Struggling with autistic adult son at home. Desperate for help

[QuaintBeaker]

Have cross-posted this on the SN board... but thought i might get more replies on here.

Really struggling with ds1.
He's autistic, dx at 6 yrs old. He's now 21.

I don't want to drip feed, but there's also a LOT of info and it all feels really complex and confusing. So I'm going to lay out the basic issues and can give more info if relevant, on request.

So basically he's been out of education for around 2.5yrs now. Tried unsuccessfully to get a job. Accepted into a supported internship program which starts this September.
This, plus some issues with his UC, are causing heightened anxiety and an increase in his controlling and aggressive behaviour.

He has become increasingly controlling, judgemental and paranoid over the last year or so. For example he's decided that our TV remote has to live in a particular box so that it doesn't get lost. He aggressively enforces this with his youngest sibling. If we don't put the remote where he wants then he will take it and refuse to give it back.

He has recently stolen the back door key from his other sibling's key chain, accusing him of not locking the back door at night. He refuses to accept that DS2 may lock it after he (ds1) goes to bed. Our other back door key is missing, so we currently have no way of getting in or out the back door because he won't give the key back.

He decided ds4 is not allowed to have his football goal in a particular place in the garden and has decided where it needs to go. This has resulted in him putting ds4 in a headlock because he tried to move it and when I got involved he was aggressive and swinging the goal around and being scary.

He has previously pushed me over when I've tried to prevent him from standing in front of the TV while ds4 was watching something (stemming from the remote not being put away where he wanted).

This list could go on... it's exhausting. If he was a partner this would be abuse and I'd be told to leave him

I want him to move out into supported living, and he has recently had an appointment with lifelong services BUT:

I don't think he can cope with moving out and also starting his internship.

He tends to very much downplay his struggles, which means he doesn't access support he's entitled to.

He really hates people helping him, even me.

I live on eggshells. I've had input from the police, capa first response, social services, carers support... but nobody can help me with the ultimate issue.

I love him but I hate his behaviour. I can't live with him and I hate what his behaviour is doing to his siblings. But equally I also understand that his perception of things is very real to him and that he thinks he has very good reasons to do the things he does.
If i force him to leave home my fear is that he will become even more isolated than he already is and will end up in an incredibly bad place mentally.

How do i best navigate this? How can I meet everyone's needs? I just want him (and us) to be happy in life and it feels like I'm failing everyone.

I'm a single parent. My parents help out where they can but are getting older.

I also have another son who is currently living with his dad because he can't stand being around ds1

Sadly, DS1 is going to struggle in life. That's the sad reality of his autism and lack of insight at this stage. He hopefully won't struggle forever but remaining living with you won't prevent him from struggling. He does need to move out, and it makes little difference whether it's now or in a year. I would not pull back from the plans for him to leave just because of the internship. Hopefully he will be close by and you can continue to support him.

Forget his internship he is controlling and bullying his family! This cannot continue. You will have to get the ball rolling with supported accommodation and get him out. Otherwise your other children will leave as soon as they can to get away from him, while you’re stuck with his controlling behaviour. I’m not sure he’ll even keep that internship with such a bad attitude. Work won’t make special allowances just because he’s autistic. They will get rid of him while on probation.

How old are your other children and how do they cope with ds1 being allowed to control the household in this way?
what was your response to ds1 physically assaulting ds4 and his pushing you over?
does he have any remorse for his violent behaviour?
more importantly does your other dc have some other safe residence?
does ds1 realise if he puts a colleague in a headlock or pushes them over because they’re not following his demands, he’ll get arrested?

I'm sorry things are so tough. I don't have much practical advice but it sounds like he would be happier living in an environment away from siblings and vice versa.

I think you have to prioritise. Maybe the independent living is higher priority than the internship? It's about all of you, not just your son.

You're letting him control the family. Phone the police next time he touches any of you. He needs to move out before your other kids all leave.

The others are 18, 17 (living with dad) and 12

We've had the police out over the aggressive behaviour. Ds1 refuses to come out of his room/ pretends to be asleep

I'd suggest that the independent living is a priority. If he can also cope with the Internship , great. If not, get the independent living sorted as a priority over everything else (imo)

He needs to move out. He is too violent to be around children. It's a serious safeguarding issue.

Then you give the Police permission to go into his room and "wake him up"

Echo what others have said - I’m very sorry this sounds like such a tough situation.

one thought that crossed my mind regarding the back door though, is whether he realises that it’s a fire hazard that only he is able to unlock the door? Is it worth mentioning that to him or would it cause further issue?

sorry I know that doesn’t help the wider situation you’ve asked for help on. Sending you much strength.

I've got SS involved after I contacted a domestic abuse service locally, they're aware of the risks to the other children

Honestly he needs to move out for the welfare of your other children. Also as you’ll be aware it can be very hard to access supported living - so if he refuses it now then he may not get another chance for a long time!

Would he let you speak to the supported living team on his behalf, so that you can explain the full extent of his needs?

Watching with interest on behalf of my friend who is widowed and lives alone with her 32 year old son who is now so controlling that she is 'not allowed' to go upstairs or across the road until he says so. No assisted living round here and he can't manage alone (although he drives) as he has absolutely now knowledge of or ability to comprehend paying bills or running a household.

So a 21 yo adult male has a child in a headlock over a garden toy, and you and the police didn’t want to wake the adult up to face consequences because he pretended to be asleep?!
does the 12 yo have somewhere else safe?

Yes he can stay with his dad or my parents

Yeah the guy doing the assessment for adult services said he's going to talk to me alone and ds1 was OK with that.

I have no idea how long it might be for him to get a space or what's available locally, we're just right at the beginning of this. So it could still be ages before he's able to move out

Are YOU kidding? Do you think autistic people shouldn't face consequences for assaulting other people?

Why should the Police NOT be called if the person is violent? Could you explain please?

A disgrace?
so he’s ok to assault children and others with no consequences?
no you’re a disgrace and an insult to those with autism for saying that.

It might be easier for your kids to cope knowing that there’s an end in sight at least if he starts the process. Plus gives him time to get used to the idea.

I don't have much in the way of advice I'm afraid. I just posted to say you are not alone. I'm struggling a lot with my 25 year old and it's tough.

There isnt that much help out there as you know. Most realistic course of action is for your other children to temporarily move out for their safety and wellbeing while you push the move to the accomodation thats on offer for your son.

Once he's in his own place you and social services will be able to see how he is doing and go from there.

Its not perfect. Its about as far from perfect as its possible to get but its the best that's on offer these days as anyone who is actually living it knows.

Do everything you can to get him into the supported living place asap. The work /intern placement can wait for a while. He has to learn to control himself and negotiate, not lay down the law, with others. He may not want to go, but it needs to be explained to him clearly, but firmly, that he HAS to, because he has made the rest of family unsafe. Expect pushback and have some safety strategies in place. The police sound useless. You might need to be more directive with them and tell them you want to press charges, which I appreciate is very difficult for a parent to do. The police deal with difficult, uncooperative suspects all the time, many of whom are autistic. They should know what to do and it isn’t nothing.
If the SL place falls through or takes too long to arrange, perhaps he could go and live with his dad and your other son come home?

You can't allow this to go on @QuaintBeaker. All your DC except your Ds1 must be moved for their safety . You are the adult here you have to take responsibility for their care , also it sounds like his behaviour is escalating and that's a huge worry . Good luck.

It would make more sense for your autistic son to go to live with his Dad while independent supported living is arranged, so that your other children can live with you and have a calm home life together. If the father has one of the sons living with him now why don’t you agree that son should move back home and your autistic son stays with his father for now?

I appreciate he won’t like this and the move will be disruptive for him, but ultimately it has been necessitated by his own behaviour and he will have no choice.

This way the immediate safeguarding risk is removed, and although it’s a change in environment for him it will be less disruptive for him than living in a house with 4 other people who do things that he finds difficult to cope with hence the attempts to control, and it may also encourage him to engage in the application process for supported independent living. It’s also safer, if he is exhibiting aggressive behaviour, for it to be his father dealing with it than a woman and children.