Party invite quandary

[Worriedmum40284]

Organising a birthday party for DS10. He is part of a group of friends at school - mixes in well with most. However there is one child whose name often comes up if something has upset DS (let's call him Jack). DS describes Jack as being 'hard on him' and from what I can gather, Jack isn't always the nicest to DS.

DS said today that he was thinking of not inviting Jack to his party but was worried that Jack would still hear about the party and then make hard work for DS, querying why he wasn't invited.

I've suggested some ways around this to DS (saying not enough numbers or explaining that he wants people there that are always good friends to him) but he's worried they will all stoke up more trouble for him and he is adamant he won't lie. I suggested blaming it on me and telling Jack he'd told me to text Jack's parents with the invite but DS is adamant he won't blame me and also sees this as lying.

He's going between wanting to cancel the party to avoid any problems, or just inviting Jack. I don't think he should have to do either as neither option make DS happy.

Any ideas on how to help DS navigate this?!

At least at 10 they are well past the 'class party' stage. Can he blame it on you?! e.g. "mum's being so annoying. She said I can only have ten people or something." I've told my kids if they need me to, I can always be their 'get out'.

I’m afraid I can’t offer any advice but just wanted to say what a good lad he is that he doesn’t want to lie.

If Jack is mean to him, Jack simply doesn't get an invite, in my book!

Don't invite him and just tell DS you are not allowing him to invite Jack as you don't like the way he treats him. Shifts blame to you🙅‍♀️

It’s a good opportunity to teach DS how to implement boundaries. But if it’s causing him too much stress I’d suggest an alternative to a party, like a theme park trip for him and 3 friends instead for example, so he still gets something fun with several friends that’s a real treat, but not big enough to be a ‘party’ that the other kid misses out on

We’ve got a similar situation with my son’s upcoming 8th birthday. One boy ruined his party with very rough, bad behaviour towards several others last year, understandably upsetting their parents too. Children who don’t cause trouble anywhere they go. He said some things which made my son cry, and upset others. There have been numerous incidents at school as well involving bad language, leaving others out, getting others in trouble, lying, etc.

I have told my son categorically this boy is not coming this year, which he agree with, but feels worried about him finding out. I have told him not to worry, and to say it was my decision. He asked me to text parents invites over the Summer, which I have. I advised him not to openly discuss it at school, but actually, if this boy asks, to say ‘my mum said no because of your behaviour.’

It depends on numbers in the class. It can be difficult with things like this because as much as you don’t want children ruining the party you can end up in a very awkward situation very quickly.

There are ten boys in my DS’s class and one of them is very unpredictable and can (and does) lash out. (I am fairly sure there are additional needs there actually!)

So your options are

1. Don’t invite ‘Oliver’ (name changed to protect the innocent!) Looks horribly pointed and irrespective of past behaviour is really cruel.
2. Don’t invite a group of boys including Oliver - risks leaving our actual friends and isolates kids on the periphery for whatever reason.
3. invite the whole class and risk Oliver being an arse and spoiling it.

I have no idea what the solution is. My Oliver helpfully broke his leg before my DS’s party last year!

Organise a small party of 5-6 and then he can easily swerve the issue of not inviting 'everyone' - you can also organise a party in the holidays so the boy is not aware of the party. I second your son's decision not to avoid the issue or lie.