Tell me about your 16 year old.

[Friendslikethese123]

Those of you who have or have had 16 year olds, specifically the age where they've left school, will be starting college. How much do you still support them? Do they have part time jobs? Are they able to deal with their own admin like college applications, job applications?
My child in a nutshell puts no effort into anything. They are a good kid, never been in trouble, liked by teachers, good hobbies and sports etc. Has a few friends and a partner. But, did nothing for their GCSEs, wants a job but won't put the effort into looking for one. Has messed up the few job applications I've found and got him to apply for as just rushed through the application and did things wrong. Has missed important info from college as doesn't check or read emails properly, and obviously I don't get the emails from college anymore like we did with school.
I'm just at a loss as to how to get them to be more responsible.
By 16 I had a job, funded myself, asked for nothing off parents, saved for what I wanted. Sorted my own shit out etc.
How long do you financially support them for example? I give my child money every month and have for a while, but now they are 16 and will be going to college, since they don't seem to put much effort Into anything, I'm starting to begrudge this and feel like telling them im stopping Thier money. Not immediately. Maybe give them a time frame like a few months time or something. Is that reasonable? Or am I being unreasonable?
Struggling with this new chapter, and not wanting to fall out with my child, but on the flip side don't want to be a mug and let them just be lazy etc and not gain any life skills.
Hoping theirs other mums on here in the same boat or have been though the same. Thankyou 🙂

Both mine have dyspraxia which in their case impacts executive function / organisational skills.
At entering college I absolutely had to do all the admin.
For work experience as part of college courses I helped them word emails and cvs.
By the time they finished college they were both much better skilled, DD1 independent, DD2 not quite there but has more needs.

Been there with my son, who is now 24 and independent.
I tried not to fall-out with him, but was frustrated who’s laid-back he was about his college-work, finding a part-time job and basically not engaging with any tutors or adults who were trying to help him plan his future.
It was a frustrating ride, I won’t lie, but I just helped him with all applications and kept checking up with him
aniutvhid foreseeable-work etc.
It was a bit of a war of attrition. They do get more motivation as they get a bit older. They don’t want to look foolish in front of their peers.

Mine is 17. She does volunteer work because that is required for her career path. She takes her education very seriously, but still struggles with life admin. She has ASD so executive function issues are normal, but I also don’t find it unusual for a teenager to find it hard to navigate the onslaught of information. We see adults on the very site every day talking about having trouble keeping up with the school emails and all the other life admin they need to deal with.

We will support our child financially through university. We will do our best to offer her some support with graduate school.

Are you expecting too much perhaps? You’re comparing him to you but he isn’t you.
My 15 yr old wouldn’t be capable of those things. My 18 yr old wasn’t at 15 either but by 17 had a job he found himself and started to be far more responsible.

He’s also very young not to support him financially unless you can’t afford to. I pay for a lot for my oldest and he’s an adult with a part time job, waiting to attend uni.

DD has AuDHD and GCSE was a disaster with plenty of therapy, anxiety attacks and burn out.

So we didn't push for a job as she would have been in no place mentally to do it.

She did plenty of volunteering with the Scouts since she is 14 and that already is a lot.

She is now at uni, during 6th form she helped plenty at home and between A-levels and start of uni she did chores like cleaning, laundry, shopping, running errands for us. For that we continued to pay her, the same as she is doing now while at home since the end of the first year.

We just finished a call with Student Finance about her loan, she was utterly overwhelmed with the call and also with other admin. She is very good with day to day uni but anything complicated is still a lot for them.

My 16 year old DS has a part time job. He’s a mixture of being quite independent and still being a silly boy at times, but I guess that’s how growing up works. He’s not sure whether he will do 6th form or college, depends on his results. He could be a bit naughty at school, we got the occasional phone call home, but nothing awful. He’s just got a girlfriend and has today gone overseas to stay with her and her Grandparents for a few days. Our oldest DS is very independent and capable, 19 going on 25, but know they’re all different and I would say my 16 year old is fairly run of the mill

As I found, kids just don't read emails. They are completely foreign to them

I helped my ds write his cv, and showed him how to write a covering letter.

I helped him compile a list of likely employers nearby and how to email them all. Then how to follow up with a phone call after a week. When he finally heard of an opening, I drove him, that same afternoon, with an extra copy of his cv & certificates, to the employer and made him take them in and ask at reception.

Once he had his job ( and actually believed it was happening) he's been pretty motivated. He just needed a handhold to get him started.

OP, I think there are some different possibilities here. Your DS might have some challenges with executive function that are neurodivergent or might not. What is your gut instinct?

It is also possible that they have not required independence due to you/DF doing a marvellous job of managing all life admin for them. You'll know if you have if you are brutally honest. In this case they might be perfectly able to do these things but unmotivated due to not actually needing to because you will make sure they have a lovely life with plenty of everything without them having to take the lead ever. They have an experiential deficit and need you to withdraw your support, gradually if you are patient or renegotiate more drastically.

Both these sets of circumstances seem incredibly prevalent these days and reliance on parents seems to last much longer than it did.

Does he help around the house? Can he plan his social life? Does he have lots of friends and activities outside the home?

For example, if he can't make a meal/use the washing machine/get himself somewhere under his own stream you are in a different position than if he can function perfectly well when he needs to with friends but then suddenly seems baffled by life admin that doesn't interest him.

Personally I think helping your kids involves slowly phasing your help out of the equation from the start. Once they can do something for themselves, generally don't do it for them.

My daughter could put her tights on herself at 2, her friend's mum was still removing his socks after school when he was 8. At 14 he is disappointed at his lack of freedom as his mother thinks he'll never manage to get back by himself at 9 and DD is out on her bike/off with friends with our blessing. Neither of them have any mitigating factors and there are definitely children out there who wouldn't manage, but being able to do stuff for yourself develops confidence and self motivation where having it all done for you might not.

Do you feel he has genuine difficulties or a lack of practice driving his own life? The advice is a little different if he has specific challenges to overcome but either way you need a plan to start handing over the reigns, starting with your most pressing irritation and moving from there.

Mine is 17. Suspected ADHD and ASD (awaiting assessment), not working currently but held down a part time job over Christmas. He’s much more dependent on us than DS1 was at the same age, struggles to organise himself, use his own initiative, needs waking in the morning or he’d be late. Needs social skills support

We fund him, as in pay for his gym, phone, bus pass. He gets an amount to cover his college lunches. He doesn’t go out much outside of college (his love is the gym), so doesn’t need loads of money

I don't think there are any issues in terms of neuro diverse etc.
I feel it's just pure laziness! He doesn't really help round the house. Will do a chore if asked specifically over and over. Can cook and sort his own food. Is quite street savy really. Goes out a lot. Sensible. Good hobbies. Can organise himself for things he wants to do.
Does struggle with concentration. English is awfull. Can read but doesn't, and I'm convinced it's because he struggles. He can't read things and take the info in. Hes much more practically minded.
But it's like he wants everything handed to him on a plate. Like he thinks a job will just be handed to him. Doesn't understand that he needs to make the effort looking for jobs, sending emails etc.
Maybe it's our fault for doing everything for him in the past, but I thought thats what parents do for young children.

Don’t compare to what you were like. Me at 16 and my son at 16 very different but I had it easier. I was able to get part time jobs much easier. Things are stacked against them now.

My son has a second interview tomorrow for a HR apprenticeship - I helped with the application and we have gone through a lot of interview prep together. There’s no way he would have done it else.

Will I be doing this at 18? Absolutely not. Tbh, they’ve just left school, they need some help. They’re just not as independent as we were. I’m 37 and times have changed.

My son is set for some good GCSE results. He got totally pissed after his prom - wasn’t too impressed tbh, but I was far worse at his age for that sort of thing.

If he doesn’t get his job tomorrow - he will have to find a part time one for when he’s at college. I can’t keep funding him, but jobs are hard to come by round here.

Basically what I’m trying to say is, I do provide a lot of help still. But they’ve just left school. They’ll be a lot more mature at 18.

If he's just finished GCSEs I'd say give him a break.

Lack of effort for exams would make me furious but I'm not sure about the other stuff.

I still help ds with all college admin etc but he is getting better. We're fairly relaxed about him getting a job as I doubt he'll have time when he starts his a-levels so we're giving him an allowance and he's learning to manage that.

I think getting a job now is really hard for them (going by what I hear in the news etc) not quite as simple as walking along the high street and dropping a CV in and chatting to the manager.

If he really needs a job then the only way he'll make an effort is if he feels some pain (ie. No money).

Don't make the job applications your problem.

Tbh I still struggle with admin and time keeping. Something to work on but some people just come out in a sweat when they see a ‘form’. I spelt my own adress wrong on the last one I had to fill in. But I’m highly educated beyond degree level and am emotionally intelligent. Everyone is different and have diff strengths/ weaknesses

Thanks for all the replies. I do understand it's different times now and it's harder for them, but if you do nothing, your definitely not going to find a job are you!
You are all right, he is young still. Maybe I'm being too harsh.its just the lack of effort from him that worries me.
I might not place as much emphasis on getting a job, but think I'm at least going to say if he still wants an allowance every month he's going to have to start chipping in more at home with chores etc and if he doesn't the allowance stops.

What is he doing next? I hope from what you have said a BTEC not A levels, he may fly.
Have you see the 'bouncing back from gcses, in praise of BTECs' thread and the BTEC support thread on the Further Education board?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/further_education/5484007-bouncing-back-from-poor-gcses-in-praise-of-btechs

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/further_education/5485310-btect-levelother-vocational-2526-part-2

My dd is 16 and just left school, she’s awaiting for assessment for audhd.

she acts younger in many ways and really struggles with organising herself, hates reading because she struggles and can’t concentrate.

she will be starting college in September depending on grades.

she works part time as a volunteer in a local cafe, I have a contact who runs the cafe and as soon as dd expressed interested and asked me if I could perhaps help her to apply I did.

the thing is, kids don’t all magically hit the age of 16 and suddenly become functioning, organised mini adults. I’m still not and I’m nearly 50.

Ive four dc and at 16 they all still needed help and support in many different ways from a nudge to a push, even if was filling in a form, help with a phone call or applying for a job

Don’t expect them to quickly find a job either, the job market is brutal for 16 year olds. I never expected mine to get a job at 16 as I preferred them to put all their efforts into college, made that mistake with ds, he got a job in maccies and eventually dropped out of college to work there. if they did find a job then great but it wasn’t expected. I didn’t stand there with open hands holding out money though, couldn’t afford it!

your ds is 16 not an adult, just pull back a bit

Mine at 16 (youngest is now 18) weren't keen on jobs! One had a temporary Christmas job, but hated it and was happy when it ended. Youngest is capable of admin but very poor at getting round to it unless nagged a lot (and that's now, 2 years after being 16!). I would give them money but not much as I couldn't afford it, but I didn't feel an urgency that they should be looking after themselves more in order to be more responsible. To be honest, I suggested looking for a job many times, but considered them students first and foremost, and so didn't really stress over it.
Fast forward and eldest is very together, with a very good job and living in another city. Youngest still a student and that's the main focus at the moment.

You don’t sound as though you like him much!

16 is very young. It’s highly unusual to be independent. They just don’t have the skills or experience. My 16 year old is a wonderful human being who’s had a really tough adolescence and some huge health challenges, so not typical. She is mature, responsible and sensible but she just doesn’t have the skills, confidence or experience to manage life without support.

I also have an almost 19 year old and ime the 16-18 years are about building these skills and make a huge difference.

You sound as though you are expecting unrealistic things, and also as though you are judging your dd very negatively, putting the most judgemental and negative spin on things. Reframe it? Instead of ‘he expects things handed to him on a plate’ try thinking ‘he needs scaffolding to work towards a goal’. Instead of ‘he wants a job but doesn’t do anything about it’ think ‘he needs supporting to break the task down’. If he’s never had a job, how will he know how to approach an application or navigate the process? He needs support to build those skills and his brain is still developing.

My 16 year old has a job but he didn't have to make any effort to get it (his sibling already worked at the pub and recommended him when they needed someone). Now he's got it he works hard but I can imagine he'd have needed a lot of support to get it.

I think you're expecting a bit much OP. It's harder for teens to get jobs than it was in our day. He sounds like a very normal 16 year old to me.

You don’t say how old you are but I’m 44 and being 16 was far different in our days. For example my best friend had moved out of home at 16 and I think that was quite common. I agree with other comments that you are expecting far too much from him. Especially getting a job. The job market is brutal at the moment. And if he’s lazy and not doing chores at home then that’s a you problem. You raised him.

My 16 year old got his job cause he was recommended by his older brother. Not sure he would have got something otherwise

My 16yr old daughter is starting an apprenticeship in September, she's done all the contacting, admin and organising of things herself. She handles her own education, though she is home educated so has more autonomy over that. The only thing I might need to help with when she begins is getting her there sometimes, depending on what time she will start as there are no buses at the earlier times. She'll start driving lessons when she can though.

She also takes care of all the laundry, feeds and cleans up after 2 out of 3 pets, she's left with two of her siblings twice a week and together they wash and dry up, put everything away, tidy the living and kitchen areas and she'll do any other odd job that I ask her to do.

I was working full time at 16 but didn't have any responsibilities at home so though there are some similarities, she does more than I did at that age and deals with it well.

Trigger warning for ED: Mine is bordering on recovery from anorexia and has ARFID as well as ASD and ADD so is a bit different. She’s very much dependent still as I do her full meal plan for her at her request as she acknowledges that she wouldn’t if left to it. She also has a very rigid daily routine so college is still a way off unfortunately. She can cook and shop and budget etc not to mention she knows the ins and outs of running a farm but admin is not her strong point without guidance due to dyslexia.

I don't think it's fair to say I don't like my child or that it's a me problem that I'm struggling to get him to do things like chores. I wouldn't be concerned about them or asking for advice otherwise. I've said they are a good kid, good hobbies. Does sports, never in trouble etc.
I'm suprised that people don't think it's important or it's treating a 16 harshly by expecting them to have revised a bit for exams, and maybe be putting some effort in to looking for a part time job now when they are only going to be in college for three days a week as not doing a levels, doing a course in a practical trade.
I'm aware it's hard to find jobs now, but don't see the harm in spending time and putting some effort to at least starting to look for a job. Not expecting them to magically get a job instantly. I'm aware it may take a while so starting the process now would be a good idea
Maybe I will just leave them to it then. I've previously given lots of support and guidance. Tried to help with revision, spent hours making simple revision tools for them to use, they never did. I've helped do CV, job applications and stated what's important to include etc, all because they were the one stating they really want a job. But they haven't really listened to my advice or done anything further about it.
But from the sound of it this is normal then maybe. I just thought now they've left school they should start the transition of being more responsible, learning that in life sometimes you have to spend time and effort doing things you might not feel like doing. But if the general consensus is that they are too young for this then maybe I'm being too harsh here. A lot to think about now how I go forward with this so thanks for all the comments all.