Hate Feeling Stuck Between DH & DD17

[MarmaladeSandwich7]

Guess it’s fairly common for Dads & teenage daughters to go through difficult times (I struggled with DF growing up & looking back it could be truly awful) but I’m beginning to lose hope for DH & DD17 😢 Tonight I stayed out of it but somehow still upset DH, then I had an emotional DD telling me how she was sick of him not listening & she felt like she’d never be enough for him. On the other hand, she has been so nasty to DH in the past that I think he has “compassion fatigue” & has shut down because she’s pushed him away. I know from the strength of their feelings & from their actions that they both care deeply & want a better relationship but just clash so much that they can’t reach each other. It’s awful & so upsetting for me as an empath. Just wondering if anyone has experience of this in their family and/or any advice on how to navigate it? DD says she doesn’t want anything to do with her Dad after she leaves home which might be at the end of the year when she turns 18.

I think the majority of this is on your DH. He’s the adult she is a difficult teenager. You say they clash. He should remain calm and definitely not raise his voice or argue with her. He should go to a family therapist, so he can learn how to parent a teenager.

He doesn’t shout, which is good. And they don’t argue as such. It’s more a case of DH sometimes talking over DD but she’s autistic & can tend to “broadcast” rather than just speak & I think DH feels he can never get to say anything unless he interrupts. DD feeling that she will never be enough is from her low self esteem ( she’s adopted). DH would never deliberately make her feel like that.

Oh my goodness OP your thread has given me a jolt because when you say your DD tends to " broadcast" rather than just speaking I recognise my self. I had a late life diagnosis that I'm autistic and I hadn't recognised this as part of the autism.

This must be so difficult for you stuck in the middle.

I can only think that family therapy might help the relationship between your DH and your DD. If they both can be persuaded that this would be helpful for them both.

I’d suggest to your dh that he takes a step back from the discipline side of parenting while he tries to rebuild his relationship with his dd. So they focus more on the enjoyable side of their relationship

You only have one year to work it out. Yes, book family therapy after HD has separately studied skills for parenting of teenagers on the spectrum.
Research and find local help group for DH.
He has more capacity, at his age, to pull his head in and adopt new skills.

@MarmaladeSandwich7

"DD says she doesn’t want anything to do with her Dad after she leaves home which might be at the end of the year when she turns 18."

Sometimes things actually work out better when they move out and there's more independence and space between them rather than being on top of each other. They may end up settling into a more stable relationship but I also get your worry that it may mean the end of their relationship.

I will also suggest family therapy for both of them and also as you said your DD is autistic it can help your DH understand her better and learn ways to relate with her and also for your DD to find ways to cope and communicate better.

Thank you folks. Going to have a chat with DH later as I had DD pouring her heart out last night. They both get really upset, which proves to me that deep down they want a better relationship more than anything. We have had family therapy but not really from the point of view of DD’s autism. DH can be quite inflexible & actually, some of his other behaviours have made me think he could be on the spectrum too.