How can I handle an overly chatty and nosy neighbour?

[SeaShellShore]

A lady moved into the village I live in approx 15 years ago. She's older than me so we are completely different. She is retired. I work full time. I say hello to her when I see her. The problem is she will stop and try and latch onto me.

She never made any friends because she's too much and too intense. It's the way she talks too. She talks and asks things completely inappropriately and she's just so so so nosy.

I remember one time seeing her at the bus stop and she sat beside me going to town and she never stopped talkimg once. It was awful. She was non stop.

There was another time I saw her at the bus stop and I lied to her and said I left my card at home and waited for the next bus.

Last year I had a hair appointment in the city and I had to go on the bus and she was at the bus stop. She sat beside me. The exact same experience. No stop talk and asking questions non stop of everything and anything and how much I get paid, what are my bills like, etc.

I didn't see her for a long time and then again this morning she sat beside me. The same thing. Even taking a fake call on my earpods didn't stop her. She just won't stop talking. She talked about things that are current affairs and everything, she even talked about R-ape stuff.

It was just so so so so bad. I dont mind chatting for a few minutes but she is non stop.

I was getting messages this morning too so I had my eyes on my phone and trying to reply to messages but she would not stop.

It is honestly migraine inducing.

I am supposed to be working later but I want to go to the pub to throw some spirits into my mouth.

How will I handle this situation again if it happens again. Will I make excuses and get the next bus? What if I have an appointment? I am half thinking about carrying a notebook and pen and if it happens again wrote a note to say that I lost my hearing. Or better yet print a small card at home that is wallet size for my phone case and say that I am newly deaf and can't hear again and give it to her.

I do experience ear problems and I did lose my hearing before from sickness but it came back again. So it wouldnt be a huge lie as such.

that’s not a very nice way to handle a situation. it would have been more polite to say “thats my business thank you” or “i’d prefer not to discuss it” or just “it’s a bad time good night”. Just because someone may have additional learning needs or something you don’t need to be nasty. even when tired.

With regard to your current situation OP i would suggest the earphones and a “work podcast i need to listen to for a meeting at the office today, so i’ll sit elsewhere and not disturb you” might be the way forward,and do that. Just keep your earpods in and ignore her. If she speaks “im sorry julie i need to listen to this work stuff and cant talk this morning hope you understand”.

This is what I'd do as well.

There was a few weeks ago when I had to go to town for an appointment. My appointment was at 10.30 am and I Wouod have had time on the 9 am bus into the city. Instead I got the 8 am bus into town because it gave me some flexibility in case I was to see her. If I left it to the later bus and if I saw her had the bus stop I was kinda screwed in that I would need to take that bus. By going in earlier, I was lucky she wasn't at the early bus stop but if she was it gave me flexibility to make an excuse and wait for the 9 bus. Sorted. I am not going to sit on the same bus as her ever ever ever again. She wouldn't care or understand if I had a call or work to do.

Do you read? If so, carry a book with you, get it out at the bus stop and engross yourself into it. If you're not responding much or making the odd comment, she might stop talking. If not, tell her a 'porkie' and suggest she sit somewhere else next time as you're sure you've got covid.

Oh my goodness @SeaShellShore that sounds utterly intense and horrific! No real advice sorry apart from totally ignoring her, telling her to piss off, or moving.....

All of this is why I refuse to make friends of any neighbours. I will be civil and polite, but I do not want to be pals/go in and out of each others houses/socialise together etc... It rarely ends well.

DH and I were friends with a couple who moved into our village some 3-4 months after we did, around a decade ago. They were several years older, and lived 10 minutes walk away. (Still do!) They seemed OK to start with, for a couple of months, then they started to get nosy, intrusive, bitchy, snarky, jealous, nasty, and very disparaging of others. Proper catty gossips. Made me wonder what they said about us!

He was critical of my DH's job, and she was critical of the fact I worked part time, when I was 'only in my late 40s,' and kept demanding to know why I was part time, (as she HAD to work full time.) And she was critical of my DC going doing a Masters, and saying said 'one of these people forever in education is she?' I said 'she's 22, and has just left Uni... I was so sick of her shitty, UNASKED FOR opinions. Also, if I didn't respond to a text within 10 minutes, she would turn up at my house!

We put up with them, for about a year and a half, then something happened that made us decide 'no, fuck this' and we cut them off and ghosted them.

He wasn't fussed, but she wouldn't leave me alone for months and months. Kept hounding people we both knew, asking them what was 'wrong' with me, and constantly messaging me. When she realised I was gone and was no longer friends with her, she turned 3 people (mutual friends from a hobby group) against me. Made me the bad guy, and spread spiteful rumours about me. Luckily 2 of these 3 people have left the village now, and the other one can go fuck herself. I had to leave that hobby group, and was upset as I loved it.

tl;dr I will never EVER make friends with anyone in my village again. I will just be polite, talk about the weather for 2 minutes, help someone in an emergency, and then move on. Once bitten.................

I occasionally meet someone on the train like this, and I am an introvert working in a very busy environment, so I tell them I would rather some quiet please. Then I put on some relaxing music through my headphones and close my eyes. It usually works, and I don't care if I come off as antisocial because my battery has LITERALLY run out.

OP, your PITA sounds like a tougher one to break than move, though. Assertiveness is difficult and setting boundaries is hard when you don't have the tools. I am still learning the skills in my forties. I do think if she's that bad, it's going to come to a head one day and you are going to have to say everything you are saying here to her. Sorry.

She might be very lonely/have problems. If you don't want to answer, ask a questions instead, so if she asks about your bills, say what did she think about that article on the budget?

Tell her about how you recently visited your friend who has suspected Ebola.

This woman being lonely is not the OP's problem to solve.

100% guarantee that no man on earth would have his head constantly pecked like this by some woman who was banging on and on and talking non-stop, and being nosey and rude and intrusive. Most men would flat out ignore her, or tell her go away.

OP does not have to tolerate this, and #BeKind just because she is a woman.

It sounds like a psychological condition. I would politely explain that you don't want to engage with her and walk away. It's unlikely she'll be offended because she isn't actually talking to you anyway, from what you've described. If she's still talking while you're on the phone - that isn't neurodivergence. It sounds like someone who needs a medical professional.

Or if she sits next to you say excuse me, get up and sit upstairs
Genius though to get on first and sit next to someone else

@SeaShellShore I completely understand what you are feeling, people like this are so overwhelming
One thing though,pause
You dont have to answer questions
I do the 🤨 face and just look at people and they usually stop

Just say you’re listening to something important on your earbuds and you’re on a deadline. If she keeps going move and say ‘I’m sorry I can’t be interrupted’.

I felt sorry for her and I don't mind chatting for a few minutes and being friendly with her. However she is just too intense with everything. At one stage she was prying into my hobbies and I gave her a list of what I like to do and she criticised it all. Like knitting, adult colouring, jigsaw making, - she shot it all down. The last time she beckoned me on the bus to sit with her, was when I wrote this post and never ever again. She just didn't stop talking once. It was just too much.

Shes been like this with many people in the village. I think she is desperate to make friends and company but she is coming across as too much and too intense.

I am a different person to who she is. We are at two very different life stages. She is retired and I am middle age with a full time job that can take so much out of me may I add. I don't have time for friendship especially like this one that would only just drain me. She needs to go an find other retired people but she has pushed them away to be honest. I remember one time she met my mother in the village and asked her to go into her house and my mother went in and while there the woman got a phone call from a local lady cancelling dinner plans and her reaction was very intense and she was unable to see it from the other person's point of view or see it as a slight disappointment and things happen. She was just so intense.

I wouldn't even tell her this. I am someone that would just run away without saying anything. I don't want to engage with her every again. If she clocks me and sees me maybe hello or pretend not to see her.

I decided on my plan of action going forward. If I don't have anything important or an appointment in town, I will avoid getting on the bus and wait for the next one. Or if she's already on the bus, I and didn't see her, I think I will look to the back of the bus and shout out a random name and wave and go down to the end of the bus to pretend to sit with a friend.

Never again. She's just too draining. I think if I ever see her in the village as well I think I may just run across the road too.

Honestly, she wouldn't care interrupting me and making sure I don't read my book and she wouldn't get a hint. The best thing to so is to avoid her completely.

I think in the future, if my situation allows it, I will wait for the next bus or of she's on before me and I didn't see her I will shout out a random name with a happy wave and go and sit down beside a pretend friend at the back of the bus.

That seems worse and also just weird.

There is a woman like this at the gym
She will ask a question, then when you reply
Shoot you down dramatically
Eg
Isnt it cold, are you cold?
Yes its a bit chilly
STOP complaining, there are people dying because of drought !!!😳
Hahaha omg shes bonkers
I just dont bother answering now

I always find when people say
"Buuuut shes probably lonely"that the loneliness is a consequence of their own behaviour and therefore nothing to do with me!

No she isn’t because this woman keeps asking intrusive questions and won’t take a hint .

For heaven’s sake, OP, you’re coming across as almost as strange as this woman. Assert yourself. Say ‘This isn’t something I want to talk about’ or ‘I’m not interesting in chatting today — I’m reading’, or just move seats! The only behaviour here you can control is your own. There’s no point in complaining on the internet about how ‘intense’ she is, and the effect she has on you, when the power to stop it is in your own hands.

Say you have a migraine and close your eyes.
Everytime she speaks hold your hand up & do the ‘no’ motion.

Whilst it sounds very annoying you mention it hasn’t happened for a year.
Block her number, plus why did you give it to her?

The woman is someone you don’t want to know and that’s fine but it’s so infrequent. I would just say I’m sitting alone and make sure she gets on before you, you choose another seat. I would then if she sat next to me by changing ask her to move and make a point of just telling her to go away.

She sounds overbearing but your reaction to the situation is so weak. You do realise that she does this because you allow her to.

I made the mistake of being nice to an older bloke at the bus stop when I was commuting to work. He sat beside me every day both there and back unless I was able to get on first and hide at the back of the bus. Initially it was ok and I enjoyed a wee chat but it just got far too much and I just couldn't get rid of him. The final straw was when he somehow found out where I lived (he knew the village but not my house) and turned up at my baby shower!!! Mental. Luckily my mum is tough as nails and sent him packing but in those days I had no idea how to deal with him.

You tell her.

Mary stop I find your verbal dialogue relentless, exhausting, intrusive and it has given me headaches, I feel totally harrassed. I do not want to be friends with you or listen to you. Please stop immediately.

She isn’t a friend.

AirPods in and music and walk away. If she continues repeat I don’t want to talk to you please leave me alone.

Every single time.