Older teens home for the summer - household regime

[Lokilure]

Shortly we'll be getting our eldest back home after her first year at uni, and our youngest at 17 will be finishing Y12.

I'm conscious that it's important to adapt as they grow up, not treat them so much as children and also not sleepwalk into becoming (staying?) their skivvy. How does your household run when your older teens are back home from uni &. college? What are your expectations, do they chip in more with the housework, cooking etc?

Of course the standard answer will be that they should have been cooking a meal for everyone weekly from their 5th birthday but life is complicated and we have some additional needs going on. But I'm interested in what is normal in other families as well as AuDHD families like ours too.

Single, knackered mum. Eldest will be working most days over the summer, youngest is probably operating on about a 12/13 year old level. Both nice polite young people but easily overwhelmed. I know, I know, the failure of modern parenting etc etc. We started well but stumbled through teen years with mental health difficulties, exams etc, and vacuuming was not the right hill to die on. But what can I do gently to improve things over the summer?

I'm bracing myself as having just had the youngest home for ages we will be back to full house and oldest has now graduated and DC2 back from travels.

I say go in strong and early with some basic house rules. Kitchen clean up is my biggest gripe. They eat at random times and just have a different view of "tidy" having lived away.

Also food planning and meal times can be hard when they either eat the food you were going to have for dinner or just have a massive meal-sized snack at 5pm so don't want the meal at 7.

I make them all cook a family meal at least once a week and they all do their own laundry. Once the older ones have jobs (here's hoping) we plan to make them do a food shop each once a month too. Other than that I am pretty lax as life is too short to be constantly nagging and/or angry.

We also have some neurodivergence and other issues to deal with so be realistic with your rules but stick to them.

Eldest will be working most days over the summer, youngest is probably operating on about a 12/13 year old level. Both nice polite young people but easily overwhelmed.

I get it OP. For mine once they could do things like manage a load of laundry and cook a pasta meal they enjoyed the accomplishment. You might be surprised what they can do.

Start to worry when the bf is in tow..

I think contrary to what some people believe there's no basic standard and it has to be what evolves naturally for your family. I'd suggest that your case, a few basics would probably be a simple expectation that everyone tidies up after themselves - so if they make a snac, they must tidy up after. Other chores are expected, but perhaps you have to remain the manager eg asking them to unload dishwasher/hang up washing/ run vacuum round etc.

Re food, bare minimum fo rme would be agreeing who is home, when. If they're not going to be home, to let you know by a certain time. If they haven't already started making family meals (and no judgement here - that isn't happening in our house either), then perhaps it's a start of the process if you think you can make it work.

As is stands Ds23 empties the dishwasher 3 days a week, I do 2 and Dh does 2. These days are on a rota. When Ds20 is back from uni (same as when eldest Ds was back from uni) we revert back to the original dishwasher emptying schedule where they do alternating days each including a Sunday or Monday for a weekend load and I do the Friday. Dh gets off the dishwasher schedule but this man shops, cooks and BBQs. We still have the rota so I just bring it out from the cupboard and stick it back on the fridge.

Bin emptying is done on set days, one child is responsible for the kitchen bin, one the recycling. On bin collection day they put their bin out and bring it back in. Again when home from uni, the person resumes this role.

I think that these the only things that change. They both do their own laundry although if they wear a white t shirt it goes into my laundry as I have a whites basket. They can both cook as both have/are away at uni. They both have clean and tidy bedrooms and they share a bathroom, again this is clean.

As your youngest is working at a lower age level, maybe the eldest can tandem cook with them as a sous chef as we called it in this house. I have a 3 year age gap so mine did this and still do this now. Work out what you think they would be capable of making, get older sibling involved if they get on.

Lunch is the easiest way to start, sandwiches, salads. This is good if you are working from home and you can have your lunch made for you. Clearing up after themselves too which your eldest should be doing as they are away at uni.

Lay out the expectations. Then everyone knows what is expected of them and their role.

I menu plan, some things are the same every week like Friday night curry, all of us can make this, jar of paste, frozen veg, frozen coriander, rice, poppadoms. Again this was something we all sat down to discuss, made a list of all the meals we like to eat under different headings, meat, fish, veggie etc. That way you have a list to pick from and they can pick things they can make.

Now your eldest may be working but so are you, they too must make some dinners, it cannot always be you because you are their Mum.

I have similar aged teens, DD1 just back from first year of university and DD2 just finishing GCSEs.
The expectations have been largely the same but we were all pretty independent.
DDs cook their own food and tidy up after themselves. Our schedules mean that we rarely eat together. They unload dishwasher when dishes are clean.
At my request, when baskets are full, they sort their laundry on my bed. I wash it and they hang it up if I ask.
At my request, they bring all the bins down to the kitchen so I can empty them and put out the big bin.
Food shopping is on the same day every week. There is a list and they add to it. When I come home with the groceries, they bring them in from the car and stow them in the cupboards/fridge.
All of this requires a certain amount of nagging reminding on my part...
DD1 has resumed her job at the local - a great thing!

Are you working? You absolutely should not be doing it all anyway but if so they will need to do more. I would say start a rota for cooking and cleaning, to also help prepare the 17yo for uni.
DS18 cooks his lunches but now he's finished his A levels he's going to do some cooking for the whole family and also some cleaning and his washing to prepare for September.

I'm so grateful for all these kind and understanding replies.

Genuinely wondering now if it's my expectations that are off. Eldest does her own laundry, breakfast and lunch - but will leave lids off jars, milk out of the fridge, cheese packet open, cupboards open. I have been trying to teach her for years to "finish the job", to see the putting away as part of the task, but it just doesn't compute. She is always apologetic so laying down the law feels unkind and unhelpful. Youngest needs a lot of prompting but can make a sandwich - though not tidy up after. It drives me absolutely crazy that they will dump things around the house and I 100% know that they will never ever think to tidy it. However many weeks I leave it, no one will pick up their empty can and put it in the bin, or empty the bin if it's full, or wipe down a kitchen surface, or pick up something of theirs from the bottom of the stairs or even from outside their room. But it's completely consistent with the car crash that is DD's bedroom, and possibly undiagnosed ADHD. The chances of me being suddenly able to teach something I've not managed to solve before are low.

I am going to ask them to cook a family meal each once a week, and make a folder of any recipes they use. I think another thing that would really help is learning to clear back the kitchen at the end of the day - not just stack the DW but also clear and wipe the surfaces. I did try that with my youngest though and he quit halfway through. We've definitely lost our way. But maybe I need to choose either that or more general picking up round the house, not both.

And that's before we get to any actual cleaning.

When DS leaves a mess in the kitchen, I just call him back downstairs to tidy up. If I left it, nothing would happen. So I remind him and expect him to do it then and there. that's wht I would do in your situation.

I’m someone who wishes I’d got DC into better habits years ago so I have also been thinking about this as it gives me rage to do a days work and come home to nothing having been done.
I will be saying dishwasher needs emptying and clearing up after making food as basics. I’m also going to be suggesting a meal is prepared each week by them and I’ll bite my tongue if that is initially hit and miss.
I do call DC back down to clear up if they leave a mess - on repeat as as otherwise they will just continue

On the subject of leaving stuff around the house I’m very much keen on a non messy house so anything they leave around gets put in a box in the hallway and periodically they are told to sort it. It works in part because they’re annoyed that their stuff is never where they left it so became better at taking stuff back to their room

I like this.

When mine were smaller I put all the toys in a box at the bottom of the stairs and told them the box would be emptied into the wheelie bin every Friday if they didn't put stuff away.

It worked for a while (although all my mum friends thought I was mean and awful 😁).

My ds will be home from this week until mid-September.

He already makes his own breakfast & lunches, and cooks for both of us on Friday evenings.

From this weekend, he will be doing his own washing, and we will share the food shopping, week on/week off. He'll take over prepping evening meals on Tuesdays as well.

We'll see how we get on. 😊

I have 3, DS1 age 19 who is back from 1st year of Uni. He has ASD and some hypermobility issues so we never pushed too much with things. Growing up they always had to do things like the dishwasher, lay the table and sort the recycling etc. Since he has been back I have requested that he do his own laundry and he has been cooking more (we get hellofresh so easy for them to pick up and follow the instruction - all the ingredients are premeasured etc so just chopping and cooking.
DD is nearly 18 and has just finished her A-levels, She loves to cook so has always done a lot of cooking and voluntarily does her own washing, changes her bed etc.
DS2 is 15 and does the basic chores but I still do his washing etc.

Over the summer we may ad-hoc ask them to do a couple of extra things - sort something out, hoover and sweep the floors etc.

One just graduated, autism and dyspraxia. One home from uni first year, ADHD and dyslexia. DH strongly suspect dyslexia and ADHD. We all work different days of the week, there is not a day when we are all at home and all out in the evenings a lot too.

Rotas and routines just don't work for us. I kind of keep one going in the background and they muck in. So everyone takes part in laundry (we tend to do it all together so we don't all want to use the machine at the same time).

Whoever is at home that day empties the dishwasher and puts in the mysterious dirty plates that appear overnight. I will ask them to do things like empty the wastepaper bins. They change their beds but sometimes need reminding. Ditto vacuuming their rooms.

DH runs the vac round the rest of the house and mops the kitchen floor.

Whoever didn't cook and/or has had a day off tends to do the evening kitchen clear up. The DCs cook for us maybe once a week, other than that we eat together maybe twice a week, they do some of their own food shopping and will get things for us if they are going to the supermarket. Fridge space is an issue. We have all done breakfast and lunch separately for ourselves for as long as I can remember so that doesn't change.

I agree with this. I don't get cross about having to say it over and over again. It's like teaching them to say please and thank you when they were little - I remember finding it extraordinary how long I had to keep reminding them. Hopefully it will sink in eventually!

My DC are in year 11, year 13 and 2nd year of uni, so I will cut them some slack as they have all been studying hard for their exams and they all have jobs over the summer. I work full time but the summer is fairly quiet for me. I agree with you that I don't want them taking the piss though. I don't mind doing everyone's washing (if they put their clothes in the basket and put away their clean clothes) as it seems more efficient than all of us doing our own. I think cooking one family meal each per week and cleaning up afterwards is the main thing I will aim for.

Yes, absolutely. dd spontaneously "tidied up" after making pancakes the other day. I use "" because her version of tidying up and mine are not the same, but it felt like a step in the right direction!

If she's been at uni for a year, how is she still at the "leave lids off jars, milk out of the fridge, cheese packet open, cupboards open" point. Yes ADHD may make it more difficult but how many gone off pints of milk has she had to throw away, and haven't her housemates nagged her enough that it's sunk in?

If she really can't complete a task then why isn't she giving herself a check list of "make tea, wash teaspoon, put milk back in fridge". Or setting an alarm as she boils the kettle, so in 5 mins time her phone beeps saying "put milk away". If she wanted to there are strategies to address it.

Just do what works for you. I never liked routines, rules, boundaries etc and we just went with the flow, chipped in as and when and never had any issues.

Following with interest!!!

I did have some success with calling them all to dinner 15 minutes early, and having a blitz all together, so one would tidy all the stuff left out from rest of the day, one clear up from making dinner, one get table ready, prep veg etc.

Also make everyone clear together after eating so no-one leaves until surfaces wiped and everything clear. Put music on, make it fun and short until it's a habit.

I have 4 older dc. I definitely had to train on my expectations of what a clean kitchen was. I ended up having them all in the kitchen and explaining which products got used for what. That clean meant counters sprayed and wiped, floor swept, everything put away from the draining board and the dishwasher, table wiped, chairs tucked back under, sink cleaned etc. I then wrote a list of all of the components of the job and stuck it on the fridge.

Their jobs now are cleaning the kitchen at the end of the day, emptying the dishwasher at breakfast time (crucial so that during the day dirty dishes can be put in it and not mank around on the counter). Taking out the rubbish and doing their own laundry. I let them decide how they want to split the jobs up between themselves and they often change it based on who has a busy day/late shift/did leg day at the gym.

If their standards slip, I call them all down and point it out and let them decide how to fix it.

I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it, but they all cook a meal a week and we work out the rota for that on a Sunday night at dinner.

I will have this. DS (16) finished gcses yesterday, and i collected DD (19) from uni yesterday as well. Neither have summer jobs (DD has applied for loads) but they may do occassional baby sitting/pet sitting for neighbours....so there will be a long summer....
They will have a week break as I feel like DS especially has been under pressure with exams.
But my usual summer routine is to whatsapp a list of maybe 4 (light) chores and say they can share however they wish. Eg hang washing out, empty dishwasher, put recycling out

My ongoing requests are tidy, and put away ingredients if you prepare food, put dirty plates on the draining board or in dishwasher and put dirty clothes in the laundry basket...tbh the person who struggles to do any of this is DH (who i very much suspect is ND) and it drives me mad!!

These are fair questions. She stopped buying milk! And I think she probably does try harder/find it easier at uni where they are explicitly taking turns in the kitchen.

It's not like she never puts the milk back in the fridge, but I notice the times she doesn't.

Neurodivergent family here, we have a chart on fridge. Everyone’s required to confirm days in/ out. We meal plan together and agree who cooks each day. If you can’t do your day trade with someone as all have busy social lives. I do make them go back and tidy up after they leave stuff out. It works 75% of the time and improves over time!!

My kids are a little younger at 15 and 17 but I am pushing them a little to get more independent. My eldest is autistic so sometimes its a bit of a battle working it such a way that he is not getting off responsibility but its worded so that he does not claim up. Mine both cook the family meal once a week, they are responsible for keeping their own rooms clean (and for my eldest this is a daily battle as I do not want him going to uni being a slob). Both put loads of washing on when I ask. Once a week they clean the kitchen (which is normally the same day they cook), they are responsible for their own breakfast and lunch now and for washing up ad hoc. The whole house washes up when there is washing up to be done and they also do things like clean the litter tray if its needed and I have not got round to it or hoovering if I do not have time. These things are not on a rota I am trying to get them to anticipate and realise when things in the house need to be done. It does not always work and they can be lazy but its just something I will keep pushing...they will thank me when they are older.