Inappropriate behaviours from DDs’ father

[Buttons4Eyes]

Ex-DH has long had issues with boundaries regarding our DDs. I’ve spoken to him recently about not just walking in to their rooms until they’ve said it’s ok and he’ll often touch them without asking. 2 are teens, one is a little older.

It’s like he still thinks they’re small children, not teenagers who don’t want to be man handled. All of them are autistic too so especially don’t like to be touched unexpectedly. He also relentlessly questions them about everything which they hate and is one of the reasons I’ve ended the marriage as he’s so controlling but unfortunately we’re still in the same house.

I’ve been with him since I was 23 and he was 32. Prior to that his previous girlfriend was 15 when they got together and he was 20.

Anyway, my youngest DD has just come to me saying she went to go in the bathroom and he was in his room on his phone, he told her he wanted the bathroom and she’d better be quick.
She said she’d be 2 seconds but he came in anyway, in his underwear and stood there till she left which made her feel really uncomfortable. She was nearly in tears.

I told her she should speak to safeguarding at school but I can’t work out if he genuinely is just fucking stupid and can’t understand why it’s not appropriate to do that or something more serious.

Do you think that he’s behaving inappropriately? That he has an ulterior motive for pushing boundaries? He should absolutely respect their boundaries.

Are they old enough to choose not to stay with him?
That sounds really uncomfortable for them, and possibly dangerous?

Its dangerous. No one is that stupid snd he isn’t either.Of course he is being sexually inappropriate with them. Deliberately.

It's a lot of pressure to put on a child to tell someone else. YOU are the one responsible for keeping her safe. YOU can speak to someone for advice if you think it is inappropriate. In the meantime, tell the creep to stay the fuck out of your girls' private spaces. He has no right to invade their privacy. For info - my 6 y o boy goes to the toilet alone and closes the door. I would not dream of going in unless he asked me to!

Did I read correctly that you are divorced but still all live together?
One of you needs to move out. If it's you then obviously take your girls with you.
As teens they can decide if they want to spend time with him (they probably won't).
Also I would put locks on the bathroom and their bedroom doors as he can't respect their privacy.

Are you yourself still living in the house with your daughters and him?
I find it difficult to believe he doesn’t realise this is completely wrong. He should not be entering the bathroom while your daughter is there. I think men who push boundaries like this are seeing what they can get away with and it could get significantly worse.
Your daughter was actually crying so she didn’t feel safe with him in his underwear while she was trying to use the loo.
Get help via the school on Monday. Also it’s very easy to get a bolt out in the bathroom door and that could be done this week.

Thank you for your advice so far. I will speak to someone too about it as well as if she wants to. We haven’t divorced yet, I’m trying to get him to evict the tenant in another house he owns so me and the girls can move out. There is a lock on the bathroom but she didn’t think he’d come in as she said she’d be quick. I told her she has to always lock it and she got upset and said it wasn’t her fault he came in which I said absolutely it’s not but he doesn’t respect her space.

Can you afford to move out?
Even if you all have to cram into a one bedroom flat as a temporary measure I would be doing that.

He is financially abusive, he doesn’t give me any money and I earn a fraction of what he does. Also, one of my DDs is seriously long term unwell and has only just come out of a long hospital admission so I’m torn between leaving and keeping stability for her health as she’s been so close to dying so many times.
He refuses to leave.

Locks needed on any spaces. He should not be doing it- I would be pointing out that not only is he upsetting his daughter but others would believe he is some sort of pervert!

This.

You need to move out or get him out!!!

Your poor DDs, you should be protecting them.

You need legal advice, talk to Women’s Aid.

You have to leave. Especially once this is reported you will have no choice.

You all live in the same house. Why are you telling your youngest autistic child to “talk to safeguarding”. You can do that. You need the help of social services or whatever help you can access through their school as soon as humanly possible. I would contact women’s aid too - they’ve seen it all before, especially the financial abuse and can advise you.

From what you have said now I agree with talking to Women's Aid and talk to Safeguarding at school (you talk to them - not your daughter) because they will be able to help point you in direction of any other support networks.
Don't leave your girls home alone with him.

I also think it’s worth speaking to the police and seeking an occupation order on the home.

I will email DSL at her school, I know him very well because of other daughter’s health issues.
Police are aware of previous abusive behaviour from him also. They said they’d put me in touch with someone who could advise on an occupation order last time I went to them but nothing ever came of it. I’ll contact them regarding this too.

@Buttons4Eyes have you started the divorce process ? You would be financially better off once it’s all sorted. He would maybe take you serious once the ball is rolling .
However I think it’s time to start speaking to others so you have that support .
Id want him out asap!

I was thinking the same . Never leave them
home alone . He has moved his focus of control .

Absolutely report his behaviour towards you and the children, with any hope he will be arrested, interviewed and bailed with conditions not to contact any of you which solves your immediate problem.

I’m speaking with the DSL tomorrow, DD said she wants to speak with him too with me there. He also has control of our cars and all the documents and hasn’t taxed mine so I can’t use it. All forms of control which I am beginning to see.

Haven’t started divorce yet as I can’t afford solicitor and there are a lot of financial issues with his businesses etc.
Mediation may be an option which is more affordable for me.

Replying to bump this so someone more knowledgeable can reply, but I think you can consult a solicitor re divorce now and payment can come out of the final settlement.
Also, please talk it through with Women's Aid.

@Buttons4Eyes you can apply at the post office for your log book . It’s £25 just say you have lost it.
He is a horrible controlling man. This is coercion and the police will notice this. .
Start writing everything down.
He doesn’t care about you . Control is NOT love. No matter what he says.
Start paving the way to get him gone. Don’t be soft if it came to it he would choose himself over you or the girls.

Womens aid may help you get a solicitor.

You either need to get out or get him out of the home.

Protect your daughters from this creep.