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Am I wrong to feel unhappy and trapped in my marriage?

20 replies

CheekyPombear · 30/06/2026 15:07

I have been married 24 years next month and he is 14 years my senior.

Before i met him i lived with my parents and sister in a former ha house which my parents bought outright about 2 years before i met him.

He was going through divorce and had two kids when i met him. I met him at a older colleagues birthday bash.

I wish i hadnt have gone to that bash now looking back.

He has always had to have things his way eg when he bought the first house it was 6 miles away from my family and i hated it. It needed a kitchen extension and he waited 5 years before it got done then he decided he didnt like the avenue and area anymore ( to be honest i hated it) and we left after 13 years.

We moved to a similar but smaller house about two miles away from the first its a nicer area with better neighbours for that im very thankful.

When we bought the second house the solicitor who did the conveyancing added me to the deeds ( land registry) he said he had to because we were married. We wasnt married when he bought the first house.

He bought the first house for £51,000 with a deposit of £5,000 i gave him £2000 towards it this was in 1999. I was only early 20s then.

I have been very depressed and have gained a lot of weight.

My mum died 11 years ago and he didnt even try to comfort me.

He drinks at a pub every single night has done since being together.

His family look down their noses at me.

He makes me feel small i havent worked in years.

I hardly see my dad and sister. They dont like him so dont like calling round.

My late gran warned me not to continue a relationship with him.

Also at christmas fathers day etc im expected to go to his family meals out and his first wife goes at xmas.

He made the decision to wait 13 years after we met to ask me to have a child i said yes but we didnt go through. Its like the ball always has to be in his court.

He has said i might not get anything if i divorce him or if he dies.

I lost any attraction to him years ago.

Am I at fault here.

OP posts:
SoScarletItWas · 30/06/2026 15:11

It sounds utterly miserable OP. You can’t undo yesterday and the last 24 years. But you can choose to start making things different tomorrow.

He’s wrong that you won’t get anything. You’re married.

You deserve to be happy. I am certain your depression will ease when you’re away from this uncaring man 💐

Ak732087D · 30/06/2026 15:33

I don’t usually comment on other peoples marriages, but I’m going to make an exception this time! It sounds an awful life to be honest and he doesn’t seem to value you. I agree with the previous poster that you can’t change the past, but you can change your future.
Tonight when he’s out go through all your paperwork and take either copies or photos on your phone and then make an appointment with a solicitor to see exactly where you stand financially and then get the ball rolling regarding a divorce.
Speak to your sister and tell her what you’re doing, you’ll need her support because it’s going to be hard going and he sounds like he’ll be spiteful……stay strong and think of your future. Promise yourself something nice, just for you, when it’s all over …. a holiday or a spa day etc.
Good luck OP, it will be worth it, just start today.

Eyesopenwideawake · 30/06/2026 15:39

The best time to leave him was 24 years ago. The second best time is now.

Go and see a solicitor, take your freedom in both hands and live the rest of your life in peace.

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erfanclub · 30/06/2026 15:41

How old are you now? You sound groomed.

Italiangreyhound · 30/06/2026 15:42

It is totally NOT your fault. He sounds like an insufferable bore and a dreadful man. Get legal advice now. Your new life can start when you leave.

MegMortimer · 30/06/2026 15:43

I think that you need to get a job and gain some independence, then leave him.

OutOfApricots · 30/06/2026 15:47

Eyesopenwideawake · 30/06/2026 15:39

The best time to leave him was 24 years ago. The second best time is now.

Go and see a solicitor, take your freedom in both hands and live the rest of your life in peace.

This, 100%.

You have been in an abusive and controlling marriage the whole time, so it is no wonder you are unhappy and feel trapped.

KojaksLollipop · 30/06/2026 15:51

You sound bloody miserable, you can’t go on like this. If you’re miserable now, imagine your life in 10/20/30 years, leave him, to make future you, happy.

OutOfApricots · 30/06/2026 15:53

That solicitor who did the conveyancing for house purchase no.2 did you the most enormous favour by insisting you had to go on the deeds. I bet they could see exactly what sort of person your despicable H is, and they wanted to protect your interests. Hooray for them.

ArabellaWeird · 30/06/2026 15:57

You might be unhappy, but you're definitely not trapped. Don't tell him, make an appointment to see a solicitor, and take everything you know about your joint financial set up with you. Earnings, debts, pensions etc.

Ask what you'd be able to expect in a divorce settlement.

Work out what that is going to best look like for you going forward, get your head around it, and set yourself free. You've no kids to think about, just you and what you want. People get divorced every day, this is what it's for. It's the biggest favour you'll ever do yourself.

JustJugglingCats · 30/06/2026 16:05

Wow, how exciting, you have realised how much time you have wasted on this pathetic excuse for a human. That's an excellent first step. Your whole free future is just around the corner!

Start applying for jobs this afternoon, right now in fact and when he goes to the pub, take copies of every document you can lay your hands on. Make an appointment with a solicitor because you are most definitely entitled to things. Ignore what he says, he wants to keep you under his thumb. And although you may be sad you never had children, think of it as a blessing, it is much easier to take yourself off and be wonderfully free without having to consider children.

You have taken the first, hard step of starting to talk about the situation you are in, talk to your sister, dad and friends, tell them your plans, I am certain they will all support you! Come back here and talk to us if you feel a wobble, for sure we are all rooting for you!

notatinydancer · 30/06/2026 16:07

This will be hard

  1. get out
  2. get a job
  3. get divorced
  4. start again
ETA I know none of this will be easy. Can you go back to your Dad’s? Why haven’t you worked ? Did he tell you that you didn’t need to ?
CheekyPombear · 01/07/2026 22:39

So I have firm grounds for half of the home and savings?.

Im not greedy I will need somewhere to live too. If he will have enough to buy another property shouldnt I too.

If he will be able to live rent free the same should apply to me also.

He also did a bad thing 9 years ago. My 19 year old cat took very ill one evening no vet was open.

I had a gut feeling she might not last the night she wet herself and he took her in the bathroom and showered her under hot water.

She came back downstairs and i put her in her cat bed. He insisted she stayed in the dining room and i came to bed rather than staying up with her.

She died in her sleep on her own i found her in the morning.

OP posts:
ArabellaWeird · 02/07/2026 07:17

Oh sweetheart, he is a pig. Get yourself away from him. You can do this. I know it feels like the sky is going to fall in if you try, but that's part of the trap you're in. It's an illusion, it's not a real trap.

Make an appointment with a solicitor, don't tell him. He is not on your side, he's not your friend, or your ally. Find out where you stand and what your options are and then do the next right thing, and repeat until you're out and sorted. You can do it.

YellowEllie13 · 02/07/2026 19:59

You deserve so much better than this. You don’t have to rush anything, just try to get as clear a picture as possible of the financial situation and go and see a solicitor. Don’t tell him anything yet. You can do this xx

TheToteBagLady · 02/07/2026 20:03

I don’t usually comment on these threads either, but just wanted to say, please tell your dad or sister.

They’re probably waiting for you with open arms

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 06/07/2026 21:13

Please don't sell your apartment so your new BF can steal all of your money ansd give it to his children.

Oh wait....

OneTealMentor · 06/07/2026 21:22

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 06/07/2026 21:13

Please don't sell your apartment so your new BF can steal all of your money ansd give it to his children.

Oh wait....

This post doesn't seem to correspond at all with any of her other posts

Sky1977 · 06/07/2026 21:51

CheekyPombear · 01/07/2026 22:39

So I have firm grounds for half of the home and savings?.

Im not greedy I will need somewhere to live too. If he will have enough to buy another property shouldnt I too.

If he will be able to live rent free the same should apply to me also.

He also did a bad thing 9 years ago. My 19 year old cat took very ill one evening no vet was open.

I had a gut feeling she might not last the night she wet herself and he took her in the bathroom and showered her under hot water.

She came back downstairs and i put her in her cat bed. He insisted she stayed in the dining room and i came to bed rather than staying up with her.

She died in her sleep on her own i found her in the morning.

He’s evil beyond words
Get yourself away from this vile man

ViciousCurrentBun · 07/07/2026 07:38

Do not tell him

Do not inform him of your plans at all

Gather all paperwork/ get copies Ask your family to collect you and your belongings on a day when he is not around

Contact a solicitor

The starting point is 50/50 but that’s not set in stone, friend recently divorced 45/55 in her DH favour in theory. In practice it gave her more cash as it was an immediate need.

He sounds unpleasant and manipulative, he has absolutely told you incorrect information to make you feel financially trapped.

You could contact women’s aid for advice both emotional and practical. I used to volunteer for a DV charity. Leaving a man is the most dangerous time for women, just be aware.

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