help! 15yr old drinking

[MilkTrayGirl]

Hello,
I'm having a crisis with my 15yr old daughter and would appreciate other parents' opinions on how to handle it please! (apologies for long post)
My daughter used to self harm and I know a lot of people may not agree, but I occasionally check her computer (facebook etc) without her knowing, so that we can keep tabs on her real mood. She is quite good at putting on an "I'm ok" front and we felt we needed to know if it started again (rather than finding out when it's got bad enough she can't hide the signs). Her best friend in particular she always used to tell when she felt like cutting herself and her friend was (from what I've read) very supportive.

A while ago we moved away to a new town and she has occasionally got the train to go and stay back with this friend. According to recent facebook comments and chats the last weekend they had a sleepover in the summerhouse.. a "girly sleepover" we were told but seeing the video and pictures, there was a party, boys and beer/cider.. my daughter appeared to be slurring and wobbly on her feet. The boys slept over in the same room and they essentially paired up into corners. I looked further into her chats and there's quite a few references to "oh you're going to stay with so-and-so, guess you'll get very drunk then" and references to her being hungover a few times particularly on the train coming back the last time.

I don't want my daughter to find out that I'm snooping, and I do intend to keep an eye on what's going on in the future, because I'm worried she's going to be putting herself in danger. Obviously I don't want her sleeping over with boys and alcohol apparently unsupervised in what had the appearance of a frat party. We had previously trusted the parents of this girl she stays with, but having spoken to them on the phone about my concerns over that weekend it's obvious that there is a massive difference between what we think is appropriate for a 15yr old! The mum who I've always considered sensible and responsible actually said "well they'd only be down the park doing it anyway at least we know where they are"!! It became apparent from the conversation that her daughter is being given a free rein with boys, sleepovers, parties and alcohol and while I kept calm and polite I did make it crystal clear that I am not happy with my daughter having alcohol, unsupervised, while she's supposed to be in their care. I mean really - when you put together older boys (17 and 18), 15 year old girls, crates of beer, a summerhouse and mattresses on the floor how can you not see that's a recipe for disaster??? As you might tell I'm fuming over this! In every other way my daughter is a good kid (messiness and occasional rudeness excepted!) very hard-working at school, and in the past we've made it very clear to her that we're happy to discuss parties and alcohol in a sensible way as she gets older but that the main problem to us would be dishonesty and her going behind our backs. Maybe three times in the last few months she has asked to have a beer or try some wine when we've had some with dinner and we've let her have one it's left half-finished. Yet she seems from what I've read to see going to this friend's house as "time to get drunk".

We don't want to overreact and force this problem underground but obviously we need to do something to change the situation. Any thoughts gratefully received.

thanks very much

Milktraygirl

[threetimemummy]

Will come back later and post more, short of time atm but my first thought is that is you come down like a load of brick, it is just going to make her more sly etc.

The only way she will change is if she thinks it is her idea. So educate her. Dont make a big deal about it, maybe leave a whole load of literature around about the effects of binge drinking - the ones with the really graphic photos. Mae sure her self esteem is good enough to enable her to sand up to her peers, a it my be also a case of going along to be one of the gang". Often teens with low self esteem will ct out the most as this gets them the most kudos.

Sorry about the bad typing, gotta go but will check in later.