let you know under what circs they would be able to help her, & demystify the issue of how they specifically would regard the situation now if they were called, as well as if it were to escalate.

I realize it may seem OTT to ring them but I'd say it's prob worth a shot to at least ascertain what sort of line they take on it, because people seem to report widely differing attitudes from their local police depending on where they are living. Maybe if you do find that they are listening and seem helpful, you could get a name of someone for future ref.