This is likely going to sound very silly, and maybe a bit mad. I had my first son at 22, and my second at 27; I'm 38 now. I have been on my own with them for a decade (Which may be relevant). We moved out of our family home which we had for 8 years and i bought a house We all dislike and feel isolated in (its on a very busy street but we have to drive everywhere, and we don't really have visitors because its too far for the boys friends).
Anyway, since leaving the old house I seem to be stuck in a loop of what I can only describe as living grief; I am grieving the boys being little, the house we lived in, who I was, but the strongest feeling is over the boys growing up. It interfers with my life, I cry nearly everyday. I watch video and look at photos, i think aboht how much i want to go back and be better for them, do things differently, i think about how I'llnever be able to pick them up again, about how excitable they were, that i didn't appreciate them enough. On the really bad days I will go into their rooms (when they are not in). I work 5 days a week in quite a stressful and demanding job which I am managing. Its more this immense sense of sadness. I don't feel as though I'm depressed though? I see a private counsellor every couple of weeks, but I don't always talk about how I'm feeling because I think I seem ridiculous. I am alone with this. Its been over 2 years now of these huge waves of emotions of grief and regret.
Has anyone had similar or known someone else to? Please be gentle, intellectually I know children must grow up and they are not mine to keep.