Pre-school personality clash

[YeahBut]

Hi could use your advice, wise mumsnetters.
Was stopped outside my ds's nursery by the mum of another little boy in his class. Apparently her son woke up in the night last night and it is my son's fault for picking on him three times.
They are 3 years old and have been in nursery for 4 weeks. Yesterday was the first day they were full-time. She told me that a couple of weeks ago she saw my son push her little boy when they were both trying to get into the playhouse. Last week my son threw sand at her little boy when they were playing at the sand pit and yesterday my son apparently poked him in the chest with a toy rake in the garden corner.
She wants me to talk to ds to find out if he has a problem with her son. I suggested that it might be an idea to talk to the nursery staff to get a better idea of what's going on. Apparently she did go in to complain(!) about the sand incident and was told that there were 4 boys at the sand tray and they were all throwing the sand.
The rake incident was yesterday and he woke up in the night telling his mum he was afraid of my ds. Don't get me wrong - I would be horrified if I thought that my ds was a wee thug picking on other children but he's 3 years old and way littler than this other boy. I've also not had any comments from the nursery staff regarding his behaviour which I would expect if there was a big problem. There are 2 teachers for a class of 13 children so I think that if there was a serious behavioural issue, they would have picked up on it.
My gut feel is that my son (neglected third born!) is behaving like a 3 year old who has been to playgroup since he was 2. This other little lad is a PFB who hasn't been to any kind of pre-school or nursery before.
So, today after school this mum wants us both to stay behind to talk to the teachers about what we can do about my son's behaviour. A bit of me understands where she is coming from, but most of me thinks that she is being way OTT and is actually in danger of creating a problem between the two boys that isn't really there.
What would you do?

[YeahBut]

By the way, I do fully intend to talk to my son in general terms about playing nicely and being kind to all the children in the class.

[Weegle]

I don't think she's handling it very well, and I would be speaking to the preschool about that. I would make it clear that you will support the PRESCHOOL in whatever they feel necessary to settle both boys but that as they are the ones responsible for the children during their time there THEY need to address this and you don't feel comfortable with it being taken 'to the school gates'. I'm surprised the preschool are happy to discuss this with you both there. Have you spoken to the preschool? What have they said to you?

As an aside - just because the other boy is bigger than yours doesn't mean he's not being 'picked on', or that just because your boy is smaller he's not doing these things. DS is a VERY tall 3 year old, by far the tallest I've ever met, yet he is an incredibly shy and sensitive boy and I have watched as far smaller 3 year olds jostle and push him (his cousins included!)... so please don't use that argument - size has got nothing to do with it.

[savoycabbage]

If I was you, I would make my own appointment to talk to the staff to see if you can find ut what has happened. Also, you could ask her if it would help if your boys spent some time together out of nursery, with you both, to see if they can get on with each other.

[YeahBut]

Had a quick telephone chat with the nursery teacher who has seen no evidence whatsoever of any problems with my son's behaviour in general or with regards to this little boy in particular. She's happy to chat with us all later but I think would rather this mum had spoken to her first rather than wait for me at the gate. Am feeling a bit more relieved!