Explaining estranged GP to children

[JG24]

How should I explain to my child that I don't see my estranged mother?
I was going to just not mention it but they've just asked about her
They have one grandma and grandad together and then another grandad so I think in their little head they wondered where the grandma that belonged to that grandad is
I just said all families are different, some people have 2 mummies and some people don't have any grandparents etc etc
But I'm now thinking how do I talk about it when they get older?
The story is my mother brought me up but then kicked me out at 16 and I've seen her a handful of times since. She's estranged from everyone in the family so there is no reason for them to ever meet (fingers crossed).
When they're older if they ask do I just say she wasn't a very nice person so we don't see her?

My DD was 5 the last time she saw my mother (mother's choice). She is almost 12 now and I have another DD who is a baby. I have always been honest with elder DD but framed it in a way that was age appropriate more or less but she has overheard a conversation or two over the years as my mother cropped up (being a twat) more than once through other people.

I've always framed it in a way of " My mother isn't a very nice person so we don't see her." It's never been an issue and she has only outwardly asked what she is like once which was recently and I was honest about it.

I think just keep it simple and tell them that she is unkind and that you no longer see her.

I told mine my Dad wasn't very nice and he did some mean things to people. If people in your life keep beinv mean to you, you don't have to see them. Or words to that affect. 6 year olds, they occasionally get sad they have no Grandad but accept my answer

Thanks both, I'll keep it simple. And hope their paths never cross!

Just tell an age appropriate version of the truth. With my eldest (who was actually close to my mum before we became estranged) I’ve told her that her granny did some bad things and had an opportunity to apologise and make things right so we could be close again, or not apologise and choose not to be in our lives. She chose not to be in our lives, and while that’s sad, the most important thing to me is that I only have good, safe people in their lives. I’ve made it very clear that it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with her issues and poor decision making.

My younger one who is 8 has honestly never asked. My dad was estranged from his dad and it never occurred to me to ask either. I just knew that he wasn’t a nice man and we didn’t see him. No big deal. I didn’t care. I had lots of lovely people in my life so didn’t feel like I was missing out.

As your mum has never been around, I’d just keep it simple and say she isn’t very kind and wasn’t a good mum to you growing up and that’s why you aren’t close now. Emphasise the lovely relationships you do have that you want to model. Kids care a lot more about what they have than what they don’t have.

Whatever you do decide, maybe speak to your dad so you are on the same page if they ask him.

We’re NC with DH parents. When DD first asked if daddy had a mum and dad we said yes but they’re not kind people and so he doesn’t see them. It’s come up a few times since, family trees at school etc, and she gets it. We spend time with friends and family who love us and who we love, not people who are mean.

Do you add them onto family trees?

Good point about talking to my dad. I'm not sure what he'd say without asking him.

My children have never, and hopefully will never, meet my dad but my son, who’s 4.5, has asked quite a few times about him. He likes to talk about familial relationships and how Grampy is linked to uncle John etc, so it makes sense. I literally do just say ‘my dad isn’t a nice man, he was very unkind to mama when I was a child and so we don’t see him’. I’ve told DH, my mum and my husbands parents that’s my approach so we’re all on the same page and that’s quite enough for now I think. I wouldn’t acknowledge his existence otherwise, and certainly wouldn’t put him on family trees etc.

I know a family whose father was not nice
to his daughter, she told her children that their grandfather was not nice to her as a child. The children took it on and decided to not have a relationship with their grandfather. He recently passed away. At the funeral, all of his other grandchildren spoke about their wonderful grandfather and appeared as a close and loving family.

I do not know the other grandchildren, they are all grownups, but the adult grandchildren I do know, feel they lost out on a level a family engagement that was out of their hands.

I also have a family member who is NC with her mother, my sister. She has a 5 year old who is questioning why she can’t see her grandmother. It is a sad and difficult situation,
which needs to be handled very carefully.

No. I left it up to DH as they’re his horror show family and he said just leave it blank. In time when it comes up again we’ll say more and there are facts, like their names, but our DC are still young.

I have this. Simple convo not nice to me. I have said when they are adults it is up to them if they want a relationship but while they live under my roof they cannot see them.
they have lost having grandkids in there lives growing up so for me that is the best karma for being horrible people

Maybe he wasn't abusive to his other kids? Do you think she should have visited twice a week to facilitate a relationship with a man who'd tested her so badly Holi

There is absolutely no risk of my child meeting anyone who likes my mother. I am not exaggerating to say she has fallen out with everyone in her life.
And no one we know will attend her funeral. I doubt we'll know when she dies tbh
The decision at 16 to go NC is one of the things I am most confident in.

Well, when my parents divorced she didn’t want us to see my dad’s parents. They’d seen us a lot. We asked about them. Mum just told us they’d emigrated (untrue). She never said anything bad about them though.

The same for my niece, who I support 100%, and have contact with. She even changed her name at 16.

My sister, nieces mother, is in deep pain, but she is selfish, has no self awareness and calls me regularly lamenting that she has NC with her DGD.

My post wasn’t a challenge. The family I spoke of, my SILs family, the situation is very sad and painful. At the time I thought the AC shouldn’t have gone to the funeral. But they did. Just caused more pain.