How can I stop feeling inferior and fearful of others’ judgement?

[Futurehappiness]

I am in my 60s now and I hate that I am still fearful, even at my time in life. I just wish for one day I could feel no fear. All my life I have been scared of speaking up....I have let so many things go that I shouldn't, because I feel that it is expected that I smooth things over rather than take a stand.

I don't even know what 'being myself' even means. I feel that I have been brought up in the idea that my role is to make people feel good about themselves and not inflict any unpleasantness on them. I recall being absolutely slaughtered as a child/teen whenever I had the audacity to be angry about something. It just wasn't worth being angry because I ended up feeling horribly guilty for upsetting people - now I don't even always recognise when I am angry let alone accept my right to anger.

Here I am, dreading going to work tomorrow because I have a vague feeling that I haven't been pulling my weight and I am letting people down. Although I have been doing my job (I am good at my job) I had a few weeks off with stress/depression recently related to the fact that a close family member is dying and I am also having to deal with issues re my severely disabled adult DS. I would say that I was at 80% capacity rather than 100% - which though it just has to be good enough for now, here I am feeling guilty about it. Far more terrible though than my own judgement of myself is that others may not approve of me. My imagination is running wild wondering what colleagues are thinking about me behind my back, in case they complain about me. I have a meeting with my boss on Friday and I am dreading what I might hear about why the job I am doing is quite good enough. Why do others' opinions matter so much to me?

I won't lie....I adore DS but it is a often a struggle to deal with him. I had a situation with him last year on a visit with close members of the family which was severely traumatic and upsetting.....the family were really supportive and understanding at the time but I know they will never want us back. They haven't been in touch & this happened in October. I don't blame anyone, it is impossible for anyone to understand what it is like.

How can I stop feeling inferior, on a step lower than everyone else?

I just wish someone could reach their hand into my heart, locate the fear spigot, and switch it off. But of course that can't happen; I have to do it for myself but I feel so inadequate.

I’m so sorry that at your age you’re still feeling like this. Could you access therapy as a good therapist i feel would really be able to help.

I agree, and think that perhaps you are long overdue for some counselling to help you deal with your feelings. From what you have written here, it appears that your parents were abusive towards you, and that also needs to be explored. You were a child, they treated you appallingly and conditioned you into believing that you were responsible for other people's feelings and must do everything you can to keep the peace and make other people happy. They never allowed you to develop any kind of self-worth.

Thank you both. I have tried accessing counselling though just at the level of offloading what I am feeling. I feel that I need to be clear about what I need to gain from therapy.....eg to not be apologetic about my existence.

I am not sure that my parents were abusive although there were things they said without any inkling of the negative impact on me. I think they did as well as they knew how to do, sometimes they got it wrong. I don't think the times helped....when I was young, it felt as if women were expected to be happy and smiling and create a positive ambience, not much else.

But I got from somewhere (not entirely sure how) to this state of burdensome fear and suppressed anger. I feel that I am dragging all this emotional baggage along with me through a life that just requires me to be strong, confident and articulate. Why can't I just BE those things, what is stopping me?