Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

when stuuck between friends????

23 replies

endless · 08/05/2009 12:27

Really great pals who have been together for ever.
She has found text messages on his phone, he has been evasive with his phone lately.

From an individual who is much younger than him.
He says he has done nothing wrong.
But has met up with this individual a few times for coffee.

Friend is devastated.
He is devastated.
Both are on the phone to me upset for support and comfort.
Am stuck and dont know what to do.
Cant stop thinking about it
What would you do?

OP posts:
MsMargotBeauregarde · 08/05/2009 12:30

He shouldn't be ringing you really. I mean I hear you that they're mutual friends. But does a man usually turn to one of his wife's friends (albeit mutual) when he's either caught or suspected of cheating ??

It seems to me like he's trying to use you to present his case to his wife.

I'd support the wife. Dodge his calls for now. You don't know if he's guilty or not, but SHE's the one who's upset. He's either guilty or he's indignant. Either way, I don't think indignances needs quite as comforting a shoulder to cry on.

jmo

Overmydeadbody · 08/05/2009 12:34

Well, if you trust that he hasn't done anything wrong and is not cheating on her, then I would tell her that, and reassure them both.

I would also let both of them know that, as their friend, you are there for them but don't want to be drawn into it, they need to sort it out between themselves.

Overmydeadbody · 08/05/2009 12:35

MsMargot I'd like to think my male friends would be comfortable enough turning to me for support or advice regardless of the fact that I am a female

Original poster
endless · 08/05/2009 12:38

How do i support the wife though, i have no idea what to say or do.
I am gobsmacked by it all and i dont for one moment think that he has done anything at all. I trust him implicitly.

She is haveing a hard time with it all, and isnt sure if she wants him to leave.
Trouble is they have children and she couldnt manage financially if he left.
he is heartbroken by it all.

OP posts:
MsMargotBeauregarde · 08/05/2009 12:42

But it's not straightforward. He must know that his wife is also turning to the SAME person.

He has an agenda. Either he's innocent and should tell his wife HIMSELF, convince her HIMSELF.... or, he's guilty, in which case he should not be depriving his wife of her friend at this time.

Original poster
endless · 08/05/2009 12:53

To be fair he phoned me knowing that she had told me everything to tell me that he wouldnt blame me if i never spoke to him again because of his stupidity.
Also to tell me that absolutely nothing untoward has happened.

he is like a brother to me, we have been close for 30 years or more.

How do i support them, what do i say, what do i do?

OP posts:
Original poster
endless · 08/05/2009 13:00

Please guys i am desperate, any advice would be helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
endless · 08/05/2009 13:04

?

OP posts:
Original poster
endless · 09/05/2009 16:16

wondered if any one can help me with this today please?

OP posts:
daisydora · 09/05/2009 16:21

He needs to explain to his wife why he has felt the need to be in communication with another. Get him to tell her what this other person is giving him that he isn't getting from her.

You need to get her to listen to him at least, only then can she truly tell if she believes him and whether or not she wants to call time on their relationship.

If they have DC's then they owe it to each other to listen and be honest. Could you mediate? Would they want you too? Would you want to?

BCNS · 09/05/2009 16:24

Honestly? I would tell them both.. I'm their friend.. but it is really difficult being stuck in the middle.. neither of them may realise the position they are putting you in.

So I would offer coffees and shopping and time..

Original poster
endless · 09/05/2009 16:25

yes and yes.

both very upset and she is angry at the moment.

so, advised her to take each day as it comes, make sure she eats, and keep things as "normal" as poss for the children. (one child is doing exams at the mo)

think it may be too early days yet to talk about stuff at the moment.

just DO NOT know what to say or do to help them both.

OP posts:
Original poster
endless · 09/05/2009 16:29

BCNS thankyou that is really good advice and i think that the time may come when i have to say this to them. They will not be offended either of them, they will understand.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/05/2009 16:31

Can you sit down with both of them and mediate in some way? I'm sorry, I can't really help very much in this situation.

DH and I were friends with a married couple, and the DH confided in me (and my DH) that he was having an affair. It all went very nasty in the end.

Original poster
endless · 09/05/2009 16:35

Its difficult because they both work long hours and so do i, when we get together the children are there.

I could babysit for them so that they can talk, i could have their children here at my house to give them space to have a right good barney without the kids knowing.

I could offer that couldnt i?

dont know what to say to her, or him.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/05/2009 16:37

Yes, I think offering childcare so they can talk properly is an excellent idea.

specialmagiclady · 09/05/2009 16:37

Great idea - but go to their house, unless the kids regularly come to you.

Original poster
endless · 09/05/2009 16:38

With your friends, what sort of things did you do to support them?

OP posts:
BCNS · 09/05/2009 16:39

that would be a great thing to offer endless.. I'm going through this with friends too.. met them as a couple, friends with both of them etc.. it's really hard.

It's actually really hard to be able to have the converations you need to have sometimes... just because the children are about. space is a good thing.

BCNS · 09/05/2009 16:42

In a really nice way I told both of them it was hard for me to be in the middle.. but that if either of them needed space or coffee ( a cuppa could solve a lot of world issues I think lol).. or a hand with the dc.. I'm there for them.. just don't argue in my house

Original poster
endless · 09/05/2009 16:45

just text them and asked if they want me to have kids tomorrow.

Thats all i can do, offer tea, a pair of listening ears and to have the kids for them.

OP posts:
BCNS · 09/05/2009 16:51

You really can't do much more. although it's really unfair and a horrid situation.. it is their situation, and at the end of the day only they can sort out where to go from here.

so tea and cooffee and help with the dc's practical help at this stage.

Original poster
endless · 09/05/2009 16:55

she has asked me not to tell any one about it all.
havent told anyone, not even dh, keep wanting to cry when i think about the tragedy of it all, but cant. dh will want to know whats wrong.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page