School refusal, just had enough.

Marzee · 2026-06-23T08:30:06+00:00

DS is under CAHMs for mental health issues. Well Insay under CAHMs they did an assessment and went from saying 'we don't say this very often with 14yos but we think he may have a mood disorder such as bipolar' to 'yeah actually he's fine, on waiting list for talking therapy, see the GP if you're worried...discharged' in a few weeks. But he is being assesed for autism too. During this time he struggled with school a lot and he was off for like 2 weeks because of feeling suicidal. School made little adjustments like going home early one day and allowing him to come in 40 mins late. He has insomnia and just won't sleep all night. But now he just won't get out of bed. Every morning is a battle. Today he had a mock GCSE at 8.45am. I got him up at 7.30. I kept trying to get him out of bed and he eventually left at 8.30 with his dad. They made it to school by 8.40 and if he went in he would have made the exam. 5 mins later school are calling that je isn't there. DH usually drives him in the gates to the office but he didn't and DS just walked off away from school. I've lost it a bit tbh and took his computer from his room. He just games all the time and if i try and take his phone he goes mental. He says that his phone keeps him safe overnight when he feels bad and basically if he didn't have his phone to txt friends or watch videos he would feel suicidal. I feel like this is manipulation and its not his friends responsibility to keep him safe! Im dreading the holidays. He will be nocturnal and not want to go anywhere. His sleep will be completely fucked up and cone September it will be a nightmare again. I'm just so tired of it all. And school put it on me like its my fault. What am I supposed to do? He is 15 now and taller than me. Do they want me to drag him out of bed physically? They would report me for assault! I just don't know what to do

ladyvimes · 23/06/2026 09:36

I’m sorry you’re going through this - EBSA is very difficult to manage as a parent and as school.

Firstly, back to the gp - things are getting worse and they do have services they can refer to. You may have to push for this.

You’re definitely doing the right thing removing electronics from his room. You have to remove the things that make home a better place to be than school.

Speak to the school about temporary adjustments. Come up with a plan with them and your son together that works such as a temporary part time timetable, traffic light lessons, etc. Is there any options for alternative provision, home tutoring etc. Put in rewards at home for your son sticking to these agreed plans such as screen time.

It’s a really difficult situation but really important that you try to get him back in school. I know this is incredibly difficult but very important in the long run.

GlaceCherryFromThePast · 23/06/2026 09:38

I gave zero knowledge of this area, and hopefully someone will have more practical advice for you, but what's screaming out at me is you need support and resources as much as he does. I would start looking into Facebook support groups for parents of school refusers/children with neurodiversity and also a chat with your GP to see if your surgery have any good signposting links. Even a call to social services might be a good idea here. It might be that your expectations need to come right down to floor level, before you can rebuild a healthier existence with your son.

I wish you all the best, but get help for yourself now, and be open minded to suggestions for your son.

RudolphTheReindeer · 23/06/2026 09:43

He's ill op don't punish him. He has significant MH challenges and it's not unusual for autistic children to be unable to manage mainstream school environments. He needs more support in school.

Original poster

Marzee · 23/06/2026 09:47

RudolphTheReindeer · 23/06/2026 09:43

He's ill op don't punish him. He has significant MH challenges and it's not unusual for autistic children to be unable to manage mainstream school environments. He needs more support in school.

I'm not punishing him!
What is the punishment? Taking his computer and phone? They have taken over his life, all he does is game with his friends.

And its frustrating because I KNOW that is how he connects with his peers. That is what they all do. He can't go out and play with his mates because they are all inside gaming.

I need to take his phone but I tried it a few weeks ago at 10pm and at 1am after 3 hours of him freaking out I just gave it back to him (and ended up leaving the house for a walk because i just felt so defeated)

I feel like an utter failure as a mother

And if I allow him to leave school he would never leave the house again!!

School is the only thing keeping him in any kind of routine and when he is there he is fine! Thats the one thing I keep hearing, that when he gets in school he goes to his lessons and sits with his friends and seems absolutely fine.

OP posts:

RudolphTheReindeer · 23/06/2026 10:08

Would you take items from an adult who was too unwell to go to work? I have been where you are, I know what it's like. Punishment doesn't help when someone is unwell. Try the 'notfineinschool' or 'define fine' fb groups but they'll tell you the same as me. He looks fine once in school because he's masking. His avoidance is because he's not coping.

foreversunshine · 23/06/2026 10:09

My daughter, who was at that time 15, was under CAHMS for a suicide attempt. It was a cry for help rather than a genuine attempt, and before the 'all-knowing' come for me for using that term, even the medical professionals referred to it thus.

She was under CAHMS for many months afterwards, encompassing trauma therapy, autism assessment and medication for insomnia (all hail Melatonin).
Things were put in place in the home such as medications being locked away & sharp implements being locked away. At school, they implemented a 'code red' for her, which meant she was allowed to leave class and attend a 'safe space' if she got overwhelmed but it also meant that she couldn't leave the school grounds at lunchtimes any more and she had to spend her breaks in the library. Basically, the school needed to know where she was at all times.

Things trundled along in a loop of misery for many months, with the constant looming threat manipulation of SH and wishing she were dead until I decided something had to change.
With the support of CAHMS and her doctor, we put firmer rules in place for home. Her bedroom door had to remain open a little bit at all times (apart from getting changed, obviously), her razors were removed from the bathroom and she had to ask to be given one if she wanted to shave her legs, her phone was removed at 9pm every night, social media apps were removed from her phone, she had to come with us if we went out, rather than being left alone at home. She had to wake up at a reasonable time and go to bed at a reasonable time. If she missed school, there were tasks to be done at home to help out.

She was uncomfortable with the changes. She lost a lot of autonomy and freedoms. It forced her to engage in the process of therapy and healing. It forced her to consider the benefits of getting better. It's very easy to sink into a pit of despair. It quickly becomes comfortable to have people bringing you food and drinks to your bed and constantly asking if you're OK - we had to break that cycle.

We have come out the other side. We now look back on 2024 and breathe a sigh of relief that we are here now. It was emotionally exhausting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

One major thing that's been beneficial to my daughter is she started coming to the gym with me when she started getting out of the worst of it - we still go 4 times a week now and it's been a huge boost for her self confidence and mental health. I know exercise being great for depression is a cliché - but it works.

Original poster

Marzee · 23/06/2026 10:25

RudolphTheReindeer · 23/06/2026 10:08

Would you take items from an adult who was too unwell to go to work? I have been where you are, I know what it's like. Punishment doesn't help when someone is unwell. Try the 'notfineinschool' or 'define fine' fb groups but they'll tell you the same as me. He looks fine once in school because he's masking. His avoidance is because he's not coping.

I'm not on facebook.

No I wouldn't take an adults phone because they are an adult and responsible for themselves. He is a child and I am responsible for him and those things are having a direct detrimental effect on his mental health.

OP posts:

Original poster

Marzee · 23/06/2026 10:26

foreversunshine · 23/06/2026 10:09

My daughter, who was at that time 15, was under CAHMS for a suicide attempt. It was a cry for help rather than a genuine attempt, and before the 'all-knowing' come for me for using that term, even the medical professionals referred to it thus.

She was under CAHMS for many months afterwards, encompassing trauma therapy, autism assessment and medication for insomnia (all hail Melatonin).
Things were put in place in the home such as medications being locked away & sharp implements being locked away. At school, they implemented a 'code red' for her, which meant she was allowed to leave class and attend a 'safe space' if she got overwhelmed but it also meant that she couldn't leave the school grounds at lunchtimes any more and she had to spend her breaks in the library. Basically, the school needed to know where she was at all times.

Things trundled along in a loop of misery for many months, with the constant looming threat manipulation of SH and wishing she were dead until I decided something had to change.
With the support of CAHMS and her doctor, we put firmer rules in place for home. Her bedroom door had to remain open a little bit at all times (apart from getting changed, obviously), her razors were removed from the bathroom and she had to ask to be given one if she wanted to shave her legs, her phone was removed at 9pm every night, social media apps were removed from her phone, she had to come with us if we went out, rather than being left alone at home. She had to wake up at a reasonable time and go to bed at a reasonable time. If she missed school, there were tasks to be done at home to help out.

She was uncomfortable with the changes. She lost a lot of autonomy and freedoms. It forced her to engage in the process of therapy and healing. It forced her to consider the benefits of getting better. It's very easy to sink into a pit of despair. It quickly becomes comfortable to have people bringing you food and drinks to your bed and constantly asking if you're OK - we had to break that cycle.

We have come out the other side. We now look back on 2024 and breathe a sigh of relief that we are here now. It was emotionally exhausting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

One major thing that's been beneficial to my daughter is she started coming to the gym with me when she started getting out of the worst of it - we still go 4 times a week now and it's been a huge boost for her self confidence and mental health. I know exercise being great for depression is a cliché - but it works.

Thankyou. This is exactly how I feel. And what I want to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Marzee · 23/06/2026 10:26

foreversunshine · 23/06/2026 10:09

My daughter, who was at that time 15, was under CAHMS for a suicide attempt. It was a cry for help rather than a genuine attempt, and before the 'all-knowing' come for me for using that term, even the medical professionals referred to it thus.

She was under CAHMS for many months afterwards, encompassing trauma therapy, autism assessment and medication for insomnia (all hail Melatonin).
Things were put in place in the home such as medications being locked away & sharp implements being locked away. At school, they implemented a 'code red' for her, which meant she was allowed to leave class and attend a 'safe space' if she got overwhelmed but it also meant that she couldn't leave the school grounds at lunchtimes any more and she had to spend her breaks in the library. Basically, the school needed to know where she was at all times.

Things trundled along in a loop of misery for many months, with the constant looming threat manipulation of SH and wishing she were dead until I decided something had to change.
With the support of CAHMS and her doctor, we put firmer rules in place for home. Her bedroom door had to remain open a little bit at all times (apart from getting changed, obviously), her razors were removed from the bathroom and she had to ask to be given one if she wanted to shave her legs, her phone was removed at 9pm every night, social media apps were removed from her phone, she had to come with us if we went out, rather than being left alone at home. She had to wake up at a reasonable time and go to bed at a reasonable time. If she missed school, there were tasks to be done at home to help out.

She was uncomfortable with the changes. She lost a lot of autonomy and freedoms. It forced her to engage in the process of therapy and healing. It forced her to consider the benefits of getting better. It's very easy to sink into a pit of despair. It quickly becomes comfortable to have people bringing you food and drinks to your bed and constantly asking if you're OK - we had to break that cycle.

We have come out the other side. We now look back on 2024 and breathe a sigh of relief that we are here now. It was emotionally exhausting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

One major thing that's been beneficial to my daughter is she started coming to the gym with me when she started getting out of the worst of it - we still go 4 times a week now and it's been a huge boost for her self confidence and mental health. I know exercise being great for depression is a cliché - but it works.

Thankyou. This is exactly how I feel. And what I want to do.

OP posts:

RudolphTheReindeer · 23/06/2026 12:16

Marzee · 23/06/2026 10:25

I'm not on facebook.

No I wouldn't take an adults phone because they are an adult and responsible for themselves. He is a child and I am responsible for him and those things are having a direct detrimental effect on his mental health.

Show quote history

Try the send board then theres lots of experienced parents with children with MH challenges and asd there who can support

Bringemout · 23/06/2026 12:25

foreversunshine · 23/06/2026 10:09

My daughter, who was at that time 15, was under CAHMS for a suicide attempt. It was a cry for help rather than a genuine attempt, and before the 'all-knowing' come for me for using that term, even the medical professionals referred to it thus.

She was under CAHMS for many months afterwards, encompassing trauma therapy, autism assessment and medication for insomnia (all hail Melatonin).
Things were put in place in the home such as medications being locked away & sharp implements being locked away. At school, they implemented a 'code red' for her, which meant she was allowed to leave class and attend a 'safe space' if she got overwhelmed but it also meant that she couldn't leave the school grounds at lunchtimes any more and she had to spend her breaks in the library. Basically, the school needed to know where she was at all times.

Things trundled along in a loop of misery for many months, with the constant looming threat manipulation of SH and wishing she were dead until I decided something had to change.
With the support of CAHMS and her doctor, we put firmer rules in place for home. Her bedroom door had to remain open a little bit at all times (apart from getting changed, obviously), her razors were removed from the bathroom and she had to ask to be given one if she wanted to shave her legs, her phone was removed at 9pm every night, social media apps were removed from her phone, she had to come with us if we went out, rather than being left alone at home. She had to wake up at a reasonable time and go to bed at a reasonable time. If she missed school, there were tasks to be done at home to help out.

She was uncomfortable with the changes. She lost a lot of autonomy and freedoms. It forced her to engage in the process of therapy and healing. It forced her to consider the benefits of getting better. It's very easy to sink into a pit of despair. It quickly becomes comfortable to have people bringing you food and drinks to your bed and constantly asking if you're OK - we had to break that cycle.

We have come out the other side. We now look back on 2024 and breathe a sigh of relief that we are here now. It was emotionally exhausting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

One major thing that's been beneficial to my daughter is she started coming to the gym with me when she started getting out of the worst of it - we still go 4 times a week now and it's been a huge boost for her self confidence and mental health. I know exercise being great for depression is a cliché - but it works.

This sounds like a whole load of common sense to me. Mines only little but i see a lot of parents who start letting stuff slip because they are concerned about their childs wellbeing, and then all of sudden their kids are just opting out of stuff and the longer you do the harder it is to re-engage with life. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to take a “tough shit” approach and force some normality on someone, especially children.

AlphaApple · 23/06/2026 12:48

@foreversunshine you are an inspiration. Wishing you and your daughter all the very best.

Good luck OP. I totally agree that allowing an unwell teenager to opt out of life with no consequences will not aid their recovery.

Raisinsandweetabix · 23/06/2026 12:53

Bringemout · 23/06/2026 12:25

This sounds like a whole load of common sense to me. Mines only little but i see a lot of parents who start letting stuff slip because they are concerned about their childs wellbeing, and then all of sudden their kids are just opting out of stuff and the longer you do the harder it is to re-engage with life. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to take a “tough shit” approach and force some normality on someone, especially children.

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But how do you force them to get up? To do chores? If they respond with violence or threats?

Raisinsandweetabix · 23/06/2026 12:56

Bringemout · 23/06/2026 12:25

This sounds like a whole load of common sense to me. Mines only little but i see a lot of parents who start letting stuff slip because they are concerned about their childs wellbeing, and then all of sudden their kids are just opting out of stuff and the longer you do the harder it is to re-engage with life. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to take a “tough shit” approach and force some normality on someone, especially children.

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It makes a huge difference if your child is willing to listen and attend appointments, to get up by themselves. My DD refuses EVERYTHING

Original poster

Marzee · 23/06/2026 13:34

Bringemout · 23/06/2026 12:25

This sounds like a whole load of common sense to me. Mines only little but i see a lot of parents who start letting stuff slip because they are concerned about their childs wellbeing, and then all of sudden their kids are just opting out of stuff and the longer you do the harder it is to re-engage with life. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to take a “tough shit” approach and force some normality on someone, especially children.

Show quote history

I do agree with this and I absolutely felt the same way when mine were small.

I would have read my post and thought 'get a grip, you're the parent. Get him out of bed and get him to school on time. Its not hard'.

But it is.

It's not a one off situation, its an exhausting daily slog of battles. And it wears your resolve down. And I have other children and caring responsibilities and general life and home responsibilities and I cannot physically spend 2 hours every monring coaxing him.

And you cannot threaten or scream or pull them out of bed because in our situation he has people involved that could absolutely interpret that as a safeguarding issue and I don't want to scream at him.

Though I admit i have done. I have lost my shit and begged and cried.

It's exhausting and humiliating and you do feel like an utter fucking failure as a parent. And I lie awake worrying about his future. Its affecting my health. Physically and mentally.

But I do need to take a harder line, I know that but I am so scared that in his head, that would be so devastating that he would do something stupid and that would be on me forever. The fear is real too.

OP posts:

Raisinsandweetabix · 23/06/2026 14:24

Marzee · 23/06/2026 13:34

I do agree with this and I absolutely felt the same way when mine were small.

I would have read my post and thought 'get a grip, you're the parent. Get him out of bed and get him to school on time. Its not hard'.

But it is.

It's not a one off situation, its an exhausting daily slog of battles. And it wears your resolve down. And I have other children and caring responsibilities and general life and home responsibilities and I cannot physically spend 2 hours every monring coaxing him.

And you cannot threaten or scream or pull them out of bed because in our situation he has people involved that could absolutely interpret that as a safeguarding issue and I don't want to scream at him.

Though I admit i have done. I have lost my shit and begged and cried.

It's exhausting and humiliating and you do feel like an utter fucking failure as a parent. And I lie awake worrying about his future. Its affecting my health. Physically and mentally.

But I do need to take a harder line, I know that but I am so scared that in his head, that would be so devastating that he would do something stupid and that would be on me forever. The fear is real too.

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I'm in the same boat, you aren't alone. That's the only comfort I can offer as this is a living hell

Jamesblonde2 · 23/06/2026 14:42

My God, computer games and phones again. That’s your problem OP. You have let it go on for too long. He would not have felt suicidal without a phone 20 years ago.

WindyW · 23/06/2026 15:27

Really difficult one. I’m an insomniac and the phone thing can turn into a vicious cycle. When you’re so upset and tired and you can’t sleep having a nice look at cat videos can be soothing. Yet my brain at least got used to waking up and getting the hit of cat videos!

If I was to take stuff away I’d put in supports at the same time, guided sleep tracks or meditations, melatonin, and increase in exercise during the day if possible (small bouncy trampoline or weights if he won’t leave the house). Hugs.

WindyW · 23/06/2026 15:27

Maybe a journal with questions in and pens to have in his room.

eightyearslater · 23/06/2026 16:29

I think taking devices away is a good thing OP. They are addictive and don’t help a teens mental health one bit.

momtoboys · 23/06/2026 16:34

I have no advice, but I couldn't read and run. I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds terrible. And if it makes you feel any better, I would be thinking manipulation too. I'm not saying its correct, but it would occur to me.

Original poster

Marzee · 23/06/2026 17:21

Jamesblonde2 · 23/06/2026 14:42

My God, computer games and phones again. That’s your problem OP. You have let it go on for too long. He would not have felt suicidal without a phone 20 years ago.

Thanks James. I'll just hop in my time machine and concieve him at 6 years old so he was born 20 years earlier shall I?

OP posts:

Sheismycherrypie · 23/06/2026 19:40

Marzee · 23/06/2026 17:21

Thanks James. I'll just hop in my time machine and concieve him at 6 years old so he was born 20 years earlier shall I?

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I don’t think they meant it quite like that. I do really feel for you - your kid is at prime age to be born in time for this tech but before the longer term effects became apparent.

I know so many good, caring parents who bought their kids DS, switches, Xboxes and so on some years ago thinking ‘why not? I had a Nintendo at that age. I don’t want them to miss out’… not realising gaming now is basically like heroin. It’s so fast paced, never ending and dopamine spiking that it basically destroys the pleasure receptors in their brains. I truly believe what we see as an increase in ‘anxiety’ and ‘school refusal’ is just screen withdrawal syndrome - so of course places like school where they can’t have unlimited access to their screens are ‘distressing’.

You have 2 choices really. You can call his bluff, remove the tech and begin a harsh and essential but brutal road to recovery. Or you can carry on in a state of ‘managing’ where he still has his tech and has bad/better days but ultimately never really reaches his potential and will probably still be living in your home at 35 ‘but at least he hasn’t done the unthinkable’. The latter is no life for a grown man, or you, that’s my five cents.

pregnantfish · 23/06/2026 21:26

Marzee · 23/06/2026 10:25

I'm not on facebook.

No I wouldn't take an adults phone because they are an adult and responsible for themselves. He is a child and I am responsible for him and those things are having a direct detrimental effect on his mental health.

Show quote history

I think you’re very sensible and completely right. You are responsible for him at the moment and you’re doing the best you can.
I think phones and access to unlimited videos/social media has made things really hard for kids/parents now and feeds anxiety and other mental health issues.

Keroppi · 23/06/2026 21:38

Could you do a family wide no screens after a certain time. Locked away in your room
Tv only no YouTube
Turn the WiFi off if you need to or buy a basic phone no internet
Digital detox !
Who cares about his friends. I bet they're still attending school and doing fine even though they game. He can't so he can't be like them. And it's not their issue to be "trauma dumped" on as they say - he will lose friends bc he is being needy. His phone algorithm will be pushing depression and suicidal content to him
Would he get violent and aggressive if you did this? I'd just say studies show that engagement is the best etc and if he wants to be better then this is what it takes, you will be in trouble with the police if he keeps absconding etc ruining his future. Obvs you've said it all but you're not raising a failson who will just live in your house no partner no job no qualifications no life!!

Would he not do any clubs or hobbies.. sea scouts, territorial army etc something cool

School refusal, just had enough.

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