If you're autistic, can I ask you a personal question please

[CanIaskapersonalquestion]

My dd is 10 and autistic.

Honestly trying to navigate our way through various situations and support her as much as I can and learning as I go.

This week there has been a death in the family, quite traumatic for me as I was there, dd was also close to the person.

Dd says she doesn't feel she can cry, fair enough, we all deal with death differently. She has been talking about hiw she feels and then asking to stop talking about it when she feels its too mucb, I'm being guided by her.

However she gets a certain amount of screen time per day, usually very supervised but the last few days I haven't been as on it as I usually would due to the circumstance. There are strict controls on her tablet so I wasnt really too worried.

I had a look at what she had been doing, and she was looking up how to show empathy, and she has been doing exactly what it said, saying certain things, holding my hand etc.

Waiting lists for appointments are ridiculous, I have called to make an appointment this morning and they are going to send one out but it could be a couple of months.

However is this usual? She must be feeling some kind of empathy in order to want to show it?

As I say this is all pretty new to me and I dont know if this is ok or something I need to be really worried about.

Sorry if it a jumbled mess of a post.

She is not a sociopath and what a horrible thing to say. For me I just dont understand the social rules and whats acceptable and what isnt, I am in my 30s now and a parent so to an extent ive had to learn alot but it doesnt come naturally so reading about things and asking questions is totally normal to learn. For me my emotions feel really confusing and overwhelming at times too so although she may be feeling a bit of empathy that doesnt mean she knows how to channel it and that might be the case for lots of emotions over the years. I think shes been incredibly kind and showed great initiative because she wants to be there for you through something thats pretty difficult and confusing for her so the exact opposite of a sociopath just a really cracking kid you've got.

Just to add OP your daughter sounds lovely. My DS does have an official diagnosis and he does care about people. Autistic kids can be over empathic, they can feel too much or just not know how to translate what they’re feeling. That other woman sounds truly awful. Please ignore her. Your daughter will be fine. We’ve always been very open about emotions and how we’re allowed to feel them and how different people cope with grief differently and there is no wrong or right. You’re handling things well!

Agree with everyone else, and your friend is unfeeling!

I wonder if the response would have been different if she'd asked another relative how to show she cares about you/ wants to help rather than Googling. Perhaps it's because she typed it into an computer your friend thought that method showed some kind of coldness. (If so, she's entirely wrong, and it's easier to search more freely online and not have to be polite about the advice you receive!)

I was diagnosed with Asperger's (as it was called then) as an adult, some years ago. Your daughter sounds like me when growing up! I can remember asking my mother, when we were about to visit a friend who had been bereaved, "How should I make my face look?" 😁She, of course, had no idea what I was talking about (and never did 'get' me).

With hindsight I should have asked my father, because guess where I got my autism from?

Your daughter is delightful and you are doing a great job with her. Your 'friend'? - don't give her another thought and avoid her in future.

The autistic community say ND people do feel empathy,so how does this fit if she has to look up how to (just curious) and you're 'not wired' to grieve?

Shes showed a level of self awareness, my Autistic ds (21) never has.

Keep talking to her

Autumn girls and women are often incredibly empathetic but can find it difficult to express it.

So sorry for your loss.

I am autistic and I have never been able to relate to the rituals of death, if that makes any sense. I don't feel any emotion at funerals. In a way I don't think I ever fully process death, it's as if the person still exists somewhere.

Oddly, it is different for animals, I get very upset at the death of my pets.

This is going to sound even odder but I actually feel more by way of empathy, the story of others' losses, even strangers' losses, makes me feel more emotional than losses which personally affect me.

Of course I want to support those I love and care about when they lose someone. I try to be led by how they are dealing with it and support whatever is bringing them comfort, if they are thinking of an afterlife, if they are trying to keep busy, if they want a quiet time with their memories - everyone is different so I try to go along with what is helping them.

Edit for typo

My family members were asked if I was a psychopath when my Mum died. I'm not , I just don't grieve the way society expects.

I loved my Mum and I miss her deeply, but I had children to look after and if I allow myself to feel the feelings, I feel far too deeply and I just cannot function, so I put it in a box never to come out.

I don't feel empathy as such for other people, as in feel their feelings, but on an intellectual level I'm very kind and I want to ease their pain, so if they were sad, much like your daughter, I have learned to take them tea, say the right things and I would be horrified if I upset them in anyway.

She sounds like a lovely girl. The important thing is to make sure she knows that she is not wrong in how she grieves and neither are you.

But what the OP’s daughter is looking up is how to communicate or show sympathy in a way that her mum will understand.

My adult ds2 is autistic (lower ability for want of a better description) my eldest DD is high functioning, and I'm waiting for assessment because there is little doubt it came from me.
When my Dad died I didn't cry. He was ill, his body was worn out and he died and I was grateful he was no longer in pain. There are times when I forget and think 'oh must ring dad and tell him xx' but that's it. I loved him.. in my own way but grief is a bit of a mystery to me.
I watched DS2 navigate the funeral and he literally watched everyone to see what they were saying and copied... he was trying to behave appropriately. He's the kindest man you could meet, would help anyone, but does not process in the same way. DD1 is much more empathetic..too much sometimes as her job deals with people in distress and sometimes it's hard for her.

I'm kind I think, I try to do the right things in life, I love my family dearly but I'm not huggable except for immediate family and I simply don't feel large emotional responses to many things, the exception being my own children which feels entirely different. I find displays of grief really uncomfortable and alien and never know quite what to say or do, but it doesn't make me a sociopath!

What a lovely thoughtful girl, and she is already showing huge empathy by trying to learn about it ❤️ And at a relatively young age! Please op, don't worry that you are not doing a good job. She sounds like a real credit to you.

So many stereotypes around autistic people just aren't true, in my very direct experience. Mine sometimes feel things so passionately that it physically hurts when others are upset. She sounds like she is well on the way to finding out about her feelings and being able to live in them. Relax and enjoy each others love, there are no generalised rules that override who she naturally is when it comes to autism ❤️

Honestly she sounds a lot like my Daughter who is now 19, she is autistic, very intelligent but often jokes she is close to a sociopath in that she has very little empathy for strangers. But for those she is close to, she is the most caring person. She just has a very logical brain and is much more ruled by logic whereas im all emotion.

But honestly your Daughter sounds similar in a wonderful way. The fact at 10 she realised she may not have natural empathy or may not express it and went to look for a guide in that, I would see this as a big positive. She sounds very smart.

Yes this is if not specifically normal very understandable.
We have trouble with emotional regulation (to lesser or greater extent) and showing "normal" emotions in a way most people will understand or recognise and find it even more difficult to show empathy in a way most would understand or recognise.
Your lovely dd has recognised this about herself and is wanting to show you empathy in a way that will help you and make you feel better and has gone online to find the "right" way to show it to you.
She's doing what she can to make things better for you in the only way she can

I think the critical thing here is the ‘diverse’ part of neurodiverse. Nobody can speak for the experience of the autistic community. Some do feel empathy, some don’t, some are a middle ground. Understanding that there are things you should do to show someone empathy but having to look them up is showing a degree of empathy - if no empathy was present they wouldn’t care to look it up! But it’s not a natural flow to just show it. Looking it up demonstrates the empathy to know someone deserves care, but not the natural ability to just know how it happens.

In terms of not being wired to grieve - I honestly don’t know. It’s just that once someone is dead it’s like a game piece leaving the board. I fondly remember all the good things about them, but I’ve never been sad or upset. In fact, I feel incredibly awkward at funerals because it’s not normal to sit there and look unaffected, but that’s just how I am. I attend the funeral because it’s a show of respect, but it’s just a box ticking exercise to me. I have my memories and life moves on. It’s just how my brain works.

@8TinyToeBeans I have to say I do envy your experience with grief. (I’m very much not downplaying any struggles you may have in other respects but I feel this aspect is a plus). It can take years to reach that stage of fond remembrance, from my own experience, I’m not extreme in my grief either but the first couple of years are ferocious when you are unexpectedly reminded of the loved one and you have no control over that sensation. So being able to remember them easily, sooner, without the pain would be lovely. I suppose I’m also trying to say don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not grieving properly, even NT people grieve in a myriad of ways.

My son is autistic and also has Alexithymia which the psychiatrist who assessed him says is pretty common in people with autism - it’s a difficulty in describing and processing emotions. It maybe that your daughter knows she’s feeling something but doesn’t know exactly what or what to do?

she sounds very kind and thoughtful.

• edited cos I spelled the bloomin condition wrong!

What a lovely girl you have. Im so sorry for your loss.
The fact she wants you to feel loved in a way you'll recognise, as opposed to her thinking you should just feel loved in the way she knows how to give it, and she has gone off and researched it on her own, will steer her far in this life. (Its something a lot of neurological adults could stand to learn, to be honest...)

She is trying to learn how to mask that she hasn’t got any feelings here but recognises you do.

Im autistic but have super empathy, DD has none. When relatives have died she hasn’t reacted at all to the death but she does worry about me. She is 16 now so old enough to understand and discuss it, but she genuinely felt nothing when her close grandparents died. I think her worry about me is driven by her need for the house to be the ‘same’ and big events that trigger emotion like that mean things are a bit off key for a while, so that’s her main concern is things not feeling quite ‘right‘. So, when I say she worries about me it is in a ‘I hope mum is ok so things feel normal’ type way

Sorry - but that friend would be dumped. Anyone using the word ‘sociopathic’ in relation to an autistic child is being despicably ableist.

My DC are both AuDHD and my eldest DD is asbergers in presentation. She feels things very acutely but lacks the intuitive skills to know how to express it or to support others. It’s a myth that autistic people don’t feel empathy - they do, but it is almost that they feel too much and struggle to know how to filter the rush of emotion/sensation in challenging contexts. Therefore they need extra processing time to unravel it all and work out how to express it or share with others. SM resources have been really useful for both of mine in navigating and learning from community peers, even if it’s just to give them the vocabulary to express that they don’t know how to process it at all.

There are some useful resources for supporting each other, as well as a helpline, on autism.org.uk, by the way. Just search under ‘bereavement’.