Is egg donation abroad ever truly anonymous in the age of DNA?

[adoptionfeelings]

Is egg donation really truly 100% anonymous in some countries?

What about all these dna services like ancestry? Can they ever accidentally reverse that anonymous status ?

My dsis is going abroad and says it’s totally anonymous but I said to her that she needs to be honest with any child as I don’t think anyone can ever say 100% now?

She's having a child using a donated egg and planning not to tell the kid?

She has only told me and doesn’t want wider family to know, I said I’ll respect that but I’m trying to gently persuade her that this isn’t the best way forward. I also worry for her and the child of its successful that it will
come out at some point anyway due to all these dna services ?

Not telling the child is basically a guarantee that they'll hate you when they find out.

well if that child grows up and does an ancestry dna test,
there’s a good chance it will link her to people she’s biologically related to, which will reveal her Mother’s lie eventually.

No.

This is exactly what I’ve said to her that although these clinics say it’s totally anonymous how can it be ?

There's lots of ways this can come out but yes, DNA / ancestry services is a big one and they are increasingly popular. If she lies to her child and they find out, she may lose them forever - it is simply not worth the risk.

What if the child needs medical attention and it comes to light there are inconsistencies in their blood groups? What of the child inherits a medical condition from their biological mother?

Ask her who benefits from her withholding the truth from her child? I think she would struggle to argue it's for the benefit the kid. She needs to be prepared to deal with the entirety of the decisions she is making, not just hoping to get the benefits and dodge the difficult conversations.

How are they saying it will be anonymous? The child's DNA will be that of her biological mother and it will link her to her relatives (presumably in the country the Mother lives)

unethical choice by your sister.

you’re right: identity of the ‘donor’ (or paid woman, more likely) will not be shared by the agency, but likely could be discovered in the future should any of her adult biological DC upload their DNA to a site and relatives of the ‘donor’ are on there.

No, it’s not really anonymous any more. Anyone doing a DNA test - which are getting more and more common - will find out who is related to them and who isn’t. So she is open with any child about the reality (as she should be anyway!) if she has any sense.

That’s a horrible thing to do to a child. Completely unethical.
Likely they will find out one day too, home DNA testing is so common these days.

Well if her child at some point in the future did a DNA test on Ancestry and some close relation in her donors family also did a test they would come up as close relatives. They could find they have half siblings or cousins, etc. Ancestry also gives a breakdown of ethnicity, where in Europe or further afield your ancestors came from which might not match well with their supposed family.

It is difficult path to follow in some ways you don't want the child to feel different, my mum isn't my biological mum, but you also don't want them to stumble across the information possibly at a bad time.

She has told me I don’t understand that she is essentially adopting another woman’s child and she wants to feel like any baby will be hers not someone else’s, and it’s true I don’t understand but I don’t want to see her or a child heartbroken years down the line with a damaged relationship

Tell her what you think and leave it to her.

Even my 80 yo parents have apparently done ancestry tests so no not confidential at all. But even if they tell the child they presumably wont have medical history?
There is 1 guy abroad who has fathered 1000s of kids. Obviously eggs is less likely but still they could have say 10 siblings if the mother has multiples or donates to other couples too.
i do get it though as older people/grandparents can be a bit excluding about non dna relatives who is to say they may not include in their will etc??

But anyway presumably she cant have her own child so this will be the only choice.

Of course you don't understand and of course it's not fair but that is not the point. She needs to put her child first and be honest. I am not saying it's easy but it is undoubtedly the right thing to do. How can she spend the rest of her life raising a child with this lie looming in the background? Risking that it will come out and destroy her family?

I really hope you can get through to her.

I think it is difficult I can understand the mother just wanting to forget there was any involvement of anyone else, my pregnancy, my baby, nobodies business. On the other hand does the child have a right to know and even to track down the other half of their biological family. If you tell them early will it become known at school, will they be teased about it and made to feel different. If you don't tell them early how do you explain when they are older.

So she is buying genetic material.

I would tell her I don’t approve and if she chose to fall out with me the. That would be down to her.

There’s a brilliant woman on Instagram, I think her handle is becoming mum, or similar.. she has shared lots of content on this topic and the importance of being open with potential children from the outset. We didn’t go down the egg donation route in the end, but found her content extremely helpful in opening my eyes during our research phase. Doesn’t answer your question but could be helpful to point your sister to more information

They may be paying someone to donate eggs or they may be getting eggs from an IVF clinic that weren't used (with the donor's consent). Do you feel the same about sperm donation? If the technology is available for infertile couples desperate to have children to have them with their partners even if only using half their genes then I think that is great thing for them.

I would strongly recommend your sister contacts the Donor Conception Network. She’ll get lots of advice and support there. She’s seems currently very uninformed . All the international evidence suggests telling your child about their origins as early as possible leads to the best possible outcomes. Who else she tells within her wider family and friends is up to her and her partner and they can take their time in making those decisions.
Also, she is absolutely not adopting another woman’s child and if that’s how she sees it, it suggests she needs to get some counselling and guidance before she gets pregnant. She is creating her own child- with another woman’s egg and her partner’s sperm. The child won’t exist otherwise and doesn’t already ‘belong’ to anyone else.

Apart from your sister being completely unethical by hiding her potential child’s ancestry, that child(future adult) will eventually find out and know that she thought they were some sort of sordid, dirty, shameful, little secret. Why put them through that? So selfish.

Becky Kearns on instagram '@definingmum' and '@pathstoparenthub' are brilliant resources re egg donation, I would signpost your dsis there. I absolutely agree that anon can't ever truly be anon in this day and age, there are brilliant support networks out there like paths to parenthub who are well-placed to help support your dsis to explore her feelings re egg donation and think forward to the wellbeing of potential donor-conceived children.

i feel for people who were told
a a couple of decades ago that donation was truly anonymous, before the days of easy DNA tests.
But then I think its completely unethical to have a baby who doesn’t know who his/her biological
Mother and Father is. A friend of mine got a speem donor from the Netherlands and spoke with relief at the time (17 years ago) about how the donor’s identity was totally anonymous. I wonder when her daughter is going
to do an Ancestry DNA kit.

Contrary to what some people think, not all donor conceived people are interested in finding out who their donors were. Some definitely are and do so as soon as they are able to. Others aren’t interested and don’t try to find out, even though they can.