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Would you tell 10 year old DD that you MIGHT be relocating?

10 replies

MamaGottaMakeADecision · 21/08/2009 09:36

When DD was 5 we moved from A (big city) to B (big rural village). She's 10 now, about to start the last year of primary school and we're considering moving abck to A! Well, near A but not quite A iykwim.

Reasons for moving:

  • will be much nearer to family, at the mo we are 1.5 hours drive away

  • more opportunity for dh to expand his own business

  • more opportunity for employment for me when I return to work when baby is older (want to retrain while he's little and at home with me), at the moment we're miles from anywhere so even if i do retrain, the chances of finding a job are slim up here.

  • more opportunity for the DC when they've left school (nearest uni is over 50 miles away but at A, there's a choice of unis and colleges within commutable distance)

I'm 90% sure that I want to go to A, as is DH but I'm worried about DD. We've already moved her once [guilt]. I'm sure she'd settle well, she's a very sociable, confident girl. I'm also anxious about DS1 but at 5, I think he'll be more adaptable.

Do you think that, at10, DD has a right to know now so we can talk it over with her, or do you just think we'll cause her to fret unecessarily?
OP posts:
MamaGottaMakeADecision · 21/08/2009 09:49

Just to add, we've told her that we might be moving house, jsut not where

OP posts:
Maveta · 21/08/2009 10:01

I wouldn't tell her until you have made up your minds or she may just worry about it. Also are you really going to give her a significant vote in the decision? If not then it's pointless bringing her into the discussion at this stage, she might feel like you asked her but it's irrelevant what she thinks anyway. And would you really change your minds if she said she didn't want to go?

My parents moved us around a lot prior to age 11 and although my older sister was slightly more unsettled (she was 14 when we stopped moving) we both got on with it. My younger sister was 4 so completely unfazed. I don't remember even being told much in advance and certainly not before it was a done deal as my parents had to make those decisions for us (as parents do) and our opinion wouldn't have made any difference.

Danceaway · 21/08/2009 10:06

Yup we moved a lot as well and the last time age 12 I was told, we will be moving but Don't Tell Anyone - still not sure why - moving country so a big deal - and it was v hard to know in advance, and unsettling but as Maveta says you do get on with it thru no choice and was fine.
Make the decision on your own, and be honest with yourself, her views are unlikely to swing it either way so don't confuse her just tell her once you've made up your mind. She's unlikely to say great let's do it... and if she says, no please let's stay put, you'll just feel guilty about moving, for which it sounds like you have solid reasons and would prefer. She'll be fine!

Danceaway · 21/08/2009 10:07

Could always bribe her with a pet or sthg. Kids very open to bartering IME.

edam · 21/08/2009 10:11

Don't tell her until you've decided and actually sorted out somewhere to live. Unfair to worry her before it's actually happening - it's not something she can influence or do anything about so what's the point? Once you've made a decision she needs to know.

Btw, would it make sense to move just before she starts secondary - so she finishes primary with all her friends and starts at a new school where everyone else is new, too?

We moved house a lot when I was little for my parents' jobs - was easier at primary than secondary, I HATED moving secondary schools.

edam · 21/08/2009 10:12

(I mean moving between secondary schools - would have been OK to move as everyone else started in Year whatever it is these days - Y7?)

plonker · 21/08/2009 10:17

I wouldn't say anything until you're absolutely certain that you're going.

I understand you're dilemma, but IMO some decisions are adult decisions and really she hasn't got a say in it. I'm sure that whatever you decide you will have her best interests at heart and at 10, although she might not like that, she will understand that.

She'll be fine, children adapt well

MamaGottaMakeADecision · 21/08/2009 10:17

I'm glad that you seem to agree with my view - DH was all for telling her but I thought it would just unsettle her.

Yes, I definitely don't want to move her once she's at secondary school, its imperative that we move this year. I did consider waiting so she could have her last year at this primary school, but the primary school she WOULD go to is quite small, only about 125 pupils, and I thought that it might make secondary school less scary if she at least knows some kids.

OP posts:
plonker · 21/08/2009 10:19

ahem, your dilemma

MiniMilk0610 · 22/08/2009 20:03

My parents moved me when I was 10 to completely different place (so I had last year of primary in new place, then secondary). To start with we looked at houses in the area we lived in at the time, but then I remember one car trip I overheard them talking about possibly moving to place B. I was devastated, resented my dad esp for years as move was partly related to job.

So guess what I'm saying is make sure that when she does find out she finds out from you telling her directly, not from her overhearing conversation etc. Having said that, I do agree that if her opinion isn't going to affect your decision then there's not a lot of point in telling her until you have made up your minds.

Your move does sound like its better direction tho iyswim - my parents moved me from big town where I had loads of friends etc, to tiny country village where I was very much the "new girl" so made it even harder to settle in.

Hope that helps a bit, know my post is probably coloured a lot by personal experience, but having said that I am now a balanced (I think!) adult who gets on with both parents (since leaving home anyway) and looking back can understand why we moved, just think they handled it wrong way by talking about it in car journey when they thought we were all asleep...from then on my back was up coz I saw it as them keeping things from me!

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