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Feel sad about ds never going out

13 replies

LorenzoCalzone · 21/06/2026 21:44

My 11yo DS doesn't want to go on holiday. He says it's due to fear of flying. He's fearful of everything really, was very worried about his school residential due to fear of the bus crashing. Aside from school he barely leaves the house, I have to drag him and then he's absolutely vile to me telling me he hopes I die. He gets upset with himself after because he loves me a lot, its just the fear making him lash out . Its really affecting my happiness and life. I did a mental health referral last year which is still being processed. I feel sad that he's missing out on life.

OP posts:
PurpleLovecats · 21/06/2026 21:52

I suffer with MH issues, one of which is severe anxiety and I also do not leave the house. Could you afford private therapy for him?

LorenzoCalzone · 21/06/2026 21:59

I would do without to pay for therapy. The big question is how would I get him to go to therapy?

He amazed me by going on his residential. He goes to school ok, not ecstatic but he goes.

OP posts:
853ax · 21/06/2026 22:03

Is he involved in any clubs would this be a way to start ? An after school or weekend club. Does he go to birthday parties?

Mystifyingly · 21/06/2026 22:08

LorenzoCalzone · 21/06/2026 21:59

I would do without to pay for therapy. The big question is how would I get him to go to therapy?

He amazed me by going on his residential. He goes to school ok, not ecstatic but he goes.

Well, I assume he doesn’t enjoy being this permanently terrified? Explain to him that therapy will help and that, with work, he’ll be able to fly, leave the house etc easily.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 21/06/2026 22:10

I have GAD and when I am really bad it manifesta as agoraphobia. Please go gently with him, it isn't his fault.

Do you have any idea what triggered this? Has he experienced trauma or a particularly stressful event?

LorenzoCalzone · 21/06/2026 22:11

He won't do clubs. I tried for years, dragged him to some and eventually gave up. He'd be hitting me in the car on the way there, then seemed to enjoy it, then the same carry on the next week. He's hated parties since nursery age, lately the kids don't really do parties just small gatherings which he is OK with as they are few and far between.

OP posts:
LorenzoCalzone · 21/06/2026 22:20

Me and his dad split up when he was 16 months. His dad saw him fortnightly then moved abroad when he was 4. Rarely sees him now. He says he's fine with it but I'd imagine that would affect a little boy.

OP posts:
Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 21/06/2026 23:15

That doesn't answer the question @LorenzoCalzone

When did the behavior start

madaboutpurple · 22/06/2026 09:25

If you could encourage him to do martial arts or join a drama club it would most likely improve his self confidence. I used to do karate in my 20's and although the class was for adults children would join and I could see the difference in them once they started getting the different gradings.

Tonissister · 22/06/2026 09:52

OP, I don't want to downplay any MH issues. But I've noticed a lot of children - especially the more introspective, less sporty ones, go through a sort of cocoon year where they barely leave the house. Both my DC did and so did I. Usually around age 12.

If I were you, I wouldn't worry. Make sure there is a variety of activities at home that he can do.

With my two in their chrysalis phase, I just had loads of conversations with them about fantasy futures. Like - what would you spend £1million on? If you had to spend it all on yourself? If you had to spend it all on other people? What would be your dream home? Dream day in your life? Coolest outfit or hairstyle the'yd love to have. I was surprised how enthusiastic they were to discuss this stuff. And I got to know what mattered to them. It made it easier to gently develop the conversation into suggestions for skills to develop or things to research..

The summer they are 11/12/13, they are in the process of transitioning from child to teen and they really don't know how to emerge. I used to tell DC they had to do one thing to keep them fit each week and one thing that helped them build a skill they wanted. At least one of those two things had to get them out of the house into the world. But they could choose which. And the rest of the time, I let them mooch.

I also helped them think about ways to earn money over the summer and what they wanted to save up for. Your DS could offer to look after neighbours' small pets when they are away on holiday for a few pounds a day, for example.

Allow him a bit of time just to be. At this age it really is helpful. But keep an eye out for ways to help him emerge from his shell. They do hate parental advice, so I used to hunt around on Youtube for cool young men who were handing out the same advice as I was trying to, then show them the video. It often worked. A coool young man doing workouts, or explaining how to lift weights, or how to handle a tricky bass guitar line, or draw a manga character etc.

I told DS2 he just had to learn to swim, non-negotiable as it was a life-saving skill. Despite endless lessons at school and summer programmes he still couldn't, aged 12. So I dragged him to the pool once a week but just made him swim for 10 mins, mess about for 15 then out the first time. We stepped it up every week, and then he saw a local challenge where you could clock how many lengths you swam. Within six months, he could swim a mile. Something like that, where he can see an improvement - could be weights, or running or cycling, or learning guitar or writing a comic book or fantasy novel.

Tillow4ever · 22/06/2026 10:40

Tonissister · 22/06/2026 09:52

OP, I don't want to downplay any MH issues. But I've noticed a lot of children - especially the more introspective, less sporty ones, go through a sort of cocoon year where they barely leave the house. Both my DC did and so did I. Usually around age 12.

If I were you, I wouldn't worry. Make sure there is a variety of activities at home that he can do.

With my two in their chrysalis phase, I just had loads of conversations with them about fantasy futures. Like - what would you spend £1million on? If you had to spend it all on yourself? If you had to spend it all on other people? What would be your dream home? Dream day in your life? Coolest outfit or hairstyle the'yd love to have. I was surprised how enthusiastic they were to discuss this stuff. And I got to know what mattered to them. It made it easier to gently develop the conversation into suggestions for skills to develop or things to research..

The summer they are 11/12/13, they are in the process of transitioning from child to teen and they really don't know how to emerge. I used to tell DC they had to do one thing to keep them fit each week and one thing that helped them build a skill they wanted. At least one of those two things had to get them out of the house into the world. But they could choose which. And the rest of the time, I let them mooch.

I also helped them think about ways to earn money over the summer and what they wanted to save up for. Your DS could offer to look after neighbours' small pets when they are away on holiday for a few pounds a day, for example.

Allow him a bit of time just to be. At this age it really is helpful. But keep an eye out for ways to help him emerge from his shell. They do hate parental advice, so I used to hunt around on Youtube for cool young men who were handing out the same advice as I was trying to, then show them the video. It often worked. A coool young man doing workouts, or explaining how to lift weights, or how to handle a tricky bass guitar line, or draw a manga character etc.

I told DS2 he just had to learn to swim, non-negotiable as it was a life-saving skill. Despite endless lessons at school and summer programmes he still couldn't, aged 12. So I dragged him to the pool once a week but just made him swim for 10 mins, mess about for 15 then out the first time. We stepped it up every week, and then he saw a local challenge where you could clock how many lengths you swam. Within six months, he could swim a mile. Something like that, where he can see an improvement - could be weights, or running or cycling, or learning guitar or writing a comic book or fantasy novel.

Edited

OP said this has been going on since nursery age. This clearly isn’t just an age related spell.

I would definitely look at therapy, even if you have to start with online sessions if he won’t leave the house, or pay for someone to come to you. Something is likely to have triggered this - maybe it was his father leaving, maybe it was something else. Any deaths he was aware of at a young age? Could he have heard you or another adult talking about a large accident with deaths that scared him when younger?

LorenzoCalzone · 22/06/2026 17:18

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 21/06/2026 23:15

That doesn't answer the question @LorenzoCalzone

When did the behavior start

Your question was what might have triggered it and has he experienced any trauma - hence the answer

He's been like that since age 3 going to parties

OP posts:
ThatGreenFawn · 22/06/2026 17:21

Could you get a therapist to visit in school? At the school i work in we have several private play therapists and music therapists that come into school to support children.

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