Am I destined to be miserable forever?

[sparklysquashy]

I’m 45, perimenopausal for 5 years. Not on HRT due to endometriosis. I’m Diagnosed AuADHD. Married with 2 children. Employed full time (hanging on by an thread) and generally hate life.

Over the last 5 years the joy has gone. I have zero patience for anyone’s bullshit anymore. My children are constantly arguing with each other or me. My husband helps out a lot with the children but we don’t have the greatest relationship. He's always saying I’d be happier on my own and to be honest I probably would.

We are all currently on holiday at an all inclusive beach resort. I don’t own a swimming costume and I don’t intent to either. I haven’t worn one or been swimming in 15 years as I’m far too self conscious to wear one. I’m miserable and bored out of my mind sat in the roasting heat all day on my own for the past 5 days while they swim in the pools. I’ve been so burnt out with work and life I just needed a holiday so badly. But this wasn’t it. I don’t know how to relax or have fun anymore. I just want to go home.

I hate being miserable. I don’t want my children to remember our family holidays with me being like this. But I literally don’t know how to relax and enjoy myself anymore.

I’m not trying to make this a sob story and don’t want to have a bunch of replies from people saying they wish they were in my shoes because that’s just not helpful.

I just want to know if this phase in life will get better? I’m sat on the beach almost in tears wondering if there’s a point in carrying on anymore or would I be better off not carrying on anymore.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Does it get any better? 😔

I’m sat on the beach almost in tears wondering if there’s a point in carrying on anymore or would I be better off not carrying on anymore.

Can you clarify whether you mean carrying on anymore in your marriage, or if you're contemplating suicide?

Sorry, it's not clear.

Firstly:

You can make improvements, in the short term, medium term and long term.

But they won't just happen.

Your swimming costume/too hot comments stood out to me. If you are hot, why not go in the pool? If you do not want to go in the pool, then find another way to get cooler or accept you will be hot.

Choose something now you would like today. An ice cream, a book, a view, a nap. Anything! Pick it, tell the kids you are looking forward to it, do it, force yourself to notice something positive about it, tell the kids you're enjoying it, mention afterwards that you enjoyed it.

An ice-cream won't fix your life. But you can still appreciate an ice-cream.

I also suggest meditation instead of thinking. It is so much better being calm than being grumpy.

Well, you're definitely in a difficult situation.

I'm 52, an autistic single mum in (probably) menopause right now, and HRT is definitely keeping me functioning. But things are definitely tough- work has picked up a lot, my 16 year old is being awful to us and I might have to throw him out, and I also feel I'm hanging on by a thread.

It's tricky when at least some of your situation is out of your control.

But one thing I have to ask is- why, why are you on a resort holiday when you obviously don't like them?!

But also yes if the feelings are truly overwhelming - then just letting yourself cry and accepting where you are may be what this holiday is for.
And if by carrying on you mean overall, please call the Samaritans and offload.

Hey OP. As someone who doesnt want to be in a swimsuit or swim-how did you end on a holiday focused on that which was likely to leave
you hot, uncomfortable and dissatisfied? Did you sacrifice your own wants for the others? Get railroaded into it? Not think about it before hand?

Are there any parts you enjoy? Evening
card games, food, sight seeing
etc?

i think holidays bring a lot of pressure and can be disappointing for a lot of people. I think that can be ok as long as you use it as a come to jesus to slowly make small changes to move through this once home.

what can you let go of, what no longer serves you, what brings you joy that you dont make time for?
a bath once a week, a chapter of your book a day. Clean sheets on the bed. Are you getting some
exercise each day-and daylight. Do you take vitamin d and drink enough water. Small small
steps.

*We are all currently on holiday at an all inclusive beach resort. I don’t own a swimming costume and I don’t intent to either. I haven’t worn one or been swimming in 15 years as I’m far too self conscious to wear one.

You are being a martyr. So many women have 0 confidence, but at some point, you make a choice and start enjoying yourself or be miserable.

Buy swim shorts/ tankini, wear a simple black swimsuit, or just a high rise bikini. I assure you, no one cares. They either too self-conscious about their own body, running after their kids, or just enjoying the attention because of their own perfect body. It's not people you will ever see again anyway!

I just want to know if this phase in life will get better?
only if you decide to make it.

Of course you are miserable if you are on a beach, too hot, uncomfortable, bored when you could just be chilling out in the water and in the sun.

I look awful in swimming costumes, but I’ve found the shorts and a full bikini top hides a lot and once you’re in the pool it doesn’t notice what you’re wearing.
I don’t think many people are that body confident really ,but there are things you can do and just think, you’ll never see any of these people ever again either , so just get in there and cool off.
DS 2 is overweight and it worries me, but he went swimming on holiday and didn’t care. If people judge that’s their problem isn’t it. Find a costume that suits you and go for it. I know it’s hard. I hate summer and feeling overweight so I can sympathize, but for every beach body you’ll find most are fairly normal or a bit overweight and they don’t care and go swimming. You see all sorts on holiday.

I’m 45, perimenopausal for 5 years...Over the last 5 years the joy has gone. I have zero patience for anyone’s bullshit anymore.

There is a definite link between peri/menopause and having no patience any more. Maybe acknowledging this link can help you distance yourself from it a bit - its not you, its your hormones messing you about.

I know you say you have no intention of buying a swimsuit because you are self- conscious, but honestly, denying yourself the pleasure of a cool swim does seem a little daft.
Nobody at the resort will care what you look like, and so what if they do? They don't actually know you feel self concious and are probably wondering more why you are sitting there all hot and bothered instead of getting in the pool or the sea.

Tap into that 'zero patience for bullshit' vibe and get in the water.

Please speak to your GP. Sounds like you have some depression. You also benefit from therapy of some sort. Maybe not CBT as thats not really targeted for neurodivergent individuals.

Clothes are not a magical filter either. You might hate yourself in a swimsuit (and many women do!) but your body is the same, and you look the same with or without clothes.

People will notice someone with clothes on, clearly uncomfortable. They pay 0 attention to someone too skinny or too plus-size.

It's ruining the kids time on holiday to see their mum hates it, it's ruining their holiday if you are that miserable and make everybody put up with the bad mood.

Wear a cover up unless you are literally in the water, but there' s no need to suffer. Bad enough women can't go in the water when they have too heavy periods and they have to stick to shorts for a few days (heavy periods are a thing).

If you are determined to be unhappy, you will be; when you beat yourself up you just end up beaten.

If you are determined to find the joy in life, then you will. It is a choice you have to make but when you do, your own mind will start looking for more joy. Have a google of cognitive distortions.

I have had a mastectomy, I hated myself in swimwear before so you can imagine how insecure I am now!!
but I’ve decided to not give a f**k.
if some one wants to stare or comment I let them.
I can guarantee you don’t look worse than me with my big tummy and one boob!!!
also I can’t have HRT cos of my hormone treatment so like you I have the double whammy.
Is your DH understanding of your insecurities?

Try to think about good things not bad things all the time. Get a swimming costume, there comes a time when you just have to not care what anyone thinks, go in the pool and cool off, or go to the bar and have a cold drink, or an ice-cream. Ask about sights to see locally and go see them. If it's a beach resort just go and paddle in the water, get up early and go for a walk while it's cool. Do whatever you need to pull yourself out of the miseries, even little things help treat yourself, it doesn't feel like it but there is a choice so choose trying to enjoy yourself. I think we have all been at that low point, don't accept that you can't pull yourself out.

Op go and find somewhere to buy a cossie and just get in the water with your kids and dh

only you can make yourself happy it’s nobody else’s place to buy making them unhappy isn’t fair.

don’t wallow on the beach,tell yourself that’s it now,you are going to make positive changes to your life and thought process starting now.

being around positive happiness rubs off the same as negativity so go be with your family in the pool and cool down and enjoy there moments.

when you get back home you can start to look at how to make your life happier which will have a positive effect on your family aswell.

it’s important for you as a person

enjoy the holiday for what it is
time with your people,nice food and atmosphere ,live in the moment or youl spend the rest of the holiday kicking yourself

You get to decide what is a choice and what's not.

Have you been to the GP to discuss therapy (psychological and medication)?

Ultimately you get one chance at life. If you cant lift yourself out of this depressed state and therefore dont have the ability to make a choice, then its time for external help.

I have AUDHD and have been on SSRIS for years. It made the world of difference. If anything 45 was tough but not a patch on 50. So you need to get this under control.

Children dont forget. Equally they dont give a shit what you look like in swimming gear. They just want you. Dont let this drag on as you will regret it.

Future holidays should take into account your wants and needs- clearly a beach holiday is not your cup of tea. This is a recipe for disaster. Perhaps consider your next holiday a bit more carefully?

Take a huge part of each day just on your own.

I would buy a long legged, two piece bathing suit and float on the sea for hours. No one else in your family needs to know. I did this and I also spent time in cool forests.
Eat your favourite fruit and drink iced water.

You deserve a few hours every day to refresh. Make it a habit and a regular thing, to spend part of each day satisfying yourself.

Why did you choose to go on a beach resort holiday when you don’t wear a swimsuit or enjoy sitting in the sun?

Make the next holiday your choice of destination and activities.

The immediate problem can indeed be dealt with by buying a swimsuit and accepting that people just aren’t that interested in your body. They really aren’t.

Longer term, have you talked to GP about how you feel?

Would you rather go on an excursion? You don’t have to be by the pool or on the beach if that’s not your thing. We are socialised so hard into putting everyone else first it comes as a shock when menopause kicks in and everything feels different. What would a holiday look like if you could do whatever you wanted?

Any decent shops where you are staying , or maybe a bus to the local mall or something like that to find a swimsuit? If you have many more days like this you may regret it ( although I do understand how you feel about yourself and wearing any kind of swimsuit I find really hard) I don’t like being in one, but it’s a necessary evil and once you’ve cooled off you may feel better ?

If you’ve reached the point where you are purposefully denying yourself the refreshment of the pool and happiness with your children then you need serious help OP. You deserve more. Please reach out to someone and make a step towards therapy.

Are you somewhere with a Decathlon? Rash vest and swim shorts might be more comfortable for you?

You sound like you're on the verge of an autistic burnout tbh.

I really think you need to find a way to stop 'hanging on by a thread' at work, whether that's looking for a new job, going part time - or both.

I was watching break fast tv in the UK this morning and the presenter was in Plymouth. Behind him in the background walked two ladies with their sea swimming gear and both were just normal people, not particularly slim or young and just got into the sea in front of a lot of tv cameras and off they went! I thought ‘ good for them’ . Didn’t wait for the people to go away , but obviously just wanted to get into a cold sea for their morning swim.
I don’t think I could have done that tbh, but kudos to them. They didn’t even acknowledge the camera crew!