Talk to friend about her ds behaviour with my dd or not?

[lilymolly]

DD and friends ds (3.6) both attend nursery/preschool together 5 afternoons a week

although they play clearly like each other, they do bicker on, and more often than not, her ds either hits, or pushes dd or has even tried to bite her.
Whilst on play dates, I watch them very closely so prevent any dischord and arguments.

However, I have been informed twice this week by the nursery staff that her ds has hit my dd on the head with a toy and left a bruise. (they did not name names, but dd told me who it was)

I know that friend has already been spoken to about her ds behaviour as she told me, and nursery school assured me today that the childs parents will be spoken too tommorrow and it will be dealt with, as it is unacceptable behaviour.

The thing is, I am very very good friends with the mother involved, and I am not sure wether to speak to her about it.
She has freely admitted that her ds is badly behaved, and thinks she is dealing with it adequatley, however it is obviously to me that (in my opnion) she is not strict, does not follow through threats, and really is quite weak on her boundries. To be honest he gets away with murder.

The really awful thing is that several mothers at the school gate, are now discussing her child, as their children are also getting hit, bitten etc by this boy, ands it really very sad, as he is being given a label as the naughty child, and he is only 3.5

I feel really stuck in middle, and really do not want to fall out with her.

Nursey have reassured me today that my dd is not affected by this, and is very secure and happy at nursery, but its not nice to go to a place where you should be safe, and to come home with 2 bruises on your head, and I dont want her to be afraid of this boy.

Should I just keep quiet, or talk to her about it.

If its happening at nursery then they should be dealing with it, what can the mum do when she isnt there? naughty is a ridiculous label at that age, he may need more attention, more stimulation, who knows? But if he is constantly injuring other children nursery shoud be doing more about it. Suggest to them they shadow him, that way they can intervene before anything happens. I would not talk to the mum

thanks for your opinion.

If its not naughty then what is it?, none of the other children do it, and he has not been diagnosed as having any special needs.

The one to one shadowing happened today, but surely they can not do this all of the time at nusery school?

Of course they can. Its not like he is going off on his own anywhere, shadowing just means they follow him round so if he is sat at a table with 4 other children the adult interacts with them all, they are just close to him and keeping an eye on him. Its not one to one attention all the time, he just doesnt go somewhere without an adult. The ratios should easily cope with one adult doing that job.

It is unacceptable but it is not particularly abnormal behaviour, the reason for it could be anything. As I said he could just be bored, he could have something going on at home, he could just be going through a phase. Dont be too sure the other children wont ever do it, that kind of thinking comes back to bite you on the bum! 3 is very young. I understand why you are angry but it is up to nursery to solve this. Going to a parent because your children have had a spat is usually a bad idea.

yeah your prob right! I also have a little ds too who is ony a few months old, and yes it could be him in a few years time couldnt it?

I will leave it in the hands of the nursery I think, and not say anything to the mother.

The thing is at this age children have gone from parallel play and looking on play (where they play similar things alongside each other but not together /watching other children play but not joining in) to co-operative play whereby they have to accomodate another childs needs.

This advance in play can be very difficult if a child is socially immature in that he is unable to understand his own feelings and relay them through play,this then can become aggressive and really staff should be looking at these situations and guiding children to play 'nicely' by niceley I dont mean cute and softly but by encouraging sharing and turntaking the childs social immaturity can quickly catch up.

I dont think approaching the mum is a good thing I think that you should ask the staff for extra support and encourage your dd to make other friends.