Should children be expected to pay towards Father’s Day gifts?

[CaribbeanChaos]

Who pays for Father’s Day gifts?

I pay for gifts for my children to give to their dad, their grandad and their step-dad.

My step-son has just told me his mum has asked him to send her the money for his dad’s Father’s Day gift from his bank account. He’s 13. The older two have also been asked to send their contribution.

Wondering how it’s done in other families.

Mine bought their own gifts from pocket money but we never did big gifts bar of chocolate or a bunch of daffodils on Mother's Day was typical.

Kids use their pocket money, and sort it out themselves with age-appropriate support from me. Chocolate, home made card, job done. (I might get him a new water bottle from them because his is leaking, but that’s mostly because his birthday isn’t until December.)

Well, my children are two and 11 months so obviously I cover the cost now! When they’re older and start having pocket money etc I’ll probably “match” what they spend (I.e. end up massively subsidising whatever they buy!), then teens I’ll probably just leave them to it. I’m pretty sure that’s how I did it when I was a child

I think at 13 and older, if they’ve got a decent amount of money in their bank accounts, that’s reasonable.

However, they should really be involved in the choosing and buying, not just being told to send money.

At 13, I’d be expecting him to use pocket money to buy a gift costing £10 or contribute that much to a larger gift. I’d expect parents to pay until they’re around 9 or 10, which is when I’d start giving “proper” pocket money (rather than just pocket change for sweets).

I do find this bizarre, though I accept that expectations have vastly increased over the years. Fathers Day and Mothers Day is about saying thank you, I love you and you’re special to me. A card, handmade or bought and a small gift, possibly handmade are all fine. When made or chosen by the child that’s precious. When incorporated into a dance of etiquette, expectations and reciprocity it’s meaningless.

Step away from the commercialisation and recognise it for what it is.

When my Dcs were young, either I or myself and the kids would go shopping for small thoughtful items that didn't cost a lot, and was in line with what a child would choose to give, not an adult.
Any gifts were their choice, and was always received with enthusiasm and appreciation by DF.

When the dcs got a little older, early teens, they liked to make things and they were quite creative all of them even if it was a handmade card, lots of effort was put in, and appreciated.

Making a big deal out of Mother and Father's Day was never something we subscribed to. It was all about thoughtful little gifts (baked goods, a new FDay mug, a nice card etc ) and not about how much monetary value could be attached to the gift.

At 13 they can use their own money but obviously what they buy is relative to their pocket money so some chocolate or equivalent.
His mum is teaching him that money and gifts have value. That doing something nice for others requires a sacrifice of money or time. Good on her.

At 13 I wouldn’t be buying on their behalf u less asked to - and in that case asking for the money is fine

decidibg that you are buying and they must pay is off to me

I don’t see the problem with that

If he's got enough money to contribute, he's got enough to buy something himself. I'd be worried this sets a precedent for presents being something organised by the women in the family.
My ds buy their dad something with their own money. Usually a bar of chocolate or more recently some beer.

Father's Day and Mother's Day have never been about buying anything for me. Cards made at school. Breakfast in bed. Nobody here is paying for anything.

If his parents give him pocket money then he should use that to get a token gift at 13. It depends on age and finances though

At that sort of age I'd say it could go either way. Small children no, by 17 or so yes. I don't think it much matters the exact age they take it on themselves.

I would try to get them to help choose it before they're expected to pay for it though. It's the thought that counts and all that. Bit unusual for the mum to be organising it all and demanding payment after the fact.

But it is not grandfather’s day.

Their granddad does far more for them than their bio dad does. He deserves recognition for stepping up.

Yes, if they get pocket money, then surely that is what it is for.
Obviously, the 'expectation' of what they get will be in line with knowing they are using their own money (as a pp said, a bar of choc / bunch of daffs / something from poundland when they first start getting pocket money - leading to some increased thought as they move into their teens).

Surely the point of pocket money is to teach dc to budget, and part of our parenting is to teach children that it is nice to give as well as receive. The dc aren't doing any giving if the other parent is buying presents to pretend they are coming from the dc.

Of course, the ins and outs of him being expected to get 3 presents is going to be very situationally dependent, but that is the only part of it that seems like it might be unreasonable to me.

Once you get pocket money or are old enough to work/get money for jobs round the house, you pay yourself for father/mother's day. Younger than that, mum or dad get involved. Even when you have pocket money, until you're old enough to go to the shop yourself, mum or dad should help, so I don't think it's fair to blame younger kids if they don't organise it all themselves-and depends also on individual needs. Some of us might safely make father's day breakfast on our own much younger than others!