How can I help my 10-year-old manage sleepovers?!

[Conditionerwasher]

Need urgent help pls!
my ds 10 yo has never been able to complete a friendship sleepover.
he’s due to go on a 5 night residential in sept so time is of the essence. Essentially he’s a popular outgoing social boy but he likes being a home and is a mummy’s boy- this is on me previous traumas I’m working on but we are ultra close. He’s stayed at grandmas twice overnight and on residential but was extremely unhappy for three days. He’s has quite a few invites he’s flat out refused and a few attempts of really persevering but ultimately the parents have called me and said he’s near panic attack stage.
that’s where we are. He desperately wants to complete the residential ‘anyone not doing it is a loser’ apparently but he’s been invited to a sleepover this week and there’s been tears tonight about it. I’ve come up with so many things he could try and he can take his phone and call me at any time if needed. I’ve told him to just have fun with the boys unlimited screen time stay up all night but he’s still hesitant- but on the other hand I’ve offered to say I can explain he can’t go and that doesn’t work as he already thinks this ditching sleepovers is affecting his reputation

this is on me previous traumas I’m working on
His, yours or both?
Has he had any talking therapies?

He was involved in an accident when a baby he doesn’t remember I do -this is a minor point I out it on here for clarity but it’s a very small part of the puzzle I am overly positive in front of him and no issues yet siblings.yes I’ve been in treatment

Our son was like this. He always developed a tummy ache at 11 pm and had to be collected.

When he was going on school residential trip we had to warn the school and were prepared to collect him or stay with him in a nearby hotel.
He was a bit anxious the first night but was ok after that.

He seemed to grow out of it then but had similar anxiety when it came to leaving home to go to university for which we got him to see a therapist

As someone else has suggested it may be beneficial for your son to talk to a therapist.

So he stays home??

Honestly, he will just grow out of it when he’s ready, I was exactly the same as a child and grew out of it at around 14/15 I know it’s not the norm but I don’t think it’s that abnormal either. I don’t think there’s anything you can do to make it easier for him, it’s just something that will take time.

Does he definitely want to do the residential? Is there anyway you could volunteer as a parent helper? ( I appreciate this may be totally unpractical), I was so upset on my residential in year 5 the teachers actually suggested I didn’t go on the year 6 one, I didn’t and actually had an amazing time! They organised lots of fun activities and there was about 10-15 of us so I wasn’t on my own. There’s no shame in cancelling the residential if he’s going to be upset the whole time, would it be possible to speak to whoever’s organising and find out how many children aren’t going?

With regards to the sleepovers I would speak to the parents and ask them if it’s ok for him to enjoy the evening but you pick him up at 10 or whenever? Explain the situation and I’m sure they would be understanding, it’s better for everyone to know the plan then you receiving a phone call at midnight and your son will probably find it more enjoyable also ( I remember feeling physically sick the whole evening). He could say to his friends that hes got to be up early for a day out or whatever or maybe even just be honest with them. I was so embarrassed to tell my friends that I used to miss home etc but once I did they really didn’t give a shit and from then onwards everyone just knew my mum would be coming to pick me up, no one cared.

Sorry for such a long winded reply but ultimately what I’m trying to say is that I would really try to work out a way forwards where he doesn’t have to do overnights for the time being, he doesn’t need to tough it out or whatever. I’m extremely grateful that my parents were always happy to pick me up and never forced it. I got over it eventually and moved out by 18 so it’s never had any effect on me whatsoever, it’s a completely normal phase for some children.

I think ten is quite young to be constantly invited to sleepovers anyway tbh! Just accept he isn't ready yet and he can do all that when he is.

The best thing you can do for your DC in this situation (and any similar situation) is give them the confidence and courage to own who they are, to just say to the other kids "oh no, I don't like sleepovers so my mum will pick me up at X time". Owning who you are and standing up to peer pressure will save your life over and over.

My daughter was exactly like this for YEARS. All through GCSES too. It was weird. She would actually throw up. I supported her to get therapy and medication. She had sports trips away with her younger sister and loads of friends and she’d still get in a state.

anyway. She grew out of it overnight as soon as she learnt to drive. She’s now cabin crew. Literally went from one extreme to another. Weirdo.