1 dd, 3 ds, dd given obvious, blatant favourable treatment over the ds, I'm finding v. upsetting, how do I handle it?

[ErnestTheBavarian]

I have 3 sons, who I love sooooooo much, of course,

I then, 4 years later got pg, and really hoped it would be another boy, partly because of other people. It was a girl.

Obviously we love our dd very much, but I really hate the reactions we get

• you kept trying till you got your girl
• you won't want any more now you finally have a dd
• 3 boys OMG poor you - thank God you finally got your girl

etc etc et . Usually said in front of my dss

Now, this Christmas has been awful, so many people have given dd presents and nothing at all to ds, or for example, gp sent a Christmas card - to our Grandchildren - to the boys, and then a separate one specifically to their grand daughter.

They also sent her a present but the boys nothing.

You know, I would be fine for all of them to get nothing, or the same, but I hate her being singled out.

Firstly I feel bad for them, luckily, the boys haven't really registered the presents, but I also feel angry that for 10 years my boys weren't good enough and now finally a little girl has come along, and she is considered and treated so much better.

I said last year that I didn't like ds getting one card and then one for dd, fgs 1 card is enough, but they still did it this year.

Even fil neighbour down the road, who we see maybe 1 a year for 10 minutes hand knitted dd a beautiful cream hooded cardigan, which must've taken her ages and it is lovely. But nothing at all for dss. I really don't want to be ungrateful and I don't want them to think I'm demanding more stuff for dss, but I find this inequality very upsetting. I feel very sensitive about my dss being considered inferior to dd, or in some way a diasppointment

Are they maybe just treating her differently because she might be the last? FWIW I have 2 younger sisters and a younger brother. My mum and dad had him to try for a son. He was given lots of toys and presents the first couple of years over us because our house was overrun with pink girly stuff and although he really didn't need the action men or scalextric for his first birthday it was nice to balance it out. We didn't really notice as kids.

How old are your children?

I agree that isnt nice for your ds's and I understand totally why it upsets and annoys you

I would find a way of politely but firmly telling the grandparents that it isnt on and why

For other people (like the cardigan neighbour) I would have some reserve presents handily wrapped and hidden away - to magically produce in times of need
Obviously that isnt ideal but it is a possible solution

I find it weird why people imagine that anyone would 'keep on trying' to have a baby 'until they get a girl/boy' I have a boy and girl - but had I had two boys or two girls that would have been fine too!

the boys are 10, 9 (birthday yesterday ) and 6, she is 18 months. I get so many comments still about her being the only girl, and thank goodness etc, and how thrilled I must be she finally came along, and now this Christmas, it wasn't just 1 or 2 little things, but several people making big gestures like the hand knitted things, I just find it bizarre, hurtful and tbh ignorant. I really wouldn't dream if doing it, and it feels like a real rejection of my sons.

I don't know if it is something I just have to accept, because I do not know how to say to people without seeming rude. eg the nieghbour who knitted the gansey, I may be will see her at easter. so do I say thank you for the pressie for dd, but I'd prefer you not to do it? Thjat sounds really horrible, I can't ay get something for my sons, but equally sounds bad to say I'd rather she didn't get something for dd.

I bloody would!

"thanks for the present for my daughter, but I think, in the interests of fairness, it would be better if you didn't get her anything either. I know you love them equally (passive aggressive alert ) but children don't always understand that, if they feel they are treated differently. I know you understand."

Must be very upsetting. Always hated being bracketed with my sister as 'the girls' by my father's family. Got the impression my Gran favoured my male cousins (and their father was always her favourite, too).

Make sure dd never feels you are over-compensating for others' attitudes to the boys and leaving her less of your affection btw.

But I'd forgive the neighbour, they went to a lot of trouble and presumably it was because your dd is still little - they were doing it for 'the baby' or 'the toddler'. Older boys wouldn't want hand-knitted clothes anyway!

maybe it's the 'baby' thing in some cases. Last year neighbour knitted all the boys a jumper too and ds1 loved his, called it his Dr Who jumper and wore it to death. bloody lot of work to knit jumpers/cardis for 4, esp when they're just the grandkids of a neighbour a few doors up that you see once a year!

oyu're right about the over compensating thing edam

How about, when someone next comments on how glad you must be to have finally got a girl, you just fix them with a puzzled stare and say "Why?"

FWIW, I know of someone who has the exact same opposite issue, 3 girls and then a boy!

So people, even family, give holiday presents to your daughter and not your sons? That's terrible.

I'd do what Heqet said...call them out on it and say that you can't possibly allow your daughter to accept a gift that would make her brothers feel so slighted.

Some people are idiots.

I'm pregnant with no 4 and find out the sex this week, am secretly hoping for another girl as I cannot cope with all the "trying for a boy" "your poor DH" " once you get your boy that will be you finished" as if the other 3 were booby prizes especially DD2 and 3.

I wouldn't accept a gift for one and not the others TBH and tell the giver why.

I get annoyed that DD1 got loads of presents and then the same people did even send a card or acknowledge that DD2 or 3 had been born

sweetkitty, I don't know how I would react if someone directly gave me a gift for just 1 of my kids. Problem is, we live a long way away and don't see these people often, so this Christmas, fil visited, and I only found out on Christmas morning when the gifts were given out and dd was given several more than dss, oh, that's from so and so etc etc.

As I haven't seen these people, I haven't had the opportunity to respong, just not sure how I handle it to avoid similar, or just put up with it, which is what dh says?

I only have 2 dcs, but this has been something of a problem for us too. dd(now 5) is blonde with enormous blue eyes and she can at times look truely beautiful. Complete strangers come up to us and give her things. Friends and relatives coo over her and say "Ooh isn't she lovely".

Problem is ds is stood there an no one is cooing over him. I do wish people would think a little more about how siblings feel in the face of such unrestrained and one directional admiration

Perhaps some of them are thinking that you must need girls toys and clothes because you've only got boys, and aren't seeing the unfairness. I think Heqet and AmericanHag are right that you should try to find some tactful way of explaining this to people.

Ernest - do you do thank you notes, maybe a nice note saying thank you for X, Y and Z but maybe in the future it would be better if you gave all the children the same amount of gifts as you don't want DD to become spoiled as an only girl or your DSs to feel left out. Better worded than that but you get the meaning.

Could you suggest that getting individual presents means that there's too much stuff, and that you'd rather they got one shared present? Then suggest something.

On the other hand, life isn't always fair. People do react differently to boys than they do girls; just as people react differently to each individual.

I have two cousins - sisters. The younger sister had a godmother who was working ft, single and had no kids. This godmother got the younger sister - her godchild - truly fantastic presents at Xmas and birthday; really good stuff, from exclusive shops that most of us had never even heard of. Not one gift went to the god-daughter as her mum said the godmother had to give one to each sister, or it wasn't fair.

Even I, who benefitted directly from this (all the presents were given to me instead!), could see how atrociously unfair this was.

Some kids get presents from some people, some don't. Some kids have more friends and give and receive more.

You can't make everything equal for all of them really. You can make sure that all your children know you love them and care for them equally, as you do. If you don't make a big deal out of it, the boys may not think anything of it.

Or you could hide some of the presents and just introduce them quietly over the next few months.

OP, re the neighbour knitting a cardigan for DD - my mum used to love to knit, but only knitted baby clothes, never children/adult sizes. And she'd often knit with no specific child in mind, it would just be she'd seen a pattern in a magazine that she liked and wanted to make. Then someone would mention a baby to her and the matinee jacket/hat/bootees/complete outfit would find it's way to said baby. Perhaps this may have been the case here?

at GP sending present to one GC but not the siblings though. WTF?

I've knitted several things for my neice, and made her a Cloth Kits dress, just because I like making girls things and don't have any of my own. Also, she's still little and I only have the attention span to make small things

I knitted my nephew a top when he was born but that's been all.

I've never thought about it being unfair on my nephew - he's almost four and couldn't care less about clothes.

The presents from family (oops , but to be fair I would never give my neice something fun and not my nephew) is completely unacceptable.

I think that's really peculiar and would tell them so.

to the next person who comments in front of your sons how glad you must be to finally have a girl i would beam at them in a scarily cheery fashion and say "yes isnt she soooo lucky to have THREE big brothers!"

Argh! This is my life and she isn't even born yet. We have three boys - 9, 7 and 2 and the comments are fairly constant: you must be so pleased, you can stop trying now, you've got your girl at last ... and that was despite telling people in advance that we were actually hoping for a boy to avoid all of this nonsense. It's very hard to get over to people that we are delighted she is a girl but not any more delighted than if she had been a boy: there's a baby there and that's what counts.

i really feel for you, it must be SO annoying. My ex MIL had three boys then a girl, and I used ot gte sick of hearing her saying it about her only children 'oh, you can imagine, a GIRL! FInally, after three boys' Gah! I was so pleased her 'daughter' turned out to be a real tomboy and has never worn a dress since she was able to chose.

My friend's MIL used to always favour her daughter over her son. Friend subtly mentione dit a few times, but to no avail. Until at Christmas, she bought the daughter (who was too young to play with it or understand!) a beautiful and very, very expensive traditional dolls house and her son a baseball cap!!! My friend was furious and threw the dolls house out the french doors onto the patio where it smashed, and then ranted at MIL. Daughter was too young to know what was going on, so not upset, and her MIL always bought equally from then on...