One man called because he had been splashed by a car driving through a puddle. Another complained of too many onions in his takeout food. A woman called, outraged, because her new rabbit did not have the floppy ears promised in a newspaper advertisement. These were among dozens of frivolous calls to the police emergency number, 999, that distracted Central Scotland Police dispatchers from vital duties [reported in the Telegraph]
"i had a guy ring up through careline because he had dropped his TV remote down the back of the sofa - when we refused to go they called the fire brigade!!" [ambulance man]
From across the water:
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I?m wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I?m sick and tired of it.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don?t know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I?ve never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering?..does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I?ve spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and? well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I?m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn?t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma?am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I?m not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What?s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is...
Dispatcher: 9 -1-1
Caller: Yeah, I?m having trouble breathing. I?m all out of breath.
Darn?.I think I?m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I?m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn??
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.