Is it wrong to expect him to stick to the agreement?

[Pointytower]

In the past both DP and I have enjoyed a drink, and have some boozy friends.

We've both cut right back, which has changed the dynamic of the friendships with people who are still drinking. When we do see them, we either agree that we will both stick at one or won't drink at all, or that this will be the one weekend in ages we'll have a "few".

I cut back intially because DP needed to for health reasons. At the time I didn't feel I needed to, but did it to support him. Since then I have found I don't want to go back to it and the weekends I want "a few" are few and far between. There are very few occasions that are worth the hangover.

On Friday we went out with a friend. He's a mutual friend, mine before DP's actually but DP has often been out alone with him. I said beforehand I didn't want a drink and DP said that's fine he didn't want to either.

If he wanted a drink I'd have said fine, I'll have a night in because I don't want to sit there and watch the two of them get drunk.

On the evening, friend is encouraging DP to drink more than we agreed and DP is looking to me for "permission". I told him to make his own decision, but I did expect that to be what he'd agreed in advance...and he knew that's what I meant, and is now annoyed with me for not "letting" him drink what he wants.

He can drink what he likes, but if I'd known he wanted a boozy eveing, I wouldn't have gone.

Yes. But if your relationship is so co-dependent that you can threaten to flounce because he isn't doing as you want and then he thinks you're so fragile that you can't travel alone, then it's quite a toxic situation.

I think you need some time apart to realise that you're independent, capable adults.

You can both do what you want individually, unless one of you has agreed to drive beforehand and can't drink. Obviously it'd be good if doesn't have a drink or limits it for health reasons. You don't have to leave if others are drinking alcohol.

This seems very binary - either almost nothing or watching people get drunk and next day hangovers. I feel like there is a whole middle ground of having two or three drinks at a reasonable pace where no one is pissed and everyone enjoys themselves which is totally missing as an option!

There may well be for some people, but DP isn't one of them. Hence the need to cut right back.

You said that you said that it was his decision but you expected that decision to be that he wouldn’t drink?

Apologies if I’ve got it wrong.

No I didn't. I told him to make his own decision, but he will have known I expected him to stick to the agreement. When friend went to the bar, I said I didn't want to stay and watch them drink so I was going home. Which is when he went to tell friend he'd have a soft drink. Then when we got home he complained about not being allowed to have a drink.

Okay.

If he’d stayed and drank, defying your expectations, you’d went home, would you have been annoyed and would there have been an argument, or would he think you were entirely happy to go home and would’ve genuinely wished him a good night and not be annoyed about him choosing to drink?

There’s a difference between having a few drinks and getting drunk. I think you’ve become over-evangelical about it, and should be willing to be more relaxed and flexible

Yes, I'd have been annoyed that I'd spent the time and money getting there, having expressly agreed beforehand that there'd be no drinking.

He had the choice either go with friend and have a drink or I'd go too and we'd not drink. He chose. I genuinely wouldn't have minded if he'd chosen to go without me. There'd have been no argument then. I really don't think it's unreasonable to expect that he'd stick to it on that basis.

Except, as I've said, DP can't make that choice. He's all or nothing.

Yes so you know he will get pissed. What will you change next time? As an ex drinker I need to exit boozy situations.

I think it’s controlling. He’s allowed to change his mind, he is an adult.

Maybe stop asking him to agree not to drink in advance and let him do as he pleases. He shouldn’t be forced not to drink if he decides he fancies one just so you can go on a night out.

@Pointytower I guess now you can at least say “if I come along on the grounds you’re only having a couple and you change your mind, will you be Ok with me leaving this time?”

But then you told him it was his choice whether to drink more or not. And expected him to make the choice you wanted instead. Say what you mean for FS.

It’s up to him what he does, it’s up to you if you choose to go home. This shouldn’t be an issue in a decent relationship.

You didn't want to sit there with two pissheads, so yes you were totally reasonable in wanting to leave them to it and go home.

I get it op. I’m not a huge drinker, maybe a few times a year. Dp is a social drinker, when the occasion calls for it. We were invited to a friends house recently, I said you just go have a drink with the guys, have a nice evening, stop over come home when ever the next morning or ring me and I’ll come get you. He insisted I joined them, as he would only be having a couple, not a late night and would come home with me as I was the allocated driver as I couldn’t stop the night. I stupidly agreed to go, a couple turned into another trip to the shop for top ups, I said I’d just go now as it’s obviously turning into a drunken lads night, that was seen as me being stroppy, I explained I had no issue with him having a boozy night with the boys but he should of just said that’s what it would be, not told me what he thinks I wanted to hear. So in the end he did come home so not to ‘upset the wife’ but if he’d just said from the off he was going to get pissed with the boys I’d of had a peaceful night home. Not seen as the stroppy mrs who’s going home when her partner decides to have one too many.

How would having one drink have changed the night so much? You're far from home in a rough area so saying if you have that drink ill go home alone is obviously going to stop him, as it was designed to do

Except if he'd had the drink and she'd travelled through the rough part of London for a hour in the dark, most people would agree he was the dick for causing her toeave, and it would be "why is he so alcohol dependant he couldn't just say no??"

I do not think planning to a have no drink, or one or a few can always be done in advance of going out with old friends or seeing family. It isn’t unreasonable to expect someone to stick to an agreement that is important, but this is minor. In addition, I think the entire idea that it has to be you both have no drink, or one or a few is unreasonable. You are two different people, you can make up your own minds.

You have recognised he has no control over alcohol once he has a drink and I suspect that you, quite reasonably, don’t like the person he becomes when he’s drunk. It sounds like he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, which is what led you to both stopping drinking. His friends don’t sound like they can have a good time sober.

You will be blamed for being the spoil sport and controlling. You just have your boundaries. I think I would be re-evaluating this relationship and whether it is healthy for you and what you want in the long term. Do you have DC together?

It’s dark by 4pm soon. She’s travelling in London. School children travel in London in the dark.

If it was a case of walking along dark, quiet alleys to get home then she could’ve got an Uber.

It’s a him problem if he can’t go out and just have two or three. I don’t think it’s worthy of falling out over.

Exactly! People are allowed to change their mind.