How can I address my nearly 16-year-old's rudeness towards family?

[Teensteens26]

My daughter will soon be 16. She regularly speaks to me in a very rude and disrespectful way.

She also winds up her younger siblings (aged 10 and 11). She teases them, calls them names and sometimes pushes them in a playful but provoking way. She tends to do it quietly or subtly, so it often isn't obvious to anyone else.

If one of them eventually reacts or says something back, she'll immediately raise her voice, shout at them to "leave me alone" or "stop it", and then tell me they've been bothering her, without mentioning what she did beforehand.

For example, yesterday she was in the pool with her siblings and asked me for an ice cream. I said she would need to get out of the pool first because I didn't want food dropped in the water, and if I allowed her to eat in the pool, I'd have to let everyone else do the same.

She replied, "For f's sake, why?" When I explained, she told me to "f off". I ignored the comment, but she then started complaining about me to her older siblings. They listened for a short while before telling her she'd made her point and to stop talking about it and just enjoy being in the pool.

Later, while they were all playing, one of her older siblings accidentally brushed past her. She immediately shouted, "Don't f*ing touch me." I don't know whether anything else happened after that.

She then went to her room and stayed there for the rest of the evening.
This morning it was just the two of us at home. I simply said good morning, asked how long she'd been awake and what she'd been doing. I then asked her to take her washing-up upstairs. She replied "No" in a very hostile tone. When I said it needed taking up, she told me to "f* off".

I've taken her phone away because I'd had enough of the way she's been speaking to me and everyone else. I've told her she can have it back once she can speak to people without being rude or disrespectful.

The difficulty now is that she's barely leaving her room, so I can't really judge whether her attitude has improved because there is very little interaction.

For context, the younger siblings are 10 and 11, and the older siblings are 19 and 28.

Is this new behaviour?

Sorry but why did you ignore when she told you to fuck off?

Also instead of being reactive, have you sat down and clearly spelt out expectations, like "we're not rude to each other, we don't swear at each other" - in advance, at a calm time?

She may be ND, but regardless, it is never okay to behave that way.

I would explain that it’s not ok to speak to family members like that and take away phone and any other devices every time she does it.

i would also have a separate chat saying I’m worried about you, this isn’t like you (if true), what’s going on?

She sounds like a teenager Teenagers usually become normal people eventually mine did

I remember my sister being similar at 12-16. She grew out of it by about 17 and began becoming nicer. Doing something is probably a good idea but I wouldn’t worry too much because she’ll most likely grow out of it.

When’s the last time you’ve had a good chat with her? I’d be very quick to tick mine off for giving me attitude or swearing at me, or sometimes I mix it up by being playful and saying “I think you mean “mummy dearest, I’ll put these clothes away at once,”

I find it better to have a quick but relatively mild reaction rather than letting it build up and going nuclear. But now you’ve taken the phone away, it at least gives you some leverage to have a conversation.

Mine have some SN and can be triggered by things like touch, or being expected to do something right now they weren’t expecting and the heat sets of sensory issues - do you have any idea what might be going on with her?

I’ve found with teens, theres a balance to be struck between coming alongside them with compassion and understanding and holding a fairly firm line.

Well the first time she told me to Fuck Off I'd have told her to get out the pool and that she'd lost her phone for the day.

I'd go up at this point, because she's been an absolute cow, and tell her that unless she wanted to apologise to me and agree to basic rules about treating everyone in the house with respect that I was cancelling her phone contract and she would be getting a brick phone that simply made calls. You don't get to speak to me like shit and still have me fund stuff for you.

She needs pulling up sharply, and now.

If I had told my mother to f* off when I was 15 she would have slapped me round the face. I am not for a second condoning that, but the fact you are basically ignoring it is unbelievable. Start parenting your daughter and teaching her some respect and manners.

Jesus, why are you tolerating this? Where are the consequences? If any of mine dared tell me to fuck off, I'd smack their arse so hard their grandkids would feel it. Not that I've ever had to, because I didn't tolerate it when they were little. They were brought up that you do not talk to people like that, especially your own mother!

You need to lay down some serious consequences for this behaviour. Why was she allowed to remain? Get her out, send her to her room and tell her to stay there until she can be civil.

Phone would be history. She wouldn't get it back, period. She could get a job and buy her own.

Pocket money? Nope, that's for people who show basic respect and gratitude. Get a job.

Lifts? Forget it. Fucking walk.

She doesn't get to treat you like that and still have you skivvying after her.

Your poor daughter. If you don’t teach her acceptable behaviour now, she’s going to be totally unprepared for the world around her.
Other people simply won’t accept her flying off the handle and swearing at them and frankly, why should they?
Find your backbone.

Drive her somewhere, not looking at each other makes it easier to talk. Understand what's going on, but prepare to get firmer, does she get pocket money etc. If she won't come out of her room her attitude is still stinking so no need to worry about the phone.

Why on earth did you ignore your daughter telling you to fuck off the first time? My son is 15 (nearly 16) and if he'd spoken to me like that, I'd have gone absolutely blastic at him. He'd have been under no illusion that his behaviour wasn't acceptable.

You ignored your daughter's behaviour, gave her no consequences, so she used the same language towards her siblings and then to you (again). Only then did you put any consequences in place.

Is this behaviour new for your daughter? Or is this something that is ongoing? Have you tried to have a proper conversation with her, as in asking if there's anything wrong/bothering her?

If your daughter wants to sulk in her room, then let her. Keep hold of her phone (and any other electronic devices) until she apologises and can speak to you properly.

There would be major consequences if either of my children told me to F off.