Can’t cope and don’t know what to do

[Ticktockk]

I have a child (12) with SEN. This holiday they are really, really tricky. Harder than I’ve ever known. They really struggle with the lack of routine, and everything is making them anxious and upset. They then lash out and either scream and scream, or hurt me or their sibling. They can’t control their impulsive behaviour.

My other child is 10. They are having the worst time. Every activity is dominated by the 12 year old’s behaviour, whether that’s at home or out. They try to help at times, which often escalates things so they then feel like I’m telling them off when it all goes wrong. But mostly they’re having such a shit time that they’re turning into a bit of a monster - quick to anger, rude, and very sad.

I’m literally at the end of my rope. Im struggling so much. We’re due to go on holiday next week and it’s going to be awful. They’re both looking forward to it so much, and would be devastated if we cancelled. But it’s going to be terrible. My husband will be off work and there too, but despite him trying it generally all falls to me.

I just want to run away.

You need to tell your DH to step up.
Then manage expectations of you and your DH.
Arrange now how you will handle flash points.
in my house with similar issues but more DC it was;
A) wake up times
B) meals
C)leaving to do anything
D) bedtime

Agree a rota between the parents of who would do which days of mornings, who would sort out the stuff whilst the other did the kids, agree on what was allowed (ie a fizzy drink or not. Desert or not etc)
Pre warn kids about what was happening. Who was doing what and what their jobs were.

Try and find time to split them up and enjoy the separately. And also talk to them before hand about what would help to lessen arguments and listen and do what they suggest (if reasonable).

If DH wasn't engaging I would seriously consider think of ending my marriage. Selfish fucks aren't worth the while.

One To one marking during the holiday. Massively helps.

also if you can get the 10 year old into camps and stuff he wants to do with his friends. Do you live in a situation where he can just go out and call for local friends?

I found grandparents quite helpful as well.

Dh is great, but works away a lot so it’s usually just me. Grandparents can’t handle the SEN child and the other one feels a bit fobbed off if I send them off to their house. I think I might have to do this tomorrow though for all our sanity, so it is a good idea, thank you.

I’ve tried to find a club the youngest will do, but they’re not really up for it - I think they’re just a bit anxious with everything at home.

I write a routine for my sen child every night before bed, even little things like going for a walk. It’s a bit tricky at times being dominated by times but it makes life easier. Wake up, breakfast, morning activity etc. The holidays are definitely hard for a different reason to term time. I also try and separate the dc a bit so one is at a play date another gets 1-1 time for example.

Thanks, I need to get back to doing that. Will do a timetable today. The eldest is too SN to go to play dates. This is part of the problem - there is no break or respite at all