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Original poster

if someone blatantly invited one of their friends to your wedding ceremony...

23 replies

gudyjarland · 21/07/2009 15:52

The someone being my MIL to be who is quite a lovely lady apart from the fact that she has arrived three days before the wedding with lots of new ideas for what we could do!

We asked if she would like a friend to come to the evening do, she said yes, we sent an invite to her and her husband, it didn't get there. Last night my MIL (who is over to stay for the wedding - she lives abroad) asked me for an invite so she could call her friend and let her know the time and venue. As she made the call and looked at the invite she said 'oh, no - this is the wrong one' and then left a message saying 'the ceremony is at 2pm....etc'

I was and said nothing because I am an idiot!

Thing is I did send another invite yesterday (to the right address this time) but only for the evening so I know this woman is going to get conflicting messages. I Don't want to can't get the invite back, it's gone - and the wedding is on Friday.

I have asked my OH to check with his mum if this person knows that after the ceremony they will have to go home or keep themselves busy somewhere until 7 as they are not invited to the meal. There are actually several people who are not invited to the meal but are coming to the ceremony. I am not sure if this woman is clear on that.

Part of me wants to just ignore the whole thing and there's a big chance my OH will forget to ask his mum seeing as he's forgotten to talk to the DJ and has forgotten to help me do the gifts we are giving to people, among other things! I'm thinking that if this woman (who I have never met) toddles along to the wedding meal then it would be quite amusing for me to see her sat there without any food, no place at the table and no nameplate.

what do you think?

OP posts:

llareggub · 21/07/2009 15:58

Could it be a generational thing rather than an interfering MIL thing? Often older people want to see the ceremony and the bride arriving even if they aren't part of the wedding. Maybe she just wants to see you get married and asked for details?

Relax aand enjoy the day.

HerBeatitude · 21/07/2009 16:13

Is it in church? If so it is open to anyone anyway. A marriage service in a church is a public function to which anyone can go.

I wouldn't worried about it - let OH deal iwth it, it's his mum and her friend, she'll have to make sure her DF knows the score re ceremony vs. meal vs. evening.

Relax. Enjoy your wedding. Congratulations!

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 21/07/2009 16:15

Amusing to see someone sat with no food at a meal she hasn't been invited too through no fault of her own?

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Weddings

Original poster

gudyjarland · 21/07/2009 16:18

I don't think it's a wanting to see us get married thing, she definitely wanted to come to the wedding. My understanding was that she wanted to come to the evening so I am just a bit confused about why my MIL would have said the invite I gave her was the 'wrong one'.

HerBeatitude - it's not a church it's register office with a limit on the amount of people allowed in the ceremony. We had hit our limit, luckily the venue has changed and so they are allowing 5 more. Sadly I have invited 5 more of my friends to come so this could also be a seating issue.

in every conversation I had about this it was made clear it was evening only.

OP posts:

Original poster

gudyjarland · 21/07/2009 16:22

sorry - amusing is the wrong word I can see how it comes over wrong. I am just fed up.

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 21/07/2009 16:24

I sympathise.

So many things went wrong at our wedding but 10 years on it doesn't matter as much.

Make sure your future DH explains things to your future MIL as it wouldn't be fair for this lady to be embarrassed.

If she has now got the correct invite, why not give her a call yourself and say your future MIL got things wrong and the evening invite is the one she should follow.

Original poster

gudyjarland · 21/07/2009 16:26

I don't know her number. perhaps I will ask my MIL for it?

I think I need to learn how to say no.

OP posts:

OhBling · 21/07/2009 16:28

Why would you invite a friend for your MIL and then not let the friend stay for the meal? What's the point of your MIL having a friend to be there for her if you're not inviting her to the meal - the hardest part to be alone?

louii · 21/07/2009 16:31

Bridezilla!

Original poster

gudyjarland · 21/07/2009 16:38

OhBling, As I said in my OP I aid I would invite her to the evening do. I asked my MIL if she wanted a friend(s) at the evening do. She said yes. I sent an evening do invite. it didn't get there. MIL called friend and invited her to Ceremony three days before the wedding. We can't change the meals now. The wedding is on Friday. All the conversations we had about this were about her friend(s) coming to the evening do, not her friends coming to the ceremony. i haven't actually invited her friend to the ceremony at any time.

If this makes me Bridezilla then

I am fine with her and her husband coming to the evening do, I suggested it. I am a but about the fact that MIL then invited them to the ceremony where there are limited numbers and didn't discuss it with me before doing so.

OP posts:

HerBeatitude · 21/07/2009 16:42

I don't think it makes you a bridezilla to be a bit miffed by this.

If the MIL had wanted her at the ceremony, she should have said so ages ago and then you could negotiate. To drop it on you like this is out of order. (She could be being oldwomanish and pretending not to understand re evening meal vs ceremony etc. - it's a game my elderly relatives all play superlatively successfully.)

Buda · 21/07/2009 16:42

You need to get your DH-to-be to speak to MIL. Otherwise it will fester for ages.

Or - if you are brave - just say to MIL "X and X are coming along to the evening do aren't they?" and see what she says. If she says that they are coming for the whole thing you can then say sorry but we hadn't planned on that and there is no space in the registry office and we haven't catered for meals for them and we have already given final numbers to the hotel.

Fimbo · 21/07/2009 16:43

The whole thing sounds bonkers tbh. You need to go and have a chat with your mil.

bigchris · 21/07/2009 16:45

why didnt it get there? i think the friend and mil just assume she isnt invited at all and she will just go to the ceremony
i feel sorry for her, imagine expecting an invite to something and not getting one

Original poster

gudyjarland · 21/07/2009 17:15

why didn't it get there? the post man failed to deliver it?

She is invited most definitely to the Evening do. I think it's odd that someone who assumes she isn't invited would 'just go to the ceremony' ... but that's not really the issue. She knows she is invited as MIL has spoken to her last week and yesterday.

The worrying thing is that this woman thinks she is invited to the ceremony when she isn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

gudyjarland · 21/07/2009 17:15

she was never invited to the ceremony.

OP posts:

Fimbo · 21/07/2009 17:41

Where is your mil now?

You must speak to her asap and tell her that the woman and her husband are not included in the meal numbers and you cannot change that 3 days before.

Surely she can go to the ceremony though? (or stand outside)

Devendra · 22/07/2009 07:28

FGS just get in touch with MIL and tell her the invite was for the evening only and she needs to tell her friend that. Its a simple communication problem that has a simple solution. I really dont see where the problem lies.

CreativeZen · 22/07/2009 07:51

Just say to MIL that you heard her speaking to her friend and you are concerned that she may have misunderstood. State clearly that friend is invited to the evening do only and that, if she turns up at 2pm (as MIL said), she will have to stand outside the register office and won't be able to come for the meal as she wasn't invited to that.

IsItMeOr · 22/07/2009 08:02

MIL has either got the wrong end of the stick and made a mistake, or she is deliberately trying to get what she wanted all along by ignoring you.

Either way, sounds as if her friend will be very embarrassed and you could have a scene if you don't get DH-to-be to sort this out with his mum. If it's a mistake, MIL will be relieved to get it sorted. If it's deliberate, she'll probably be a cow about it, but if it wasn't this it would be something else, so best to just bite the bullet.

Let us know what happens!

MadameCastafiore · 22/07/2009 08:07

FFS ask your MIL yourself, make sure she is aware that the other couple will not have a meal because believe me yu will not be able to ignore 2 embarrassed people sitting there with no food infront of them - well you maybe but someone with decent manners and a conscience won't!

mrsrawlinson · 22/07/2009 08:24

MILs have a habit of doing this. Mine did. Either it's a genuine misunderstanding, in which case she'll be mortified and want to sort it out, or it's a deliberate attempt to walk all over you, in which case you need yo put your foot down now. Believe me, it will only get worse in the long run if you don't. []

Have a wonderful day on Friday.

MrsTittleMouse · 22/07/2009 08:36

I think that this could well be a genuine misunderstanding, rather than a MIL-from-Hell. DH and I were the first couple in my Mum's group of friends to have a civil ceremony. In fact, I think that we're still the only couple not to marry in church. It's a bit of a tradition that if they're not invited to the reception that they will all turn up at the church to see the ceremony and the bride in her dress and throw some confetti. It is then fodder for lots of gossip after the wedding where they all tell the mother of the bride how beautiful her daughter looked etc. etc. They then go home. I was a bit embarrassed as we had very limited numbers, and some of Mum's friends turned up to see me arrive, even though we couldn't invite them in, due to the space issue. They didn't seem to mind though, so I assume that my Mum explained the situation.

I agree with lots of people here that someone (preferably your DP) needs to talk to MIL and explain the space issues so that she can warn her friend in advance and avoid any embarrassment on the day.

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