How do you manage it all? A plea for help.

[LiliaLilac]

I feel like I'm so incompetent at managing my life and drowning in it all, and I want to know how you all do it.

I work full time hours over four days, which works out as 8am until 6pm Tuesday - Friday. I have two children aged 5 and 2. The five year old is at school and the 2 year old is either at nursery or grandparents for childcare. Drop offs are a nightmare as between my husband and I (and our one car) we have to juggle two school / childcare runs and our commutes. We usually have to leave the house before 7am and aren't often back before 7pm.

I am an accountant, my job is hugely demanding, I very often have to log back on late in the evening to work. My employer is relatively understanding / flexible, but I have to meet very demanding targets. The work is never done and hangs over me.

I have an elderly cat and an elderly dog, both of whom need daily medicine.

My house is a disaster. I spend every Saturday trying to get on top of it and yet every week there are piles of laundry, piles of dishes, mountains of "stuff", nothing ever feels really clean or sorted. It's an old wreck of a house, a good bones sort but needs so much work and there is no money to do it. There is nowhere to put drying laundry or the ironing pile, or to store toys and the kids' equipment etc. The garden is a huge, rambling mess with weeds taller than my head. I cry regularly at how overwhelming the cleaning and tidying feels. I can't pay to outsource it because we are aggressively saving for renovations. I manage a corner and feel like I'm fiddling while Rome burns.

The children are absolutely lovely but it's the usual carousel of appointments, activities, meals and mess. The 2yo still regularly wakes in the night.

I can't remember the last time I felt I could come downstairs and read a book once they're in bed. I can't remember who I used to be. I think I was fun. I now think I'm just grey and overwhelmed all the time.

I am being assessed for ADHD on the recommendation of my GP, but I don't know if I have it or if I'm just struggling.

How do others do it? How do people have tidy homes and organised schedules and nice calm, peaceful, regulated lives? Why am I so utterly useless?

You are doing too much OP. You have a 2 year old that still wakes in the night. Work less temporarily, at least until little one goes to school.

I’d be tempted to sell the house and buy one that is fully done up and easy to live in.

This.

What is the big old house with huge overgrown garden for?

Your children don't need it. You don't need it. Renovations will cost thousands and you'll be living in a building site while your children are growing up, with endless builder stress, mess and money draining away.

If you live in a low maintenance three-bed house, all that stress is eliminated and you'll have much more disposable income/could work part-time/easily afford a cleaner etc etc.

A big rambling house is just a massive heavy physical, mental and financial weight. It's not a "dream" or "forever" home if it's a nightmare in reality. Shed the weight and enjoy your life with your family.

Others have made some brilliant suggestions. Here are a few more (I have two kids and work full time as does my hubby - both in long stressful jobs).

1. Hyper organisation. Seriously. Skylight was a revelation.
2. Keep one room tidy even if the rest of the house is a mess. You can retreat there and be calm - we do TV room and our bedroom.
3. Adopt a bit of a one in one out policy. Kids have so much crap - so get rid when something comes in.
4. Create a schedule (see point 1) with your hubby and share tasks.
5. Stop ironing. For the love of God stop ironing.
6. Create a menu for the week - decision fatigue is real.
7. Buy birthday/non occassion cards in bulk. Do the same for a few gifts. Birthday parties become easier.
8. Prep tomorrow the night before. Kids are always dragging their feet - don't fight this - getting ready will create a clearer mind for the next day.
9. Have back up plans for when life throws you a curve. Discuss the week ahead and say 'if the kids get sick I can stay home Tuesday and Friday' for example. Have something in the freezer to just put in the oven if the day is becoming too much. Batch cook. When you cook make four.
10. Get a cleaner. This also helps with picking things up and staying on top of things.

Good luck.

I dont have a garden to take care of anymore but I second the suggestion of a strimmer if you dont already have one - when we did have a garden, my husband used to go to town with it. He actually used to cut the grass with it as it seemed to do a much neater job than the lawnmower we had, especially on smaller, awkward bits of lawn.

Throw away loads of stuff. Be quite ruthless

Save for reno another day, you need to redistribute cash now. Gardener to hack it all down then maybe a grass cut every so often. Buy an outdoor bench w storage underneath so you can sit and have a coffee outside when it's nice and also shove kids toys underneath

If you have a shed, stick a tumble dryer and a chest freezer in there. You can bulk cook when bothered or buy lots of freezer meals
If you don't perhaps try and get someone in to build a pergola/covered area you can stick a heated dryer or something

Audiobooks in the car, book a small holiday, you need snatches of time to recentre so you have enough in the tank

Sounds really bloody difficult. Can you throw away loads of clutter so tidying is easier?

Another idea is you take it in turns to take the children out for a few hours whilst the other one focuses on a big job e.g. getting on top of the garden or taking loads of things to the tip.

Either move house, big old houses are money pits or stop saving so aggressively and pay for a cleaner and gardener.
Definitely stop ironing.
Adjust your expectations.

When my kids were that age I had a cleaner. The night she came we would have a combined effort to put everything away so she could just clean. She also did ironing for me. I had a tumble dryer as well. I used the slow cooker or the timed start function on my oven a lot. We at the same meals on repeat and doubled things up often. E.g spag bol and he leftovers turned into chilli for Jacket potatoes another night. Roast chicken and then chicken curry another night. The best thing I did was find people with slightly younger kids who I could pass on massive bags of hand me down toys and clothes to. I just didn't have to time or the tolerance to deal with selling it all online and all the time wasters. At weekends we took turns for a lie in. It was exhausting but it get easier quickly as they get older.

Can you remortgage for any really urgent renovations rather than save??

I agree that is the thing that can change to
give you more space to either go down on your hours or up on outsourcing help.

Also big YES to taking some holiday without kids and enlisting friends / family to come and help you with a big house reset / decluttering.

I work full time, 5 days a week, have a 2 and 4 year old and am generally exhausted and overwhelmed. A few things help a bit. I have a cleaner once a week, it makes a huge difference and might be worth slowing savings down slightly (though we have a big, rambling Victorian house and did major renovations last year and it was really worth the expense and hell, our house is just so much nicer and works much better for us). On a Saturday morning, my husband takes my elder to art class and my youngest to the park, they're out of the house for 90 mins and I have a bath, a quick tidy and start on lunch in peace, I really value it.

The big one that allows me to stay a bit on top of life is brutal. I get up at 5 so I've got a couple of hours to work and sort life admin or the house as the children sleep. Sometimes I just have a coffee in We also co-sleep as my 2 year old wakes in the night and it's much less disturbing to my sleep if I can give her a quick cuddle for a minute without getting out of bed.

totally agree with this! I struggled feeling like you when my kiddos were that age too. It does get easier when they are both in school (as it's only one location for pick up and drop off).

What renovations are you saving for? The cost of building work is ever increasing, so if you can afford to, pick the work in order of priority and get the top one booked in to be done as soon as you can. New bathroom needed because it doesn't function well, get it booked, new kitchen to modernise it but its ok as is, wait a bit. etc.

A skill I learnt much later than I wish I had - every evening, set a timer for both your H and you to clean/tidy - an hour max! Then you get done what you can, then you have my full permission (you don't need it lol) to sit and relax together. Home is each other, not the house you live in.

I am an accountant, my job is hugely demanding, I very often have to log back on late in the evening to work. My employer is relatively understanding / flexible, but I have to meet very demanding targets. The work is never done and hangs over me.
Stop logging back on in the evenings. Just leave it until the next day. The more you finish, the more your employer will keep loading more and more work onto you, just because that is what employers do.
You have to 'managing upwards'; meet with your line manager to discuss the workload, push back, delay some projects, insist they re-allocate some tasks, or insist that you need more staff. Repeat as needed. When deadlines are missed, point to the notes of the meetings and say "I told you so. I told you this would not get done" (not in so many words of course).
Then you 'manage downwards' by delegating. The higher you get, the less you 'do' and the more you 'manage the doers' Are you delegating effectively?

I have an elderly cat and an elderly dog, both of whom need daily medicine.
This will be a self-limiting situation. How long is their life expectancy? Be prepared to have them put down when the time comes and don't drag it out because of your emotions.

piles of laundry, piles of dishes, mountains of "stuff", nothing ever feels really clean or sorted.
Get a dishwasher. Everyone loads their own plate and cutlery after they have eaten. Even a young child can be trained to do this.

Get rid of the stuff. Devote a weekend to binning it, just go round the house with a black bin liner and chuck stuff. Most kids have far, far too much stuff. Their toys and clothes are often too wrecked for charity shops, but if stuff really is in good condition then chuck into bags and put charity shop bags straight into the car. Don't leave the bags in the hallway or elsewhere, put them in the car.

Then going forward have a new charity shop bag always 'on-the-go' in the bottom of a wardrobe, so whenever you find a piece of clothing is no longer needed, it goes straight into the bag, not back into their wardrobe or drawers.

It's an old wreck of a house, a good bones sort but needs so much work and there is no money to do it.
Make peace with living with it just as it is for the next ten years.

There is nowhere to put drying laundry or the ironing pile, or to store toys and the kids' equipment etc.
Get a tumble dryer. Most clothes don't need ironing - put on a wrinkly t-shirt and you will see that in 15 mins your own body heat has made the wrinkles vanish.
Google an ironing service for smart 'office' clothes (shirts and trousers).

Get plastic tubs for storage.

The garden is a huge, rambling mess with weeds taller than my head.
Pay for it to be cleared, then pay monthly during the summer for strimming and mowing. Let everything be strimmed down unless it is an actual bush. Forget having 'flower beds'.

I can't pay to outsource it because we are aggressively saving for renovations.
As others have said - this is what needs to change.

The 2yo still regularly wakes in the night.
Sleep training? Make it a priority to get them sleeping through.

I can't remember who I used to be. I think I was fun. I now think I'm just grey and overwhelmed all the time.
You will be fun again. This is just a phase of your life.

To echo someone upthread, lower your expectations. I would make your day not out of the house working, the day for appointments and getting on top of things - one week do some laundry, another week batch cook and freeze meals, another week clean. Kids don’t need to be out doing stuff all the time and you need to be able to breathe - and have some nice time at the weekends where you’re not just doing chores. I would also say, whilst others are saying take a holiday, i would actually take time off work to focus on getting your youngest to sleep through the night. It may just be me, but I would lose my mind if I werent able to sleep… and, good luck - it does get easier

My top tip would be this. When you’re feeling completely overwhelmed and stressed, literally sit down on the floor with the kids and give them your attention for 15 mins. When they know they have your attention, 15 minutes of undivided mum time goes a long way. Yes, you’ll have to get up and get on with stuff but it will make a difference to know you’ve been with them, really there for them for that time. Hang in there OP. Once you have put some changes in place and found a routine that’s slightly more streamlined, things will hopefully start to feel easier.

You’re far from useless but you have a huge amount on your plate. If you can’t outsource the cleaning at least, you must have no time to yourselves.

You’re existing rather than living and must barely see your children or have valuable time with them if the weekends are spent cramming in all the household stuff.

Sod the saving for now. Get a cleaner and a gardener. Cut down your hours. This time is too precious to spend it flogging yourself and missing out on these wonderful years.

I don't think it's you, as in you're not managing, I think that does sound like a lot and must be genuinely challenging. I sympathise with the elderly pets, they add a new dimension.

You need help (in the nicest way!). Renovations are all well and good but how could you add that work to the already overwhelming list? I'd hire a cleaner ASAP. I'd also make a list of handyman jobs and get those done. You just need to keep your head above water for now. Keep a to do list and just keep adding and crossing things off as you can. I guess you and your dh can't work from home much? If you could even both do 1 day a week you could use the commuting time on that day to do your laundry etc. I also work condensed hours the same pattern as you but I do not work extra hours over and above my 40 per work (ok sometimes if there's a genuine emergency but then I would take the time back in lieu). You're subsiding your workplace by working for free and you're showing them they don't need to hire more people as you'll pick up the slack. Again - a to do list separated into "today", "this week,", "at some point" might help. Agree with others that the driving situation might need some change - it's not efficient for you all to be out of the house at the same time. Does your dh also work condensed hours? If not surely he can start/finish 1 hour later than you?

I think this is very good advice.

No it wasn't passive aggressive. In any event, the OP has now clarified the matter.

It just struck me that the other early comments had all been about how the OP could do things differently to make 'her job' easier, and nobody asked about her DH.

You need to do whatever you can to keep it together while your children are so young. It's the hardest thing in the world to go to a demanding job on broken sleep. I've been there with the 12 hour days, and the relentless rushing about.
You need to declutter, ruthlessly. Watch Marie condo, it won't be a fast process. One cupboard at a time.
Lower your standard. Couples with mismatched standard of tidiness are a recipe for disaster. If your DH doesn't mind a messy garden but you do, you'll never be content.
Once your pets pass don't get new ones. Mess and cost. Sort your life out first

A lot of sympathy. You’re clearly not useless if you’re juggling that much, and I’m sure effectively for the important stuff (kids, job). I have a similar set up but not quite as much pressure - work 4 days, dog, cat but neither on meds, only one toddler. A non working day with a toddler isn’t much chance to get stuff done, as you’ll know. Obviously things will improve if you keep that working pattern when youngest goes to school. In the meantime, as others have suggested, I’d urge diverting some renovation funds to making your life easier now. It doesn’t sound like you’re happy with your house / garden at all as it stands, so I personally couldn’t stomach aggressive saving to take on even more house or deal with it becoming a building site. We cope with a weekly cleaner (best money ever spent), infrequently outsourcing gardening and wfh allows for laundry, which may not be possible for you. Something has to give; I really don’t know anyone who “does it all” in the sense you’re trying to - doing all housework themselves for a family of four, working full time hours out of the house, and looking after a toddler one day a week.

As others said you need to stop aggressively saving for renovations at the moment and focus on your wellbeing. Get someone in to strim the garden, get a professional declutterer in and a cleaner even if it is just an one off deep clean. Are you both really attached to the house? Would you be better off getting a ready to move in property that is smaller until life is a less hectic. Renovations are stressful with young kids. Can you stretch to a cheap runaround car (but obviously safe) so you can split the drop offs and commutes. I know this will eat into your savings but your wellbeing is more important