My daughter (Year 8) is getting into trouble at the school I work at

[MicDoyle]

I work at the same school as a teacher. I dont teach her.

She has a tight group of good friends. Some of her friends do not get into trouble at all.

The issues are disregarding uniform- tuck the shirt in. Don't wear mascara. I have taken away two tubes and her friend applied her mascara in the toilet.

Chatting in the lesson and then arguing that it wasnt her.

Wanting to go to the toilet during lesson time amd out of her seat.

I am at my wit's end. I know it is not ideal to work at the same school as my daughter. However, my younger daughter is joining in September and she has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy. I want to be close by as she has some health issues.

Because I am at the school, I know exactly what is going on with DD1. I feel sad and embarrassed that she is acting like this. She was in Set 1 for everything in Year 7 but now she is in Set 2. She is bright but her behaviour let's her down. I am worried it is going to affect her GCSES.

She says that she was a neek in a year 7 and she is happier now because she has friends. Teachers tell me she is popular. She definitely can stand up for herself. Some teachers are worried that she is drifting into the wrong crowd.

I have tried to give her every opportunity. I am strict. I have taken away her phone and iPad. She knows I wont tolerate bad behaviour.

In the beginning, she was deviated when she received a 45 min detention....now I am worried that she no longer cares.

If anyone has any advice, I will be extremely grateful. I want her to be respectful, kind and do her best at school. Being rude and disruptive is awful and I dont know how to get through to her.

It sounds like the school are getting on at her about so many silly small things that they’ve got nowhere to go when they need to deal with bigger things and she’s becoming desensitised to it all. It’s a very well known phenomenon in teaching, I’m surprised you’re following the same route at home. Restorative conversations might be more effective as a parent, rather than dealing with her in teacher mode. Bring her in instead of pushing her out. Then maybe she’ll be less desperate to be liked by the in crowd.

Could she move to a different school even if you and dd go to that one?

@IrnBruAndDietCoke It is a strict school. If you are late to AM reg you get a 45 min detention. If you are 4 mins late to classes- you get a 45 min detention..It is an Outstanding school in terms of results and they are clamping down hard on behaviour.
I think you are absolutely right about restorative conversations. I want her to know her behaviour is not OK but I still want to maintain a good relationship. Its getting me down.

@lightreflectingonwater I am seriously considering this. I am beginning to question if it is the right school for her. She doesnt want to leave because she loves her friends....

It’s difficult working in the same school as your child. I moved jobs so that I wasn’t at the same school as ds. I’ve worked with loads of teachers who have their child in the same school as them and it’s awkward when things aren’t going well. It can be very embarrassing for the parent and difficult for the class teachers to manage. I would also consider moving her.

I try and parent behaviour to this quote;
"There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they're falling in."
— Archbishop Desmond Tutu
Is there anything underlying her behaviour, is her self esteem low so she’s doing all she can, albeit badly chosen, to fit in and have friends.
maybe build her out of school network so school friendships aren’t the be all and end all

I think you’d find it easier manage if she wasn’t in the same school as you. You’d be able to separate school and home more easily and it’d ease some of the pressure because there’s no getting away from the situation at the moment. I can imagine home becomes quite stressful when her behaviour has been difficult at school. I also work in a super strict school and this environment definitely doesn’t suit every child.

Is she perhaps acting out because of her sister's diagnosis? She may feel she's not getting attention, be worried for her sister, or be scared that she'll get it too. She could be worried that her sister will have a fit in school, and that she'll be teased for it.

Alternatively she could be acting out to prove she's not the good little teacher's daughter, perhaps there was some bullying when she started, so now she's joined that group,so they don't pick on her. It may have the added attraction for her that you're embarassed by her behaviour.

I think you need to seriously consider moving schools - ypu could tell her that she's not thriving at the school, her school work has suffered, she's getting repeated detentions, so she needs to try another school that will suit her. I imagine she'll promise to change to be allowed to stay with her friends, up to you if you think there's any chance of this, or if you need to move now to get a school place.

A new start, in the right school, could turn things around for her.

So that would be an excellent motivation for her to stick to the rules. Tell her (calmly) that if she doesn't get her act together she won't be able to stay in this school unfortunately. Just state it like a fact.

Wearing mascara and not having her shirt tucked in? Bloody hell, do schools really not have better things to worry about?

I don't think she's become desensitised at this age, more a learning curve.

Oh year 8 girls (I have one) exactly the same, make up, chatting, uniform violations, popular, massive group of friends, treats school like a social club, unfortunately the work gets in the way of a good time, sound familiar?

DD is exactly the same, not vaping, or fighting, or drinking, or anything terrible, just constant low level ‘messing’ from somebody who is basically a good kid. I also have a DS in Yr10 and I can happy tell you that like a toddler, and everything that’s gone before, this too is a phase, and this too shall pass.

I’m firm, and consistent, and she repeatedly commits that she’s going to ‘lock in’ and we have a week of no negatives, and then it starts again…

Hang in there!

Sounds like normal behaviour for her age. You just know too much 😂 turn a blind eye and look out for signs of real problems.

Agree with the other poster that said about being desensitised to it. If you get detentions for minor issues then the fear of it is gone. These are all low level stuff that don’t really indicate any serious behavioural issues. The comment about now she has friends though is something you might want to explore more. Maybe there is a confidence issue in which she thinks people wouldn’t like her if she follows the rules and does well in class. Maybe not the best route to try change schools if this is the case as she might act out more if she feels anxious about trying to make new friends.

How are you finding out about the low level stuff? My mum taught at my school and my teachers used to tell her stuff in the staffroom that they would never have bothered actually calling home for, so it felt as though I was being punished for my mum being a teacher because everything was elevated to the 'getting parents involved' level even for fairly minor infractions like talking in class or silliness that absolutely would have been dealt with in school for anyone else.

I felt such pressure - not only was I effectively punished twice for everything I did, but I was also conscious of 'making my mum look bad' which was a massive additional barrier to me just being myself.

If you both want to stay at the school, I would recommend asking her teachers to only tell you about stuff that they consider serious enough to warrant a phone call home - she deserves to have a 'normal' school life, particularly if your main reason for staying there is for your other daughter's benefit.