Just a good read really...I've been saving them be warned could be a long one..

IF THE WORLD DIDNT SUCK WE'D ALL FALL OFF......

If there was a snooze button on a cat it would nevershut up.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach that man to use the internet and he won't bother you for weeks.

~!~Two antennas got married, now, the wedding wasn't soo great, but the reception was AWESOME!~!~

Officer, I swear to drunk Im not God!

'She gets her good looks from her dad, hes a plastic surgeon

A Priest, a Rabbai, and a Satanist walk into a bar. The bartender takes a look at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

There is this lonely man sitting in a bar. A lonely lady comes over just to make friendly conversation. She asks 'What are you drinking?' He replies 'Magic Beer' She says "Oh yea... right... What are you drinking?' He replies 'MAGIC BEER' She says 'Okay...Prove it.' He gets up and flies around the building 3 times. She says to him 'I bet you couldn't do that again if your life depended on it.' So he gets up and flies around the building again 3 times. He gets back and the woman asks the bar tender for the same thing he has. She drinks it all then jumps out the window only to fall and break all the bones in her body and die. The bar tender looks over and says '...Superman, you are a real JERK when you're drunk!'

One day there was a married couple driving in a car. After an argument, the lady said 'I want a divorce'. So the man drove 10km's faster. Then the lady said 'I'm taking the TV'. So the man drove 10km's faster. Then the lady said 'I'm taking the car'. So the man drove 10km's faster. Then the lady said 'Why are you driving so fast'. So the man said 'Because I've got the side with the airbag'

A man is driving home after a late night shift. Feeling tired he decides to stop on the side of the road for a power nap.Just as he was about to fall asleep, he was jolted awake by a loud knock on the car door. A jogger is standing outside his window so he winds down the window and says "Can i help you?'. "What time is it?" replies the jogger. "Its 6.00am" answers the man grumpily. Just as he starts to nod-off again, he is woken yet again by a loud rapping on his window. He looks to find another jogger standing outside his car. "What time is it?" askes the jogger. "It's 6.30am" replies the man. Feeling a great desire to not be disturbed, he puts up a sign on the window saying I DON'T HAVE THE TIME. Just as he falls asleep he is woken yet again by another jogger. "WHAT!"he replies, furious. "I'ts 7.00am" confirms the jogger

How do you make holy water?¿?¿ You boil the hell out of it!

There were three little boys who saved George Bush's life one day. George said "oh boys how can I ever repay you?" the first little boy said " I want a gameboy and all the games that come with it" George says " no problem. the next boy says I want a horse and a puppy and a playstation" George says " ok no problem" the last boy says I want a wheel chair with a built in refridgerator, and a built in game." George says " y u aint crippled" the boys says " no but I will be when I tell my daddy that I saved you.

There was a little girl who;s cat just had kittens. she brought the kittens to the park in a big box. A senetor happened to be walking by and asked the little girl what kind of kittens they were. the girl said Republicans. the senetor smiled and went away. The senotors friend comes up and so the senotor says watch this he goes to the little girl what kind of kittens are they? she says Democrates . The senotor said i thought they were Republicans... she replies yea but their eyes finally opened

Once a week, an Irishman goes into the same bar and orders 6 shots of whiskey. He tells the bartender that he and his five brothers live in different places, so once a week they all go and have a drink for each other. One week the Irishman only orders 5 drinks. The bartender can only assume that the Irishman lost one of his brothers, and asks which brother died. He replies "None of them. I quit drinking."

A husband and a wife were driving in the car one day after an argument when they drive past a farm with horses and cows and donkeys and pigs. The husband says to the wife, "relatives of yours?" "Yes," she says "inlaws!"

There were a queue of people at the gates of heaven and St Peter said to them "before you enter heaven I shall all grant you one wish. So he goes down all the queue and all of them wished to be beautiful. when St Peter got to the last person he was laughing! "what do you wish" St Peter said and the man said "I wish they were all ugly again!!!"

So how do you catch a unique rabbit? unique up on him.
How do you catch a tame rabbit? The Tame way. How do you catch a unique polar bear? you cut a whole in the ice and put peas around it and when he comes to take a pea you kick him in the Ice hole.

The Aging Explorer A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one student rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

A string walked into a bar. He sat down and ordered a beer, the bar tender says "Hey, get the hell out! We don't serve strings in this bar!!" So, the string walks out as his other string friend walks in, and he tells him, "dude, dont go in there, they wont serve you!" and the string says, "watch me!" and he ties himself into a knot and ruffles his hair and goes walkin' in and sits down and the bar tender says , "Hey, wern't you the string that was just in here!!" and the string says, "No, I'm a-frayed-knot!"

Men are like a deck of cards: u need a heart to love them a diamond to marry them a club to beat them and a spade to bury the bastards...

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Just a good read really...I've been saving them be warned could be a long one..