Does anyone recognise this unhappy marriage and how did you leave?

[Timemayhavecomenow]

So very unhappy. Husband verbally unkind, he has no interests or friends, would be happy to never leave the house or speak to another soul. We tiptoe around him, kids haven’t once, and I mean never, disagreed with anything he says as just not worth it. He is negative about everything, critical of everyone. Shows zero understanding of my needs and unable to compromise. Social occasions very stressful. I pander to it all, until I don’t, then he shouts and says we should divorce. I then get scared of the future, pander to his needs again.

I’m mid 50s, we have a reasonably comfortable life, I work and earn an ok amount but not enough to pay all our living costs and support kids at uni (many years left). Pension provision rubbish as self employed. He also has no pension, his income becoming less and no guarantee it will continue. Life is affecting my physical health now, now trying hrt to see if I’ll feel happier. I have lots of fabulous friends. Our children are exceptionally wonderful.

I know divorce is the answer, I dream of my own home where mine and the children’s friends can visit and relax. But I’m scared. Haven’t spoken to friends about this in recent years as I feel they’ve heard it all before and feel I never take the next step.

foes this sound familiar to anyone? What did you do?

I think everyone's situation is different. But what i can say is sort your future out. Then the threats become 'so what?' Once he loses that power there could be a fundamental shift. But by that time your excited about a new future and he needs to be left in the past.
50s is not too late to start again. It never is.
You will find you can breathe again if you take that step. Imagine waking up and making breakfast with music on without a dark cloud following you around making sure you stay quiet and feeble.
Which life do you want to look back on in 10 years? Your current or a new one however scary it may be.

Thank you.

Dark cloud sums him up, it used to feel like Harry Potter’s dementors coming in when he got in each evening. Then things improved for a bit, but it’s rarely been good.

and this isn’t how I want my life to be, I want to feel happy, and free to be me without worrying about him.

so, I somehow need to earn more, would be happy to work longer hours but realistically need another £1000 a month which seems impossible.

I’m so sorry op, that sounds fkn awful frankly. The dementor comment reminded me of my ex. I divorced him and life became immediately lighter and happier. It was literally like the cloud over me and my house lifted. However, I am lucky enough to have the career/money to have kept the house, and I am well aware not everyone is in that boat. Please see a lawyer and maybe a financial advisor, and get an idea of what you can do. Life is too short to stay so miserable.

Thank you. Yes, I will. I’m feeling a bit stronger after writing it down and have done a little rightmove research too. I know that I will have many people around me to help me/ support and that just having my own home will be a completely different life.

I need to pluck up the courage to speak to friends and start a plan. It’s all a bit complicated financially and that side of the future does fill me with fear. But I also know I just can’t carry on like this. And wish I had acted years ago.

@Timemayhavecomenow Oh, this really does sound familiar to me. I can hear how exhausted you are, and also how much you’ve already been carrying and compromising to keep the peace.
I’ve been through my own difficult journey, and I want to share this because I remember feeling exactly that fear of the future that you’re describing.
For over 15 years, I relied financially on my ex-husband. I had no job, I had two children, and I had no close friends because he never allowed me to have friends. For years, I felt like I was living in a cage, constantly frightened about what would happen if I ever had to leave him and the house that represented everything I knew.
I postponed the decision to leave so many times, for so many different reasons. The children, money, the house, the future, the fear of not being able to cope — there was always another reason to wait.
Until one day I realised that I no longer recognised myself.
I was truly unhappy. I felt like I was wandering around the house like a ghost. I cried many times in front of my children because I simply couldn't keep everything inside anymore.
Eventually, I realised I had two choices: I could choose him and continue living a life that was making me so unhappy, or I could choose myself.
And guess what? I chose myself.
It was the best decision I have ever made.
I’m in my 40s, and my job doesn’t give me a huge amount of money. My life certainly isn’t perfect, and I still have challenges, but I live in peace now. And that peace is worth more than I could ever explain.
My children are grateful for the life they have now too. They are free to be themselves, have their friends around, make their own choices and enjoy their lives without that constant fear and tension.
So when I read what you’ve written about dreaming of your own home, where you and your children’s friends can visit and everyone can relax, I really understand that feeling. Sometimes it isn't about wanting a bigger or better life — it's simply about wanting a peaceful one.
Please don't be hard on yourself because you haven't taken the next step yet. Fear doesn't mean you're weak, and it doesn't mean you won't be able to do it. It just means this is a huge decision, and you've got a lot to consider.
You don't have to figure everything out tomorrow. You don't even have to make a final decision today. But perhaps start by talking honestly to one person you trust. You don't have to carry all of this alone anymore.
And please remember: being in your 50s does not mean it's too late. You still have so much life ahead of you. You deserve to know what it feels like to wake up in your own home and not have to worry about someone's mood, reaction or criticism.
I can tell you from my own experience that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know how impossible that light can seem when you're standing at the beginning of it, but it is there.
And if it helps, I’d also love to offer you a private founding-member spot in Rebuild & Rise. I’m keeping the founding group very limited and feedback-driven because I want to build it around the real experiences, fears and needs of women going through exactly these kinds of life changes. There’s absolutely no pressure — I just think having a safe and supportive space while you work through your next steps could be really valuable.
Whatever you decide, please don't forget yourself in all of this. You matter too. ❤️
I chose myself, and I can honestly say today that I am so grateful I did. I truly hope that one day you’ll be able to say the same.