Would this count as financial abuse of our elderly mother?

[duvetdiver]

Hi,

our elderly mother wanted to go abroad on holiday, but could go alone as her mobility is poor. She uses a wheelchair or a walker when out of the house. My brother and his wife and kids agreed to go with her, however they couldn’t find the money straight away so mum paid the balance (around £3k). And they agreed to pay her back £250 per month. The holiday took place early June.

I’ve since learnt that they’ve made no payments yet. I feel like they’ve taken the oiss out of her, and taken advantage of the fact that mum has a fair bit of cash saved.

is this an example of them financially abusing her?

I think it would depend on their financial circumstances and their general relationship with her.

It could be they can’t afford it at the moment.

I’m not sure, it would not have been easy to go on holiday with someone with mobility issues, if this is your mum’s only way to go on holiday, potentially she should suck up the cost. The issue here is her son saying he would pay her back and not doing, personally I think mum should have been open to covering the entire cost in the first place.

It would not have been the same holiday for them than it would if they’d gone without mum.

Stay out of it . She has capacity to address it herself . Unless she asks you it is none of your business.

Does your Mum want them to pay her back? Could she have told them not to pay? Was she capable of making the decision to lend/give them the money?

Iit doesn't immediately strike me as financial abuse as a one off event.

Maybe you could go with her next?

I was delighted when my brother sacrificed his holiday time and went on a 5* river trip with my dad when he was disabled. I regarded it as taking one for the team.

He came back knackered and stressed after a week of intense caring.

Why didn't you go?
To take someone in holiday isn't easy and if she had a great time that is brilliant. She might as well spend it and enjoy experience.

I couldn’t afford it either

Probably not, if it’s a one off. But if they have financially taken advantage of her on a number of occasions then possibly. It’s hard to know though and I suspect there is a lot more to this situation.

To be honest, they should have had it paid for if your mum has the finances to do so given that they went to care for her. It's either that or pay for carers to go and then she'd be paying out for the accommodation and travel as well as their pay for x days.

Not necessarily. Just depends on their relationship and any further conversations they have had around it. It might be that she has since said she'd treat them and that's fine. My mum often insists she pays for the holiday accommodation when I go on holiday with them as a)I can't afford regular holidays and b) they need me to go to drive them there and around and support with organising and some care tasks whilst there. I also provide respite for my mum for another relative once a week. On the other hand if I was putting pressure on my mum to give me money or pay for stuff for me on a regular basis then yes that would be financial abuse.

She got to go on holiday when she wouldn’t have otherwise, and you say she paid the ‘balance’, so I assume they’ve paid something towards it?
It really is up to your mum to decide whether she’s happy or not. Perhaps you can offer to go next time to, sort of ,round things up.

You sound jealous tbh.

There's a difference between being unreliable, broke, bad with money etc and being financially abusive. It feels like the water has been muddied.

I mean would they have gone on this holiday if it wasn't for your mum needing help?

Did they agree to an unrealistic payment plan? Not many people have £250 extra a month to spare all of a sudden.

They can't be expected to prioritise this debt above paying for food, utilities or housing costs for their children.

Of course if they said they'll pay then they should. But I wouldn't leap to calling it abusive without knowing the circumstances.

I just took my grandma away for a week she only paid her share and tbh I didn't realise what hard work it would be having to help get ready, eat, find wheelchair friendly places and with the kids to...it wasn't relaxed tbh but would never say that to my mum as she's her full-time carer but now I see why my mum looks exhausted all the time

I wouldn’t have said so based on this one example.

it’s not uncommon for parents to pay part of a holiday for an adult child and it really hasn’t been long since the holiday so bit unfair to accuse them of not intending to pay it back eventually.

it sounds like it was your mum’s idea with no coercion involved.

Elderly people get very lonely and many don't bother to go away with them . So in itself it's probably somerhng she's extremely happy to do even if she's paying the lions share.

However it's something I would gently ask her wirhout making her feel bad...she may see it as a small price to pay because she's so happy to have family to go away with.
But for your brother it's not good form is it.

Were they each covering their own costs? If so I imagine that would cause huge resentment. I have mobility issues and pay DD and DS acomodation when they come away and assist me, I can't expect them to pay as much as for a solo holiday and then be helping me all week. I think this has all been poorly discussed, arranged and communicated by the sounds of it.

Not if it’s a one-off. She’s couldn’t have gone if they didn’t take her, and it would have been quite a bit of work for them most likely. How, when, and how much they pay her back is really between your brother and your mother op.

It sounds like they went in more of a carer capacity so probably not much holiday for them.

No. Your mum is free to use her money as she chooses, as long as she is of sound mind and was not coerced. If she chooses to pay for a family holiday in order to be able to travel herself, this seems entirely fair to me.

She is also allowed to give away up to £3k a year without it impacting tax.

Does she feel they have been unfair? Are there other examples? Or is this you thinking they have taken advantage or that you should get the same?

June two months ago?
Its not been that long and its the summer holidays so an expensive time
And its her money .

My elderly mil with some dementia wants to go on holiday, I can’t go with her (nor do I want to) but I said to dh that if someone is able to go with her (another family member )they will have a caring role to some degree and she should pay for them (she has the money). I don’t want to spend my money going on holiday to look after elderly mil and nor does anyone else if she wants to go she should pay for them.

So maybe you go with her next year. It’s possible she was so happy to get a chance to go away she was happy to pay.

I’d be thinking financial abuse if they were really extravagant with her money during the holiday leaving her in a difficult financial position now, but that doesn’t sound like what’s happened.

Two months ago isn’t long, they could well have had a plan of when to start paying it back after paying off holiday spends etc

But either way as others have said they have given up their holiday time to care for her and to make sure she got a holiday. I wouldn’t be saying anything about payments!