Red flags in friendship?!

[Willsoo]

I want some advice on a friendship please. I have moved up north from living down south for 2 1/2 years now and I met a friend who introduced me to a group of ladies. The ladies all knew each other as their children went to the same nursery, we formed a group and the group was a really nice group of girls. I became very fond of the group and told my husband it was great having it when we moved recently.

We went out for dinner regularly, mostly drinks. My friend who I became close with she was in charge of the group, Admin of the what’s app I mean but she created it really.. She organised a baby shower for me when I was pregnant. She did lots of hosting at her house. She made a real effort with me and we got along well. We also went on play dates with our children, and I thought she’d be a friend for life. She did things for example liked dropping a takeaway curry round, she dropped honey and lemon round when I was ill in my pregnancy. She was very generous.

After I had my baby this friend became a lot more distant with me. She stopped dropping the food and takeaways around which I wouldn’t expect from a friend to do anyway but she became a lot closer to some of the other girls in the group. And as a result, she stopped making an effort with me. She wouldn’t reach out very often and generally the friendship felt quite different. The energy felt strange.

One of the only reasons I can think this was happening is because I had a baby and I couldn’t go out quite as often as I wanted to. Since then my friend has had a few issues going on with her family life and I have also had some issues going on with mine. But my friend has started to leave me out of the group and when I say that I just want to give an example. Her son had a birthday party and she made out on the group WhatsApp that it was a school party for her son. Actually I found out that pretty much everyone in the group was invited in the nursery chat to the class party apart from my kids. I was upset because my friend told me to keep the date free which I assumed we were invited, but actually we weren’t. My friend would also do social things without asking me and I would see most of the other girls were there- all posted over her social media so she knew I’d see.

The hardest thing that I’ve found is I’ve tried to reach out to my friend and organise to see her but every time we organise a date she always cancels last minute and when I say cancel I don’t just mean once or twice it has happened lots and lots of times. I’ve tried to be flexible with her because she has lots of issues going on at the moment, but it has been difficult when I have a baby and I have to plan a lot more things in advance. I’ve kept the date free and she either doesn’t even contact me on the day when we’re meant to be seeing each other or she just cancels and the other difficulty is that she still sees other people.

She posts a lot on her Instagram page and she’s always out with the other girls in the group and that’s what I found the hardest is that she clearly is seeing them and not me. For a while I felt neglected and upset because the group has been important to me, especially where I moved from down south and I didn’t have many friends up here. She’s also in a similar position where she moved from London up north and she knows how it feels not to have those friendships.

So what I did was I contacted her and pulled her up on it and said that I was feeling like she was avoiding me and not seeing me, I’m not sure whether that was the right thing to do or not? She told me that wasn’t true. She said that she was going through a hard time and she sometimes pushes people away when she does this. But I told her that she was going out with other people and that was what I found difficult is that she could see others but not me. She basically made excuses for every time she’s seen someone in the group and it starting to become a bit tit for tat.

We were all meant to go out for a birthday lunch for her birthday which I was really looking forward to. A lot of preparation had taken place for me to go. Sadly the meal got cancelled at a very last minute- 2.5 hrs before we were meant to leave. This upset me as I had organised childcare to help with the children. I have got three children now, including a baby and I was pumping milk in order to feed my baby and lots had gone into it. My friend messaged me just after it got cancelled by one of the other girls who was organising it. My friend who I have fallen out with sent a jokey text saying ‘this is what happens when you organise something haha’. I didn’t find it very funny so I called her. On the phone she wasn’t sympathetic at all. There was no empathy, no apology for the short cancellation and things got more awkward from then on.

The argument then hit a peak because I came back from visiting family in London and when I came back I had organised to see my friend which I knew wasn’t gonna go ahead because she always cancels on me and sure enough she did. I then lost the plot in the sense that I got really upset upset because she then saw one of the other girls in the group the next day and then I pulled her up on it again in a voice note. I was saying how much she’s upsetting me by cancelling. As a result of the voice note she has now ghosted me. I tried to reach out to her twice and each time I have silent treatment or she’s very rude in the messages saying that I’ve made it all up in my head and that she hasn’t been ghosting me.

I’m just wondering how this is going to work when we live in a small town and see her most days on the school run. This was a friendship I thought would be one that would last a while and I’m definitely going to feel isolated from the group now because this person is she is the leader of the group but she organises everything. She has very close friendships with the other girls. I just want some advice. Is this friendship worth trying to rectify in the future or does this sound like someone who is a bit fake? Does this sound like someone who bothered me with gifts to begin with to try and get my friendship and it’s now dropped me off when she’s found better? Better connections I mean and I am starting to feel like a bit of door mat if I’m honest with you any advice is appreciated thank you.

You act like you don’t give a toss. You are perfectly civil to them when you see them around, but you say nothing more about the whole episode and look for new friends. Retain some dignity and move on from this person who was clearly showing you the friendship was not important to her.

Thank you, this is good advice

Similar to me but with family who i was once really close to, weve fallen out as i called her out on her behaviour, (brothers wife) but she plays games now and will go over to see my mum, the same time I'm there, after asking for space between us! As she knows I wont speak to her.. be civil, can you hang out with the other friends from the group?

Just picking up on something you said…Why are you putting so much emphasis on her being sympathetic to you when it was her birthday that was cancelled? Surely the sympathy should have gone to her or at least shared?

Only asking as these things are rarely completely one-sided and I wonder if there’s stuff you do that is making her pull away?

Not blaming you for her poor behaviour though - cancelling consistently is not ok!!

She made the decision with the lady who organised it to cancel the birthday because the other lady who was organising was unwell. I thought she’d have some empathy considering I’ve got a 5 month old baby and a lot of prep has come into making the birthday meal- eg pumping milk all morning and sorting child care with my parents to her my husband with the 3 children. X

This comes across pretty self absorbed on your part.

The birthday girls birthday was cancelled because the organiser was ill - but YOU wanted sympathy because you’d pumped?

From your posts it sounds like once you got closer
to her you kept “confronting” or “calling her out”. That’s probably pushed her away and made her want to keep her distance from you.

You should leave it now. Be polite and civil, stop trying to confront her about it. You’ve probably annoyed her and now she can’t be bothered.

I don't know why she backed off in her friendship with you. It would be interesting to know that. I'm sorry that it hurt.

If someone has cancelled and you then see them somewhere else, it would only be acceptable to raise it with them if you have a long standing friendship. A new friend is not likely to accept that level of accountability.

It wasn't your birthday party and you weren't organising it, yet you seriously think that they should have held the party anyway, out of empathy to you? Where's your empathy towards the birthday person whose party was cancelled, or to the organiser who was ill?

Seems like you have a touch of main character syndrome going on.

It was the fact it was cancelled 2 hrs before we were due to leave and alot went into the planning on my part with having a 5 month baby and breastfeeding.

Yes, you’ve said that. Have you read the previous few posts?

If someone else’s occasion is cancelled due to illness why do you think their consideration should be for you as opposed to the host or the person it was for?

I think you need to accept that any friendship you had with this woman is completely dead in the water and that when you were seeing more of each other, the friendship wasn’t what you thought it was. Now that could be because she’s got issues. Or it could be that she thought you seemed nice, she got to know you better and realised that you aren’t her cup of tea at all. Your feelings about the cancelled birthday might give you a clue as to why she might not be keen, if that’s an example of your personality. That doesn’t mean that she’s fake, or that there’s anything wrong with you beyond being a bit self absorbed. It just means that you aren’t suited to each other.

Just let it go now. Stop confronting her. What do you want her to say? Yes, you’re right, I have been ghosting you. I thought we could be friends but you’re not my sort of person? What will it achieve if she says that, other than hurting your feelings and making things incredibly awkward for you both when you’re at the school gates. It sounds like you pinned all of your hopes for a ready made friendship group on this woman, and that would have been a lot for anyone to take on. Start looking around for friendships with other people and try to be a bit more relaxed about it. Try thinking about what you have to offer to a friendship, rather than what your friends can do for you.

It was postponed so the event is happening in a few weeks time and they picked a date when I was on holiday.

It’s horrible being phased out of a group. Could you possibly have one on one friendships with the others and keep it cool with her? Just say hi on school runs, etc but don’t go up to her to chat, etc.

But your behaviour around the party being cancelled is so very odd. It’s not about you, at all. The party wasn’t for you, and you weren’t the organiser - you were just another guest. Yet you felt the need to confront her because cancelling inconvenienced you, and you even defend your behaviour on this thread. That makes me wonder if there were other times you expected to be made a priority and she got a bit fed up of that. For example, she had stuff going after you had your baby - do you think she’s disappointed you gave her no support at all after she was supportive during your pregnancy?

Yes there’s two girls I get on well with so I hope to stay friends with them. The cancelled birthday wasn’t really the issue, the birthday is organised again for a few weeks time. I was more upset she was cancelling on me at very short notice than still seeing other people out and about. She also invited everyone in the group to her son’s party apart from us, despite telling us to keep the date free and not communicating with us that we aren’t invited.

She didn’t cancel the party on just you. She cancelled the whole thing, but you made it about you. Respectfully, cancelling had nothing to do with you, in that they didn’t cancel because of you. Annoying, yes, but it’s life.

I would struggle to stay friends with someone who kept having a go at me so I think it’s fair to say this friendship is dead and only exists in a group setting. So you keep it superficial with her, decide whether you’re happy to stay in a group friendship and see the other ones separately.