How to explain my absent father to a nearly four-year-old

[pontipinemum]

If you don't have a father what did you say when your DC eventually asked?

My father left when I was a toddler. I re-met him when I was mid 20s and have since decided not to have him in my life.

Yesterday DS who is nearly 4yrs asked me 'where is your daddy?' I said "I don't have one". He pressed with why, I said "some people just don't have dads, but that's OK" which he accepted.

I spoke about this with MIL around the time DS was born, she said children never ask about their parents so it will never come up.

It has come up and I doubt that will be the end of it. Presumably this will come up with school friends as well and I want him to have compassion for those children.

Any guidance?

I'd love to tell him 'he's an arse and doesn't deserve our breath 😂but that doesn't seem age appropriate (so of course I won't say that)

I used to foster, and ended up explaining to DC why their various relatives were crap. I don’t know what the current advice is. I started with-
He wasn’t very good at being a daddy- it’s a difficult job!

But then emphasise that you and his Dad are very good at it, and won’t be going anywhere!

I would just say, I had a dad but we didn’t get on so I don’t see him any more.

I like that 'he wasn't very good at being a daddy'

Their granny - my mother is barely in the picture as well. But that's another story, DS has questioned why he hasn't seen her in 9 months

I often tell him I love being his mummy (also tell him I love him daily)

I agree with @PrizedPickledPopcorn be honest but in age appropriate language.

He wasnt very good at being a dad is a good one.

I wouldn't bring it up. Stating that some people have a dad and some do not is fine for now. If he doest bring it up again then answer the question but do not elaborate or anything further. Just show him that its not a no go area just not an interesting area either.

Also I disagree with mil. Children do ask about their parents and parents parents. And at age 4 I'd your ds is about spot on for noticing stuff like this IMO.

We have no contact with DH parents.
It didn't really come up when DC was v young as they had a few other older family friends who were already established through cousins with honorary GP titles.

As they got older it did, and just this weekend we talked again with young teen. Really explanation is some people dont make good parents and if they dont the children dont have to continue seeing them. But (to them) Dad had made sure he isn't at all like his parents so he can be a really good parent to you and give you a good life. And if there is anything going on you dont like tell us and we can talk it through.

Sorry you are in this situation x

I'm an adoptive mother. We were advised to always tell the truth but in an age appropriate way. Know it's not the same but I do think that the truth is generally the best thing.

Maybe explain it as some people are not safe
and inn order to keep ourselves safe
there can be some people that you will need to choose to keep away from

I wouldn’t say anything like being a daddy is hard as that child could internalise all sorts of ideas from that
even out then off the joy of becoming a parent themselves one day

so just factual in a calm and gentle way
truth always the way

@Enko it seemed to satisfy him just that I don't have one. I don't want him to think any subject is a no go area. I know, MIL can be funny like that sometimes, SIL has done huge work digging into the family history. I have also asked them lots of questions about their young adult lives - because it is interesting.

@Pureclass 'f there is anything going on you dont like tell us and we can talk it through.' I want him to always always be able to come to me. I like that line, I think he does know he can ask me anything but he is very young so I want him to know it as he grows.

@basoon yes I want to tell him the truth. At his age I thought 'some people don't have dads and that's OK' was age appropriate, was it? As a child I was lied to/ half truth etc and it gets very confusing I had no clue where I stood within the family or my own life.

@HotBothered there is a very real chance I am going to have to go even lower contact with my own mother so 'some people not being safe' is a good explanation about her for when they are much older.

No I don't think I would tell him it is a hard job. I tell him frequently that I love being his mummy. For now I think it's enough to say I don't have one. I can explain more as he gets older - although not too much as I still don't even fully know or understand why he left.

But you did have a dad. The science is, that we all have a dad.

I think it’s better to acknowledge that there was a Dad and explain as and when he asks why there isn’t one now. It can go in levels of detail as he gets older.
Things like,
he wasn’t good at it,
he didn’t like being a daddy,
he didn’t realise how important it is to be a good daddy

progress to

He was there when I was a baby, but he wasn’t very happy living with us and decided to go and live somewhere else.
Sometimes families just don’t work and they can’t live together anymore. So they live in different places and it can be very hard work to stay in touch when that happens. You have to want it very much and work at making it happen.

Life can get really hard, people argue and make each other unhappy. Sometimes they can’t sort it out and think it’s easier to run away.

Eventually you do work your way up to-
when I was older I went looking for him and discovered he was an arse and I was better off without him 😅

But whatever you say, remember it so you can avoid accidentally sounding like you to are finding parenting hard and about to do a runner!
Lots of assurance at every stage that you and his dad know how important he is and will always put his needs first, even if life is tricky.

I dont think you need to overcomplicate it with an i dont have a daddy

I just said "mummys daddy died..." and in a sense he was dead to me.

I think "he wasnt a very kind daddy and didnt do all the nice things mummys and daddies should do so we dont see him anymore" is fine

My husband is estranged from his father. My son has asked about it for years and I always say, he wasn’t very nice to Daddy, so we don’t see him, because if people are really unkind to us all the time then we don’t have to spend time with them. It works because it’s true, but it’s also explaining a boundary, which I think is important.

Saying "I don't have one" is going to confuse him, because even 4yr olds know everyone was born from a mummy and daddy.
I would just say the truth "he left".

I started off with ‘wasn’t very good at’ and now they are fully grown adults have progressed to ‘is a cunt’ - there is a lot in between over the years. The one thing I would say is don’t tell him you don’t have a Dad as that is more confusing for them as they learn and develop an understanding of how families work and eventually how babies are made. It’s ok for him to know your Dad was not very good so you don’t see him, and of course reinforce that you and his Dad are going nowhere.

@TomClarkson 'don’t tell him you don’t have a Dad as that is more confusing' - I never thought of it like that. I will tell him mummys daddy left.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp I don't think I would like to tell him my father is dead. My grandparents were an enormous part of my upbringing. They are both dead and I will tell him that.

Kids are really factual and accepting so I’d just stick to something like ‘some parents are good at being parents or at least try to be and some aren’t, my dad wasn’t very good at being a dad so I don’t see him anymore.’

My father's dad was a deadbeat who left when he was a baby. It just wasn't an issue. We knew that we didn't have a grandpa becuase he had left Granny and Dad when Dad was a baby and didn't have a relationship with them. I don't even remember any discussion beyond that. I mean, yes, as we got older it was interesting to learn a bit about him more generally, but it was all matter of fact. He wasn't around, by choice, and my dad had only met him twice.

No big deal.

I think it’s more confusing to say you don’t have one than to explain the truth in kids language

My only query is that everyone has a father, but maybe not in in their lives. Could you say that some people aren't very good at being a dad, and it's sad but your father is some one like that?

Sorry you've gone though this op, it's very hard
BUt sounds ,
like your on the right track

I often tell my kids they are easy to love, because they are
You break the cycle
You become the person little you needed, and you will find healing in that
And will also have a great relationship with your child/children.

Just keep them safe from toxic people x

Unfortunately dad left when I was very little and not seen him v much. Add more as he gets older

I truly appreciate everyone that has given me advice. I hadn't thought that saying I don't have a dad would confuse him, but I see how it could.

I think from now on, if he asks (I won't bring it up) I will just say 'mummys daddy left' I'm not going to say anything about how being a parent is hard etc. because I don't want him to think I might find it too hard and leave him.

My mum didn't raise me either but the do see her when she's sober enough! So for the most part granny is 'too sick to visit us'

Also, remember, sadly, it's not entirely unusual. At least two of DD's classmates have entirely absent fathers that I know of. DS' best friend in primary school's dad was not around, another friend it turned out the "dad" we all knew was actually his step dad. Closer to home, exBIL is seldom around.

I’m not sure either of mine have ever asked. Dh and I both lost our dads as teens, so they’re not absent, so much as dead.

I’m NC with my mum, so she is alive but has nothing to do with my children. She was around when my eldest was little, so I had to explain why she disappeared. That’s a bit different. I did it in the most age appropriate way. My dd did ask about her for a couple years and then didn’t mention her again.

My youngest, who is 8, has never really asked about his granddads or absent granny. He knows his grandads are dead and has seen pictures, but I honestly don’t know what he thinks happened to my mum.

I had a grandfather who was absent from my dad’s life due to mental illness. Honestly, I didn’t really think about it. I knew he existed and a few times I saw him at a family event, but I don’t recall ever speaking to him. I don’t think kids overthink these things through an adult lens, so I don’t think you need to make a big deal out of it. Just say that I didn’t really know my dad when I was growing up, so we don’t see him now. Aren’t we lucky to have Granny to go to the park with though?