What is the worst birthday a partner has ever arranged?

[Rumbleinthecrumble]

Inspired by reading another thread I thought it might be funny and cathartic to share truly awful birthdays arranged by a partner - could be current, I imagine will mostly be an ex.

Mine was organised by an ex-bf: I was told he’d organised me a surprise day out for my birthday. We set off quite early, no time for breakfast and drove for over an hour before reaching a wildlife park, he said we’d come because I liked monkeys so much. I had never expressed an interest in monkeys before or subsequently.

We wandered around for a while in quite stifling heat, before I asked if we could get something to drink/eat. He hadn’t planned for lunch and wasn’t aware what was available - it turns out nothing as all the cafes were shut on a Thursday outside of school holidays. Eventually we found a gift shop that was selling bottled water and I went in to buy some much to his annoyance - when I asked why he was annoyed he said I was making a big deal out of nothing and spending too much on a bottle of water (by this point it was gone 2pm and I’d not had anything to eat or drink all day).

When we left the park around 3 I asked what we were doing next and he told me nothing, he thought we’d just go back to his house. I asked if he had anything to eat in and he said no, so I asked to stop at a chippy on the way back and went in to get us some food. He refused to let me eat it in his car, when we arrived back at his house I realised he’d not cleaned it for weeks (he usually stayed at mine) and his cats litter tray was overflowing and stank.

There were no clean plates or glasses, the food I’d bought was cold. I ended up cleaning the kitchen whilst he sulked on the sofa because I’d told him the kitchen was a health hazard. Upon going to use the toilet I found a tribute to Jackson Pollock, and his bed had no pillow cases on the pillows, no duvet cover on the duvet and the fitted sheet was hanging off the mattress. When I opened the wardrobe to see if there was clean bedding inside I found a clothes moth infestation (I hate moths).

I didn’t get a birthday card (he forgot) and my present was apparently the trip to the wildlife park because “tickets weren’t cheap” and he’d “paid full price” for them.

Ugh. I am glad he's an ex!

I think what upset me with my ex was the contrast between our birthdays. It came to a head one year when she enthusiastically listed all the things she was fancying for hers - a fancy hotel break over a long weekend, plus some other bits - and I pointed out she'd got me some bits costing about twenty quid in total and I didn't feel up for spending hundreds on her. 'Oh, it can be a holiday for all of us!' was her take.

The last birthday when we were still living together (and we were in the process of splitting up) she let our daughter, who was six at the time, wrap up some new kitchen spoons and a jam jar as a present. Obviously I made a huge fuss of how lovely they were and how they were just what I wanted, but DD isn't stupid and it really broke my heart seeing it dawning on her that this wasn't a particularly nice present. I thought that was a really cruel thing to do. It would have been better to do nothing.

No partner has ever arranged a birthday! Doesn't bother me!

Am I the only one who would hate someone to arrange my birthday for me? 🫣

I think that’s fine if it’s the way your relationship is, some people aren’t bothered by birthdays, some people hate surprises. But if you’re the willing recipient of a thoughtfully planned day out for your own birthday which includes the basics of food and drink, activities you actually enjoy and card/presents it’s not outside the realms of possibility that the person who planned that for you might want/expect something similar.

I’m genuinely not a grabby person, I’d have been happy with chips and a battered sausage at the seaside which is what I told him, and exactly what I got the following year (no more, no less). Yep, I stayed in that one for way longer than makes any logical sense!

.... it’s not outside the realms of possibility that the person who planned that for you might want/expect something similar.

I don't agree with that. A gift is only truly a gift if it is not given with expectations of something in return.

It may be that your partner comes from a family where making a fuss of people on their birthday is simply not a thing. I know my OH did - they did not bother with Christmas, birthdays or anything.

Mine was also an ex. For his bday I’d taken him for a really posh meal, said not to look at menu prices, just choose whatever. He chose a pre-starter, starter, main, sides, most expensive beers and the most expensive dessert. Totally fine, I wanted to spoil him. It cost over £250 for us both and I’d only got a main and no alcohol. Plus I’d got him a few little gifts to unwrap. For mine about 5 months after his, he got me a weird neck thing for cycling (I didn’t cycle, he did) which was about £10 on Amazon and said he was taking me away to a hotel. He’d booked the hotel for about 2 weeks after my bday because apparently it was a cheaper rate than my actual bday night, so on my actual birthday we did…nothing. He said ‘oh I thought you could order us a takeaway.’ Right, cheers. When we arrived at the place, it was fine but more along the lines of travelodge than anything fancy, also said he’d pay for our (£60) dinner. Then later asked me for a contribution because my 3 glasses of wine had been too expensive. It wasn’t about the costs, although the disparity was obvious, it was the lack of planning, the stinginess over wine, and the lack of thought. For context, I’m a single mum on min wage, but had saved and budgeted to really treat him for his birthday. He had no kids, owned property and had a very well paid job. His stinginess kept on showing up so we didn’t last much longer!

This wasn’t for my birthday but was meant to be a special treat, arranged by a now-ex when I was on my gap year before uni. I’d been away for almost 3 months on a wildlife conservation project in Europe and had been living in a tent, along with a load of others doing the same (all had our own tents). While I was away we spoke a few times on the phone and he said he’d planned a special weekend away to welcome me home. I was so excited as I thought it would be a nice hotel. It turned out to be…a weekend away camping. Honestly I could have cried, I never wanted to see the inside of a tent again at that point! We broke up before I went to uni and it was absolutely the right decision.

My exh loved to ruin events. Every birthday, Christmas, holiday etc. but his best one was the first birthday I had after I fled from him with the kids. My mum had passed away two weeks before in a very traumatic way. Exh found out where I lived and hand posted a daughter card with just the word cunt in it. Spiteful nasty immature scummy prat.

Why is hoping for a nice birthday always "grabby" on mumsnet like women deserve nothing. I detest that word.
My ex husband made sure that any birthday I ever had was entirely for him never anything Id want.
Foe example a trip to see the 80s band OMD that he knew full well I loathed. Id told him that enough times. Got to that particular "surprise" and my heart sank. He had a lovely time. I wanted to be home in bed.
Always the cheapest gift possible. One time he got me a plastic bangle. One plastic bangle!!! Still in a paper bag. Not wrapped and no card.
If it was an expensive gift then it was obviously something he wanted like a telescope. He knew damn well I had no interest in it.
Another time it was golf clubs that he exclusively used.
Im glad that selfish bastard has gone. That was just the tip of the iceberg.

Haha - I am the guilty one here. For my partner's 50th, I was leading a trip to Greece with my students (not terrible, but not what she would have chosen) and for her 60th, I was leading another trip to Greece with a few very difficult people and the night before her birthday we ate in a dodgy place, arranged by our useless guide, and she got horrific food poisoning. Even worse, we were traveling on the actual day, so she couldn't rest as much as she should have done. She is a lovely person and bore me no ill will. She did have a lovely time this year, however (chosen by her!)

Another way of looking at it is that you model the behaviour that you’d like to see in others - kindness, thoughtfulness, empathy.

Not all of our learning comes from our home environment. We are able to evolve past the behavioural norms learned when we were growing up.

Completely understand not being someone who wants a fuss made on their birthday - in order for a partner to know that they’d need to verbalise it. He enjoyed having the effort made for him, he never said “I don’t want to celebrate my birthday in any big way, please don’t go to any effort.” I would have adapted my approach based on his needs/wants.

I was very clear that birthdays were important to me - I always take the day off work for example - and he still made zero effort. It wasn’t about the cost - it was about the amount of effort put into considering what I might like. He did have it in him - for our first Christmas as a couple he bought me an incredibly thoughtful gift and after that they became less and less considered and random, buying someone a sat-nav when they don’t have a car?

You might say that he got uncaring presents when he was a child, but that would spur me to be the opposite of it, rather like people who were beaten as children not wanting to hit their own children. Do better. Aim higher.

It may be that you need to accept that you are going to have to be really explicit with your partner about this. "For my birthday I would like X and to by taken out to Y". I think sometimes that knowing your partner sets great store by these things can feel daunting and even paralysing because you fear you will get it wrong.
By the way I associate the idea of "modelling" with children not grown adults!

A few years ago. I was pregnant and hadn't announced it and at the 12 week scan found out the baby had died and was waiting for surgery to remove. My birthday was that weekend and I said I just wanted to do something small and quiet, just family and kids because I was so sad.

Husband in his infinite wisdom decided what I needed was a SURPRISE PARTY to cheer me up. Except all my mates didn't know I was pregnant and why I was so sad. Anyway this surprise was revealed to me about 25 minutes before the guests arrived, husband showed up with bags of food and basically fessed up. Said I've got a load of people coming round, I've got all this food, I wanted to make it really nice for you but I don't really know what I'm doing so you'll need to cook it all.

So I had to stop what I was doing and do all the cooking for a houseful of people who didn't know why I kept crying, all the while I still felt really sick from the pregnancy hormones. Spent all afternoon waiting on everyone hand and foot whilst they got really drunk. Then the next day had to clear it all up.

In retrospect I think I was just so grief stricken I was in shock so went along with it so as not to be rude to husband who in his stupidity thought he was doing a nice thing or my friends as I didn't want to have to go through telling them I was pregnant-not-pregnant, especially not on my birthday. If that happened today I'd text them all to cancel.

I did tell friends after to never, ever accept an invite for a surprise party from my husband again. I'm sure he tried to organize one for a recent milestone birthday and everyone said no so I got the day I wanted, just a quiet lunch.

Well, there was the boyfriend in my university days who decided to take himself off for a solo bike ride on my 21st birthday. When I next saw him (this was before mobile phones and the web) I said I'd been hoping we could have done something together and he went off on a rant about how everything in his life wasn't about me and he didn't see why he should be my entertainment convenor. Yes, I dumped him on the spot, but relented because it was easier with us being on the same course, and it wasn't until after we graduated that I managed to get rid of him.